'AITA for not wanting the puppy my BF bought for my birthday present?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting the puppy my BF bought for my birthday present?"
For context: I (27F) have always had pets dogs, cats, even birds that fell from their nests I also rescued and re-home tons of animals But I’ve never kept a male pet. My mom didn’t like them because of the whole “peeing everywhere” thing, and I guess I just got used to only having girl pets.
Plus, I love using my dogs like pillows, and I’ll admit the doggy boy parts that are always a little too present makes me uncomfortable. Anyway, I’ve had my dog let's call her luna since I was 17. She’s my baby and she 100% rules my life.
She’s not really friendly with kids, other dogs, or most men, but she at least kinda likes my boyfriend (31M) of two years. So, my birthday was a couple weeks ago. My boyfriend told me he had a “surprise” but it wasn’t ready yet.
Last Friday, I came home from work and found him in my apartment with a two month old-ish German Shepherd male puppy that he Bought, complete with a balloon tied to its collar that said “Happy Birthday.” He smiled and said, “Do you like him? He’s our new son.”
I was shock the only words that came out were: Where’s luna? He had locked MY dog in the bathroom because she growled at the puppy. I was furious. We argued for about two hours.
I told him to take the puppy back with him and not to come back he yell some more and called me a “misandrist” before leaving because apparently not wanting male pets = hating men. He also said I was “weird” for being uncomfortable around dog peepees.
When I told my friends and family, everyone sided with me however my boyfriend keeps sending me videos of the puppy, saying he doesn’t know what to do with it since his apartment doesn’t allow pets especially one that would grow so much and begging me to take it “just until he finds accommodations.”
He says I owe him because he spent so much money on the puppy and was planning the puppy to live with me anyway. But I don’t want the puppy, my current dog definitely wouldn’t accept him.
And in the videos I can already see how destructive he's becoming in the other hand the poor puppy is innocent in all this should I just suck it up and keep him with me until my boyfriend (we technically didn't broke up yet) finds somewhere else to take him?
Also the puppy represent everything I don't want in a pet, I feel like he just bought himself a dog but don't really want to take care of it so he acted like the puppy was my birthday present. So, AITA for refusing to accept the puppy? Should I just take him in for a while?
Edit to clarify some things:
Some people seem to think I'm obsessed with dogs genitalia and lol I'm not. The issues with the puppy ranking are:
I don't want another dog because I have a dog. I don't want to raise a puppy ever again. I don't want to own a dog that was bought. I don't like large breeds. I don't want a male dog because I prefer female dogs.
The ONLY reason I included that I don't like boy dog business is because I don't want to have that in my house, I don't loose sleep over it but I prefer the smooth belly female dogs have.
What I told my bf was something along the lines of "you disregard everything I believe in a pet to the extent that you even brought a male dog when I told you it wasn't my intention to even own one?" Then he called me weird and misandrist that's the only reason I included that part in my post but in my attempt to keep everything short I didn't include all that.
And one but not the only reason I don't particularly like male dogs it's because my uncle had one male rottweiler, very aggressive and one time at my grandma's house he jump me (I was like 5/6) and tried to hump my face with his red rocket all out and yes it freak me out.
My grandma had to get rid of the dog after that (she had a large property in another city there is where they took him) because nobody wanted their kids near the dog after that so there it is the backstory.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
You should never buy anyone an animal as a surprise. This is one reason why! NTA.
The only persons you should surprise with a pet is your child, because lets face it. You will end up doing all the care. NTA.
That was not a birthday present for you. That was a gift for himself. He gets YOU an expensive, high energy, need to train and socialize PUPPY and thinks he should get to peace out because “it can’t live with me!” So he gets all the fun playing with the puppy he wants and sticks you with all of the bills, the care, your elderly dog?
I couldn’t care less about your opinions on animal genitalia, but you spend more time talking about THAT than the fact that he locked your elderly dog away, in HER OWN HOME, without you there, and called it a gift. How much do you want a boyfriend that you think ANY of this is acceptable?
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
Didn’t want to update before talking to both my therapist and psychiatrist, so here we go. First of all puppy is fine. The day after my original post, my neighbor texted me around 2 PM because she heard loud noises from my apartment.
She has a spare key she and Luna are besties and often go on walks when she works from home), so she offered to check. Turns out puppy was inside and Luna was just sitting on the couch, glaring at the puppy like she was personally offended.
I told my boss I had a family emergency and rushed home. My neighbor had been entertaining the puppy, but my apartment was trashed. She agreed to take the puppy for a few hours while I cleaned.
I realized a lot of the mess didn't look like it was the puppy some of the papers seemed sheared and not a single teeth mark. I went to building management, and they showed me camera footage: my ex-boyfriend walking in with the puppy, staying 20 minutes, and leaving. I had them remove him from the visitor list and they even offer to change my locks.
I panicked a little and called my mom, who told me to either call my godfather or find a local shelter. My godfather told he'd call his friends (many of whom have large-breed experience). Meanwhile, my neighbor brought the puppy back, tired from the park.
God I’ll admit, he was adorable. A few hours later, my godfather called to say one of his friends, a German shepherd lover with two already, wanted to adopt him. Puppy's name is kai now and apparently my godfather's friend has ton of experience training big breeds.
As for my ex, I decided to called his mom because I still had him block. If you guessed: He was jealous of Luna. He wanted to move in with me. He thought Luna “wasn’t manly enough” and that a German shepherd would make me “see reason.” you'll be correct. His plan was basically: I’d find two dogs too much work, and I’d “get over my obsession with Luna” by leaving her with my mom.
Yes, really. His own mom told him she was disappointed and that she didn’t raise him to be sneaky and selfish. I told him we were done and that Kai had already been rehomed to a loving family.
He tried to get mad about me rehoming “his dog,” but his reminded him that puppy was a gift and I could do whatever with him. I hugged her goodbye and haven’t spoken to him since.
I also talked this through with both my therapist and psychiatrist. I talked to them about the whole situation and both agreed (separately) that having preference is not wrong and as long as I’m not harming animals because of their sex there's nothing wrong with not wanting them. Right now, I’m at my mom’s house with Luna, using some PTO to rest and recover.
This whole thing was exhausting, but at least it ended with Kai in a good home and one less toxic boyfriend in my life lol. This is most likely my last post but thank y'all for giving me good advice and helped me see that the situation was not okay.
Edit to clarify: It seems like in my wish to make the post shorter I deleted a part that was important to understand. I called my ex's mom and I told her a summary of what happened, she told me she was going to call him and tell him to come see her the next day and then she'll let me know when he was with her so we could talk. After our discussion I hugged her goodbye and left.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
This is a really good update. Congratulations on leaving that AH. You handled this really well.
In my opinion you already know the answer and you did the right thing. A man who sneaks into your apartment, locks your dog in the bathroom, and forces a puppy on you that you never wanted is not giving you a gift, he’s showing you who he is. That is controlling and manipulative behavior.
I’ve had pets my whole life and I understand preferences. You’re not wrong for wanting female dogs, for not wanting large breeds, or for refusing to raise another puppy. That’s not misandry, that’s boundaries. Psychologically this is called disrespecting autonomy. He ignored your values, tried to override your choices, and then gaslit you when you didn’t play along.
The fact that he admitted he wanted to replace Luna with “a manly dog” tells you everything. He wasn’t thinking about you or the animals, he was thinking about himself. Thank God you rehomed Kai quickly and safely. That’s responsible.
If it were me, I wouldn’t waste another second questioning whether you were the AH. You were protecting yourself and your dog. Between now and dead you have to ask if you want a partner who undermines you at every turn or one who respects the life you’ve built.
You should see about having your apartment door re-keyed...even if it costs you a couple hundred bucks. Just in case he can find his way in the building past security.
cicada_supremacy (OP)
They offered to change the locks for me on Wednesday and we have security so it's all figured out on that part, that's also why I decided to stay with my parents just in case.
The weird hang ups some guys will have. "If you have a male puppy, you'll get your weird obsession over the dog you've raised and loved for years. Yay!!" Good update, keep up the good work!