'AITA for not wanting a relationship with my mom's family after they cut her out and chose my dad's side in the divorce?'
"AITA for not wanting a relationship with my mom's family after they cut her out and chose my dad's side in the divorce?"
I (24M) have a complicated family situation stemming from my parents' divorce when I was 10. The background: Three years before the divorce, my parents adopted my brother (now 22) from Russia.
After bringing him home, he began to exhibit severe behavioral issues - attacking me, stealing, breaking things, screaming, and lying. He ended up getting diagnosed with several conditions including fetal alcohol syndrome and reactive attachment disorder.
The main issue was that these behaviors were only ever witnessed by my mom and I. My dad worked nights and slept days, so he wasn't around much. My brother was incredibly manipulative and of course acted like an angel whenever my dad or others were around.
While back home things had got so bad that mom and I had to lock our doors at night because we feared he might attack us in our sleep (which my dad dismissed as an overreaction).
When my mom tried talking to her family about these issues and how they were affecting things at home, they accused her of exaggerating and making things up to make my dad look bad. Even when I tried backing up my mom's stories, I was dismissed as not understanding cause I was "just a kid".
After the divorce, my mom's family completely cut her out while continuing to include my dad in all family events. My mom won full custody of me, so I had little to no contact with my dad and zero contact with that side of my family for five years.
When I started seeing my dad again in high school, I was reintroduced to mom's family, but these interactions were always uncomfortable especially being there with my dad. My grandparents did slightly reconnect with my mom after her breast cancer diagnosis back in 2021, but her siblings have still never reached out.
Just last week, my mom's uncle (my grandma's brother) passed away, and when she reached out about funeral details, they completely ignored her. However, My dad and his new wife continue to be fully included - my grandparents even attended their wedding two years ago.
Recently, my dad has been pressuring me more and more to have a closer relationship with my mom's family, giving lectures about the importance of family and guilt-tripping me for not prioritizing them.
I feel like I'd be betraying my mom by having a relationship with them while they continue to keep her in the dark but fully embrace my dad and his new wife. AITA for staying distant from them?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA that "family" doesn't care about your and your mother's safety.
What happened to your brother? Did he go with dad? still with dad? I know not what you are asking but this seems a big hole - like why did her family side with him?
NTA - Tell your dad you'll go NC if he keeps pressuring you. Never beg for any relationship. Know the difference between Family and Relatives. Just because you share DNA means nothing.
This would be an obvious NTA except for a few things, the first being if this is even real. The second, why did your mkther’s family side with your father? That is odd. Third, where is the psycho adopted brother now? Who did he live with after the divorce?
INFO: who got custody of your brother, and how did he behave for THEM? I highly doubt he's still managed to fool everyone. Which means...I have NO respect for your mom's family as they won't even admit they screwed up so badly. I'm really doubting this is real. He managed to fake normal for several years to her entire family???
NTA. Seems like you just gotta cut dad out or at the very least tell him the truth about how you feel. In order for mom to get 100% custody she was able to prove neglect and or abuse. It's insanely hard to get 100% custody of a kid unless there is a very very good reason just remember that.
Personally at your age I would have gone the petty bad kid route and be super disrespectful to them or rather make it known I could care less about them. Basically make it so they don't want to be around me and then the whole spend time with them goes away.
It's an extremely manipulative thing to do but I wouldn't care. I'm very manipulative when I want to be I just don't really tap those powers because I don't like being that person unless pushed to it.
NTA frankly I wouldn't have been willing to spend any time with them in the first place.
NTA. Russian adoptions going bad is a very common thing. Shame on your mom’s family for not supporting her. I’m glad she got you out to safety.
How can your dad spout the importance of family when he INGORED the safety of you and your mum (his family) and hangs with your MOTHER'S family who also didnt care about you or your mother??? He has lost the right to talk about family.
Tell your Dad not to be a hypocrite. If family was important you wouldn't have to reconnect with your Mom's side because they never would have cut her out (and you, by extension).
If family was important he would have had a care to investigate what you and your Mom were saying about your adoptive brother rather than be manipulated. Clearly family is not that important and that's how he's lived his life. Don't start revising history now Dad.
NTA. But we need more details about the adopted brother. Did your dad, his new wife, and the extended family see what he really was?