'My husband is threatening divorce since I won't let my SIL wet nurse my baby. AITA?' UPDATED

"AITA for not wanting my SIL to wet nurse my child?"

Didn't think this would even still be a thing in the 21st century, let alone an argument that I would face as a parent, but here we are. My husband and I had our first child six weeks ago after trying for years. I wanted to breastfeed, but my milk never came in despite my best efforts.

We've been trying different formulas, but all the ones we've tried don't seem to work, and we don't have unlimited options to try with any level of consistency. We've been supplementing with donor milk, which I was always hesitant on due to the risks. I've found two women that I've been able to screen, but I can't get the amount I would need from them, and one just finished weaning.

My SIL has two kids, 3 and 10 mos. She has never had problems with production, and for some reason she's willing to feed the babies of people she knows to "help out". One of her neighbors has taken her up on this, and my husband really wants our baby to be baby #3. I'm not comfortable with it.

My SIL and I have almost no relationship. She has... very strange views on motherhood that were born from trauma from her adoptive mother, who is now in prison. She always kept her distace from me, and getting pregnant only solidified this. I wasn't allowed to go to anything baby related or give her a single gift, not even a card, because it 'made her uncomfortable'.

Even if we were best friends, her views make the offer just plain unsafe. For one, she refuses to use a pump, which means my baby would be skin to skin with her and be directly exposed to not only her but the two other babies and two other households. There would be no hygiene standards whatsoever. Two, I don't know anything about her diet or supplements.

She refuses to tell me anything about it, claiming that she isn't "signing up to be my employee" and am "using a kind offer to exert power". Tbh, I wouldn't really trust her if she did anyway because she's less than honest about her views. She said she wanted homebirths with her children, but her husband wasn't comfortable with it, so she agreed to hospital births.

Somehow, she "accidentally" just happened to have both of her children alone at home. My husband thinks none of this matters, that we just need to deal with it because we need her, and that it's perfectly safe because she's family and "not like an addict or something". We've been arguing about it for days, and today he took the baby over to her house and just LET her do it.

When he got back, it went off. He's now demanding that we do this, that this has gone on too long, we're out of time, and he "won't let me control the baby's life to [bad outcome]" because I'm not willing to "accept reality".

He's even threatening divorce so he could "make sure the baby was fed at least half the time". I'm wrecked over this because of course I can see the difference, but it's just not dire enough to make such a blatantly unsafe decision yet. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

batmandi said:

Go to the pediatrician with your husband with the facts, including that she won’t divulge meds and supplements, won’t pump, and your husband is giving you an ultimatum. You don’t feel comfortable because of these reasons, husband thinks your child is going to starve.

1.) What is she going to do, live at your house or come over every 3 hours to nurse? Take your baby to her home and you can come visit?

2.) She sounds terrible.

3.) I’ve heard other animal milk can be used that is better for babies than cow, like goat. You may be able to supplement lack of formula with that, but consult your pedi obviously first.

Sooooooo NTA. Your SIL is weird AF though. Your husband is desperate and being rash. I understand where he’s coming from. As someone who’s boobs never worked I’m a big proponent of “FED is best”, but it would have taken me a lot to let another woman straight up breastfeed my baby. Her offer could be valiant if it didn’t feel so much like a carrot on a string…

Fomention said:

I wasn't allowed to go to anything baby related or give her a single gift, not even a card, because it 'made her uncomfortable'. This solidifies it. NTA. She refused to have a relationship with you, and now she wants to nourish your baby? Sorry, but I might sooner spend the money to go to a breast milk bank.

OP responded:

Her views come down to not trusting any infertile woman that wants kids, and being against the commodifying of motherhood.

I kind of understand the first part because of what her former adoptive mother and the groups she was in were doing and what they did to her. Her former mother is in prison to this day, and she was rescued from her at 16. To her, I was just another woman who might do anything to her and/or her child.

She returned my gifts out of a PTSD fear. It wasn't personal. She desperately needed me to leave her alone for her mental health. It could be okay now, but the foundation just isn't there.

The second part is where I don't understand. Fear of hospitals for childbirth/pregnancy comes from a fear of being mistreated or discarded, which I understand from what she's experienced, but she's also against adoption, surrogacy, egg donation, and basically any fertility treatments aside from medication.

Milk banks that aren't medical in nature are in high demand, and the supply isn't high enough to meet it. I would have to relax standards to about my SILs level to get enough from them anyway. We don't qualify for the hospital ones.

And Accomplished_Set4862 said:

YTA. You have a national shortage of formula, a hungry baby, and a kind offer from someone you seem to make it your life's work to pick holes in. Your husband would be quite justified in removing the baby from your care, and a judge is going to laugh when you explain the reasons you have given here.

PhilShank22 said:

NTA. You have a right to know how your wet nurse would perform her duties so they were done in a manner that you feel is safe. But, you're in a rock and a hard place, because you need the milk. Your SIL isn't going to change, so you've either got to accept playing it by her rules, or go elsewhere. But you're NTA for not wanting her.

And OP responded:

I know how just not what's, you know, going into the milk, what her hygiene situation is like, and anything about the second baby or their family. I know the second baby's mom basically lives over there and basically does a nanny share with her kids and my SIL's because my SIL works from home, but that's it. My SIL's household is all fully vaccinated, but this second family? No idea.

I also know my SIL drinks sometimes, and while it's not to the point of it being a problem, I'm not really comfortable with that in donor milk.

She later shared this update/edit:

We had an emergency call with our pediatrician this morning. It was eye-opening. While thankfully the baby is not at failure to thrive yet, it is truly more dire than I was willing to admit. The current patchwork of constant new formula and what milk I can get isn't acceptable anymore and there needs to be a stable supply of something now.

My husband will be working from home with the baby at SIL's house for the rest of the week, and staying over there until Saturday. If that goes well, the baby will be staying with SIL until Monday to catch up and give us both a reset.

I've also agreed that if this works, we'll wait at least a month before exploring alternatives to allow for stability. We're 4 hours in and the baby has improved with normal bms, so it's looking like this is the plan.