'AITA for not wanting my parents to be anything more than guests in my wedding?'
"AITA for not wanting my parents to be anything more than guests in my wedding?"
I(27f) am the only child of an only child (my mom) and the son of a single woman (my dad). We are firmly middle class. When I was 8 my aunt, her husband and my nana were in fatal car accident. As a result my cousins (6m), a triplet were taken in by my parents.
Up untill then my mom was a teacher, but with the kids and all they needed (intensive therapy and constant reassurance) she quit her job to be a SHM. My dad got a small inheritence from my nana that he used to pay the house off, as for my aunt's life insurance and her husband's, they were split into 3 and put in college funds for my cousins.
From ages 8 to 13, my parents were too focused on my cousins that they forgot they had a daughter, and the money was so tight that I had to quit all of my hobbies because my cousins' hobbies were expensive and they needed to make sure that they maintained the same standard of living for them.
At 13 my maternal grandparents sat me down, they said that my parents drained my college fund and that they were threatened by my parents going NC to not tell me, but that I was old enough to keep the secret. They also said that they will be giving me what they could when I go to college. I guess that was it for me, I stopped seeing my parents as anything more than an egg and sperm doner.
Fast forward to when my cousins started going to college, and I guess my parents remembered that they had a kid but I wasn't interested in having a relationship with them beyond an occasional phone call. Now I am about to get married, I asked my grandpa to walk me down the aisle and my grandma to take on the traditional mother of the bride role for me.
Then because I am direct like that, I handed my parents their invites in person and told them that they are welcome only as guests or not at all. They got angry and when they asked why I just laid it out on them. Now they are trying to apologize but it is too little too late for me.
My cousins contacted me trying to make me take it back, offered me what was left in their college funds since they didn't know that I didn't have one to make it fair. I refused of course, it's more the emotional neglect that hurts, not the money.
But a friend said that I was too harsh, that I should forgive and forget. So AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
ParsimoniousSalad said:
NTA. Your parents are lucky you invited them. I hope you can have separate relationships with your cousins, though.
OP responded:
We do have a relationship, I never held it against them and they are genuinely nice men
Maleficent_Ad_3958 said:
You went from being the only child to being part of a 4 kid family and the neglected eldest and (I hate to say this) but girls usually get told to stuff it when boys are involved. Since it sounds like you didn't get therapy then, I hope you got some now.
OP responded:
I am going to therapy, and honestly I let go of a lot of anger and self hatred I had. I just don't want to have a relationship with my parents
Thia-M3762 said:
Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. This should never have happened to you. But I'm so glad you have your grandparents. NTA and I'm happy your are honoring them on your day. Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I hope it's a beautiful day. I do have to add...your cousins didn't know, so maybe at some point, you won't be mad at them (if even you are).
OP responded:
Thank you for the congratulations, and I don't hold it against my cousins, they were actually going to be part of the wedding but after some discussions they preferred not to to smooth things with the parents
Liviford said:
NTA. It was really nice of your cousins to offer to make things fair, but it's not on them. They couldn't control what happened to them or how your parents treated them, that was your parents job.
It's understandable that they prioritised your cousins at first to make sure they were all settled in and recovering, but lying to you about your college fund and using it behind your back was cr*ppy tbh. Ultimately they'll have to live with it, as it's your wedding and your choice!!
OP responded:
Honestly I don't even care about the college fund, it was the lack of care, making me give up my bedroom, refusing me therapy because "I didn't need it, not like your cousins"....
Maleficent_Ad_3958 said:
NTA. I don't know why your parents are complaining. They chose the cousins so the cousins can have them do their weddings. Your maternal grandparents are the MVPs in this.
It's one thing to make sure you're fair to adopted kids but they went too damn far in the other direction by throwing you under the bus. Did either or both parents get off being told how "saintly" they were for doing this for your orphaned cousins? Because even though it might be a bit early for social media kudos & likes back then, some of the same dynamics might apply.
OP responded:
Actually it was because of my father's background, for a few years he and my aunt were foster kids before nana adopted them, and he didn't want my cousins to feel like he and his sister did. I just seem to have been forgotten in the process
lolplsimdesperate said:
I’m so sick of seeing these situations that are so clearly and obviously messed up towards OP, only to find a “my friend thinks ITA” sentence at the bottom. WHO are y’all friends with?! SO NTA!
OP responded:
I think that people who come either from healthy families and can't imagine the depth of hurt neglect leaves you with, or are "brainwashed" (for lack of a better word) into believing that family comes first, even over your personal feelings and mental health are the ones usually saying so. This friend is one that had lived through a somewhat similar experience that's why I wanted to double check.
Ahstia said:
Congrats on getting married! NTA It's nice that your cousins offered monetary support, but this conflict isn't about them or the money. It's that your parents broke your trust, and the conflict is between you and your parents.
kittynoodlesoap said:
NTA. Honestly, your parents are lucky you even still talk to them. Your cousins sound really sweet.
And anathema_deviced said:
NTA. Your friend needs to stay in their lane. Your grandparents played the role your parents should have, so of course you want them to be part of the wedding.
Thoughts??