'AITA for not wanting my husband’s family to stay with us for the holidays?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting my husband’s family to stay with us for the holidays?"
We have a 1 bedroom apartment with a 7 month old. Space is already so limited. My husband’s sister and her family are flying across the country to spend Christmas with us for 11 days.
They insisted they stay with us instead of getting a hotel. Of course my husband agrees to this without talking to me. When he does ask me about it, I explain how it’s going to be crowded.
The noise has to be kept to a minimum because of the baby. My son already has trouble sleeping so who knows how it’ll be by next month. Husband is working some days while they’re here so he insists they use my car to go and do stuff while I’m home with the kid.
The problem I have the most is when I speak up, he immediately says I’m against his family, even though he’s always talking crap against mine. My family hasn’t been over to see my son yet because they know it’s going to take hotel and car rental fees.
They don’t insist on uprooting my entire routine for 11 days. My mom can get me discounts because she works at a hotel. But that’s still not good enough for them.
I just think it’s rude to insist on sleeping on an air mattress that will take up half our living room. My son will not have a safe place to play. I’ll have to lock myself away to pump every 3-4 hours. Our routines will be shattered. I have a feeling their kid will be loud and wake the baby.
Husband said “don’t get mad if sisters kid breaks things.” He’s 5… I’m going to be mad. I’m made to feel like the AH because I have an opinion. The more I think about it, the angrier I get AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Good grief! I would be leaving to visit my own family with the baby for 11 days. He can deal with his sister. Good luck. Update Me.
Cannot possibly give this enough votes! Guests are on the list of two to approve and one to veto. And 11 days in a one bedroom?!? Hard pass. Take the car, the kid, your valuables, and leave for 15 days.
NTA. But he decides about guests without talking to you first. He offered free use of your things without your permission. He talks crap about your family. He's already making excuses about his nephew's bad behaviour. I think you should reconsider the whole marriage at this point.
Over three weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
Where to even begin unwrapping this…
I had brought up the issue with his family staying a couple times after my first post. I had to google “how to talk to a narcissist” before the approach.
I said how it would affect the baby and I, and how it would affect his family with me having to get up in the middle of the night, and how my son needs space for his playpen (baby proofing a 1 bedroom has proven more difficult than I thought). He seemed understanding, however, wasn’t budging on wanting them to stay. I just got the old “we’ll keep analyzing it.”
Since I can cancel my hotel reservations a day before check in, I went ahead and booked 10 nights just to lock in cheap rates. I felt more secure having a backup in case "it" hit the fan at my house.
On our way to thanksgiving: my son keeps getting blasted by sunlight while driving. I have tried the usual sun shades on the windows. Few days ago I got these curtains for the side windows.
They hang on with magnets so I grabbed them from my car and hung them in my husband’s car, as he was the one driving us 3 hours away to his family gathering. He kept saying the blinds were blocking his blind spots so I tied them open so he could see but my son could also keep some shade.
After it still being a problem, my husband asked for them to be removed and proceeded to tell me how I need to “ask him before I just go and do stuff.” That’s when I lost my cool.
I brought up the visit and how he never discussed it with me prior to telling his sister they could stay. Of course, this causes him to blow up- saying he doesn’t need my permission as it is “his house.” Over and over, I’m told to “shut up and man up”, “if this was your family…”, “I don’t want to be with a witch wife.”
I remain calm and reiterate that it’s my home too and it’s about respect that he talks to me first. It’s not about control, it’s about respect— Respect for my son and our routines, comfort, and safety. He then goes on to say how i don’t respect him and I just “turned this around and made it about you” “holidays are classically stressful, look at home alone where they have that huge house and it’s chaos.”
Okay but this isn’t a movie.. it’s real life. If we had a guest room, I would still be annoyed, but I would be more comfortable “manning up” and letting them stay as they wouldn’t obscure my routines.
So I ruined Thanksgiving.
Husband stayed at work until he had to come home just to sleep. Didn’t see his son for almost 3 days. I had to text him first: “come and have an adult conversation with me. You haven’t seen your son in 3 days” to which I get “but I’m working.”
NO DUH I meant after.. and “no one wants me around anyway. I’m only good for food and money.” Good lord… I didn’t respond to this. Needless to say he came home and spent time with his son. We had an adult conversation.
His family staying is not changing. He said he already told them yes and doesn’t want to now tell them to get a hotel. “A hotel is way too expensive, even at this discount you’re talking about. It’s not gonna be $50…” lol. It actually was.
I booked 10 nights for $518 TOTAL. I told him this and he just rolls his eyes. His sister had texted me personally and asked if they could use my car to do one thing when my husband is working.
She said they would rent a car if not. Just the fact that she asked with respect made me say yes to using it. We agreed that if I needed it, they would bring it back. My son and I will be okay.
My thoughts? Continue my routines. Do what I need to do. If they can’t handle it, they are free to get a hotel. I will not uproot my life for 11 days. It’s not about me, it’s about my son. He will be taken care of regardless of guests.
My question is should I keep the hotel? I want to have it in case my son and I have to sleep there (if people keep waking my son up, I’m gonna have a huge problem- especially if we’re trapped) but I also don’t want to waste the money and never use it. I can’t decide.
For everyone saying I should get a divorce over this— that’s valid. I want to give him one more chance to start discussing with me. If he can’t respect that, then yeah. It’s done. I’m tired of him stepping outside and having these conversations without my input. Wish me luck!
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Honey. You need to take the baby and the car and go stay at the hotel for the duration of the stay. Let him host his family. Stay well away from that chaos. Don't be home.
Good lord. Get a divorce already. He speaks to you like you’re trash. He disrespects you. And he isn’t considerate of you nor his child. What more evidence do you need that he’s not a good guy? And why would you want your child growing up thinking this is normal behavior? Watching someone who is a role model blatantly disrespect his wife?
Your husband gives me the major ick. Why doesn’t this behavior give you the ick too? I don’t normally advocate for immediate divorce as life and relationships are complicated. But your post screams verbally & emotionally abused. Run.
Don't prepare for guests. Don't buy groceries. Don't cook. Take your son and go stay at the hotel or with friends or family. Let your husband host his family without you.