'AITA for not wanting to pay for FIL's and MIL's retirement home?'

"AITA for not wanting to pay for FIL's and MIL's retirement home?"

Husband (45M) and I (45F) moved far from our families. We have two kids on the spectrum and have created a good life for ourselves. My family has always been helping financially, while his never gave him/us a dime. MIL and FIL have built two houses, one for them and the other for their younger son (who stayed to live close to them).

They also bought a car for him and raised/supported his kids. I, on the other hand, did everything myself: raised the kids, homeschooled them, managed all the doctors, maintained the house...so that husband can build a career. With my family's money and his skills, he built a good business.

And now, 15 years after we left, MIL and FIL (both 65) say that they want to go to a retirement home. Besides being too young for this, they are also both very healthy and active. They just feel like they'd enjoy being waited on and have somebody else clean/cook/care for them. And they are expecting US to pay for this!

They could easily sell their house to pay for this, but they want to leave it to their younger son since he's kind of a deadbeat. Hubby wants to commit to this (he's sensitive to his mother's wishes), but I am against it.

The way I see it: they already gave the brother one house and nothing to us, they can afford to pay it from their house's proceedings but don't want to, and they don't even need to be in a retirement home. The fact is, the deadbeat brother will quickly sell their house once they enter that retirement home, so they'd not be able to go back to their house.

Hence, they'll be our obligation for the next 20 years down the road. I am not ready to commit to this since our kids might need a lifetime of (money) support due to being on the spectrum, while bother's kids are fine. Also, I don't think this is fair to my parents who gave us over half a mil over the last 15 years without expecting anything in return. AITA for not wanting to pay for their retirement home?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Expensive-Milk1697 wrote:

Tell your husband before he pays for his parents retirement home he can pay your parents back the over half a mil he had off of them. Once that is paid then he can pay for his parent’s retirement home alongside his divorce.

StandardRaspberry509 wrote:

OP please listen to the above comment! Do not entertain this for even a moment! If he wants to do this then let him know that you will be filing for divorce and asking for repayment of the $500,000 your parents invested in his business as part of the divorce settlement, as well as child support and alimony. You and the kids should be his priority not his parents!! They can afford their own retirement!

Spiritual_Truth_5152 wrote:

NTA and this is a hill to die on. You have a husband problem, not an in-law problem. Somewhere deep inside, your husband wants the love and attention his brother receives and your husband may think that this is how he gets it. You and your husband need to be on the same page and he needs to deal with his parents. It is not fair to make you the bad guy in this situation.

piquepole wrote:

Tell your husband that if he’s going to do this, he needs to pay your parents back the money they’ve given you, plus an extra 50% as interest/a bonus. Then, he has to set up a separate account in your name over which you have 100% control and put money into it equivalent to double whatever he has to pay his parents for their lifestyle. See what he says then.

your-thighness99 wrote:

NTA. And it’s not even close. Your husband truly needs therapy. Seems like he has a lifetime of seeking his parents’ approval (especially his mother’s) and not being the golden child. And it’s time to recognize that and work through it. I can’t even think of a reasonable compromise in a situation like this. Either they pay for it themselves or they stay home and wait on their beloved son hand and foot.

Cosmohumanist wrote:

You seem like a hard working, very reasonable person. This is an absurd situation and your Husband needs to stand up to them. The only way this would work is if both of you were on board and could afford it. Since that’s not the case then the path is clear. His parents need to figure this out without burdening your family. NTA.

EfficientSociety73 wrote:

NTA. I’d be noping right out of that situation. Your in-laws can take care of themselves just as they have expected you and your husband to do while they coddles your brother-in-law. Period. Or, they can sell their house. You said BIL already has a house.

Why does he need his parent’s house too? Stand strong on this one because your husband might cave and it doesn’t sound like his parents are worth your time or money.

poetryinsimplethings wrote:

If I were in your place, I’d tell him that he has to pay your parents back every single penny before he gives his parents a penny. From how I see it, if he is so financially stable to be paying for his parents, who is paying for their younger son, he would be financially stable to be paying back everything he took from your parents. And I have honestly been in your place multiple times.

My parents help us every now and then, while his parents never helped us financially even during our worst. So every time my husband starts talking about how he wants to give money to his parents for one thing or the other, I make it a point of reminding him that if he has so much money to help his parents, we should pay back my parents too.