Bride bans dramatic MIL from wedding redo after secret DNA test on baby. AITA? UPDATED
"AITAH for not wanting my husband's mom at our wedding?"
For context: My husband and I got married in a court house 2 years ago.I told my husband to tell his family but he didn't want to since his family wasn't my biggest fan. His family can be extremely judgemental and have said they "didn't like me or my character" because I grew up in a place completely opposite of where they're from.
Every time I had met with his family some type of drama would unfold. For example , his mom accused me of "touching" his brother's leg inappropriately at his grandfather's funeral. I slapped his knee because he told me a joke I thought was funny.
I chalked it up to the fact she just lost her dad, she didn't like me, so she needed someone to take some type of anger out on. I put up with alot more than that for my husband since i never wanted to be the type of person to ask him to chose.
5 months ago I had our second child. When I had found out I was pregnant my husband and I were going through a rough patch, we almost divorced because of a lot of things his mother being one of them. We decided to really work on our marriage and we've been amazing ever since.
The best we've ever been. During my pregnancy his mother and I got really close. I'd like to say I'm a really forgiving person and try to see the best in everyone , also it was making my husband happy. She even came down to stay with us when I had the baby.
Fast forward a month later she called my husband and said her and his dad would love to come and visit since his dad had yet to meet the baby. I thought the visit went well but while my husband had went outside to get my toddlers car seat from their rental car my FIL told my husband he needs to swab his mouth to make sure the baby was his.
My husband of course got angry and asked my FIL if that was the reason they came to visit. My MIL ran outside because she heard them fighting and told my husband it was nothing like that, that everyone in the family was swabbing their mouths because they were doing a 23andMe. She said that my SIL and BIL had done it so they wanted him to do it to. He declined doing one and we left it at that.
A month after the visit, my MIL called my husband and said she needed to speak with him privately. He went outside for an hour to speak with his mother and he came back inside visibly upset. He pulled me to my room privately and informed me that my MIL and FIL had swabbed both my newborn's mouth and my toddlers mouth when they had visited.
They said that my toddler came back 99.99% related to them but my newborn only came back 11% related to them. So they felt the need to tell my husband so he could get my newborn DNA tested. I was confused and angry. I had also just found out my brother had a brain tumor as well so there had already been alot going on for me emotionally.
When my husband and I separated I had not slept with anyone else since our relationship was so rocky. I didn't want to do anything more to jeopardize losing him so I wasn't understanding why she felt the need to take a DNA test into her own hands especially since it wasn't a concern of my husband's.
Ever since my husband was told of the DNA test him and his mother would not stop fighting for a number of reasons. I no longer trusted her with my children and I no longer wanted her around and she couldn't understand that.
We decided to get a DNA test on our newborn so we can shove the results in her face and we could move on with our lives. Of course the test came back 99.999999999% my husbands and she thought we could just pretend it didn't happen but the damage was done .
That brings us to today. We set boundaries with MIL and FIL. They can no longer video chat the children everyday like before, our daughter is not allowed to go over MILs alone, and we no longer update them about things going on in our lives. We've kept them at a distance and it's working for us.
Recently my husband and I started marriage classes so we could redo our wedding with our families included. My family knows the whole situation with MIL and I'm also not her biggest fan so I told my husband I do not feel comfortable inviting them to our wedding.
My husband was obviously upset but understood. We have sent out our save the dates to everyone in his family but MIL and FIL. There has been nothing but drama since.
I'm putting my foot down on the situation and still strong on the decision that I do not want them to come but my husband is stressed because they're involving everyone in his family in our drama.
Should I just give in for his sake and invite them ? Should I stand my ground and still say no? AITA if I don't invite them?
Here's what the top commenters had to say about this one:
Bella-1999 said:
Let‘s see: They obtained your children’s genetic information without your consent, and tried to sow doubt in your husband’s mind. (Not to mention they handed their dna over to Big Data!)
You don’t mention any sincere apologies. At the very least you deserve a symphony of Grovel in B major.
They’re now whipping up drama with the rest of the family. Does the rest of the family know about the creepy dna testing? The world is full of nice people, don’t waste your time on these dirtbags.
SnooWords4839 said:
Hubby needs some therapy to break free from his parents. They should never get to see you or your kids again. Husband needs to tell them that they are horrible people and he doesn't want them in his life.
Cursd818 said:
NTA. It is incredibly alarming that your husband wants his parents to be anywhere near his children. I know you're already married, but I don't advise having another ceremony while he is still in contact with them. They are constantly trying to destroy your marriage, and are prepared to use your children to do it. They are dangerous.
And frankly, for as long as your husband let's them keep a foot in the door, he is also dangerous. They will just manipulate him again at some point, and who knows what they'll do to your children next time? This time, it was just a mouth swab. What if they convince him to leave you and take the kids? What then?
I understand that cutting off abusive parents is hard, but once you are a parent yourself, there's no excuse. They should never be around you, your children, or your home. Your husband has allowed them to behave like this for years. They're not going to change. It's time for them to be entirely cut off.
Square_Owl5883 said:
NTA that MIL is crazy keep her away. I wouldn’t even allow her to be involved in my life or my kids period after that. She crossed a huge boundary, was sneaky about it too!
HotCompetition999 said:
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a spine here. He didn't even have the balls to tell his family you were married, let alone stop your mother in law from DNA testing your baby. He has partially allowed this behavior from the beginning.
Electronic-Cat-4478 said:
Your MIL and FIL sneakily went behind both you and your husband's back to check your children's DNA. They then LIED to your husband, essentially telling him that you cheated on him and his newborn child wasn't his. When it was proved that they lied- they want to pretend that it never happened. No, actually HELL NO!
MIL and FIL deliberately, and cruelly tried to destroy your marriage, so they do NOT get to be invited to a celebration of that marriage. If they (and the rest of their family) can't understand that, then you need to tell the rest of the family it is easy. If they want to celebrate your marriage with you, then they can't support the people who lied and tried to destroy that marriage. Period.
UPDATE:
I just want to clarify a few things. My husband told his mom we got married an hour after we said I do. He was hesitant to tell his MIL because 1.she wasn't my biggest fan and 2.
She wants all her children to get married in a church. So the first words out of her mouth were "you guys aren't actually married" and it is now "that is not your wife" whenever they're arguing because she's drunk.
Also, my husband is the one who wants this wedding. I was reluctant and I personally thought a party was enough but he does want us to get married married in a church so after I thought about it and I figured things out with myself religiously, I agreed.
And to answer the question most asked. She has not apologized . She has called me to "talk" out the situation and I explained to her I understood her doubt. I also explained to her that it made no sense to me why she couldn't just ask me for the test since her and I were in such a good spot. I would have done in willingly.
Her "apology" went along the lines of "I'm not going to apologize because I believe what I did was right to protect mine" and when I informed her we were taking some space her response was "I don't understand because I've disrespected you so much in the past why is now different?"
So for those saying they're all for second chances. I've given her a million. I've spoke with my husband about the situation and he said that he is fine with either. He is fine with them not being there and he is fine with them being there under certain conditions.