'AITA for not wanting a relationship with my stepmom and step sister after my dad passed?' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA for not wanting a relationship with my stepmom and step sister after my dad passed?"
My parents got a divorce when I was 6 and I haven't seen my mom since cause she was ab#$ive, my dad remarried when I was 8. My step mom wasn't abu#$ve but we never clicked, she tried to be my "new mom" right off the bat and I found it weird and she didn't like how I wasn't open to the idea right away. She also had a daughter who's 1 year younger than me, we didn't hit it off either.
Don't get me wrong she's a totally fine person but as kids she was the typical brat so I guess it made it hard for us to really bond as kids I guess. Once I hit my teens I had a rough patch of being rebellious and overall not a good person, my dad gave me space like I needed but my step mom didn't see it that way and we fought a lot cause of it.
My step sister was alright during teen years she got the more quiet and keep to yourself so we didn't have really any conflict. But me and my step mom didn't hit it off and once I turned 18 I moved out first chance I got. I am now 24 and my dad sadly passed away with cancer, tho I didn't get along with my step mom I never stopped loving my dad and we texted daily when I moved out.
It was rough on me and I do appreciate my step mom helping me with the funeral but that was a couple months ago and I haven't really talked to her since. My step sister has invited me over for Christmas, and honestly I don't know if I want to go.
Not cause I don't like them but because its the same house that we grew up in and it will remind me too much of my dad and I'm still grieving. I know my step sister and step mom are too but f#$% it sucks cause IDK I just want to be left alone for some time to process cause it was only 3 months ago. AITA if I don't show up to Christmas day at my step mom's place?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
LargeRodent wrote:
NAH. It was nice of them to include you but you by all means don’t have to accept their offer. I’m sorry for your loss. If you need an excuse and want to potentially keep the door open in case you change your mind in the future, you can say you’re still grieving and would rather be alone.
OP responded:
I'll say that, IDK what I want yet, I could one day feel like I miss and want them but not right now. My dad's sister (my aunt) has been a great mother figure to me once my bio mom left me and my dad so I call her my def immediate family
Kompottkoff wrote:
You are NTA if you choose to cut them out. But people change and somewhere along the road you will probably regret such a hard decision. Why even cutting them out? They are a living bridge to your late dad - he loved them and he not only lives in your heart, but theirs also.
OP responded:
I probably asked the wrong question, I won't cut them out I was just wondering if id be TA for not showing up. I won't lie I'm still grieving and kinda want to spend it with my aunt (my dad's sister) cause she's been a mother figure ever since my actual "mom" left me.
[deleted] wrote:
What do you have to lose? My opinion is just go for it, by reaching out to you it probably means she likes you at least a little bit and obviously cares for your well being if she wants to put food in your belly. [...]
OP responded:
I like your style lol, ill try and go and see what happens. There is no ill will for either and I do respect my step sister a bit cause she had to deal with me being a rebellious snot my teen years and she could have def hated me for that and she didn't.
And sorry about your dad too, I talked to him every day, even if it was like a 5 second good mornings. He tried his damnedest to give me the best cause my "mom" was ab#$ive as hell and just abandoned me
Doggywoowoo wrote:
NAH. It’s understandable that you don’t want to spend the rest of your life trying to force a relationship with people you don’t really have a deep connection with.
But I do think it’s lovely that they helped you with the funeral arrangements and invited you for Christmas, even though they weren’t obligated to, so clearly they’re not bad people. Perhaps just keep them on your Christmas/birthday card list and check in every now and then?
OP responded:
I like that idea, there is no ill will for either of them but I feel no love for them. Though I do respect my step sister for what I put her through with the constant fighting and still being at the very least cordial.
dooleedooleedoo wrote:
NTA since you have to grieve your own way, but keep in mind that they are grieving too and might want you there to patch things up and have a fresh start.
OP responded:
I know, I want to be there. I know I wasn't an easy teen and I'm forever grateful for my step mom not hating me for it or my step sister not resenting me for it. I won't be able to make it this holiday but I want to be there for them cause I really am the only male family figure either of them have now.
A month later, OP shared an update.
I decided not to cut my step family out of my life. My second question if I was TA if I go or not and people say its up to me. So I went to my step mom's place for Christmas, this was my first time with my step mom and step sister without my dad. It was super hard cause I sat in the seat he always sat on and I just broke down crying.
I am forever grateful for both my step sister and step mom cause we all just had a group hug on her couch while I bawled my eyes out. It ended and we didn't open presents but just talked. We had brunch and it went well tho I was holding in tears for the whole thing, this was the first time I could see they actually do care for me and I care for them.
They are my family, I didn't stay the night cause I def couldn't do that but I left around 11 at night. This was the first time I ever felt like a full family unit and not the bad kid who fought with my step mom was just wasn't the nicest to my step sister. I thank them so much for not holding a grudge when I went through my teen rebel phase.
I hugged them both goodbye and went home, I feel like me giving them a shot and going to my dad's place helped me realize that these are the people who have always been there for me. I mean they were the ones who didn't give up on me when I was a troubled teen and I love them both for it.
I text my step sister almost daily now even if its just a good morning or I have the day off and I call my step mom a bit too now but it goes a bit deeper and I've started to really trust her like a mom. Thank you all for the advice and to not cut them out cause it really did help me realize that we ARE a family. We have been since I was 8 and I love and care for both of them very much.
The internet was happy to hear an update.
damoloo wrote:
You sir/madam just grew up. Feels good doesn't it? I got closer to my step mother when I warmed her at a burial in the UP of Michigan while my father was morning the loss of his parent. Put the past behind you, you want a good grandmother in your kids lives when you have kids!
OP responded:
I agree, I was a bad kid/brother growing up and I regret that. I am so glad neither of them held that against me and just saw it as a bratty teen. Once I have kids I think having a good aunt/grandma will be awesome for them.
Blipblipbloop wrote:
So happy you went. Your story made me cry. I’m so glad you have found comfort in their love and that you have someone to share and help you through the grieving process. Wishing you nothing but the best.
notgoodbutgoodenough wrote:
Wow. I remember reading the original post and didn't expect this ending. I'm glad you chose to go because it seemed obvious that your stepmom worked hard to be there for you. You need family in your time of mourning(my deepest condolences), And they need you.
Shutting down and shutting in seems like a good option but it's not the healthy option. It makes me happy to hear that you have a good family who truly care for you. Congratulations on making me cry. Didn't plan on doing that tonight but here we are. I kinda want to quote the lilo & stitch mantra.