'AITA for not wanting my sister’s polyamorous side-GF at our family Christmas?'
"AITA for not wanting my sister’s polyamorous side-GF at our family Christmas?"
My sister is bi and poly and has been with her husband for about 10 years. A few months ago she started officially dating her girlfriend alongside her husband. Her husband also started seeing a new girl.
We had Thanksgiving at my sister’s house with our immediate family, which she invited her girlfriend to. It’s her house so she didn’t really need to ask us, but we were all kind of surprised that she would do that since the relationship is new and unconventional.
Less than a month later, my sister told me her girlfriend has moved into the house my sister owns with her husband. Even though her husband has a girlfriend outside the family, he is not trying to involve her at all to the same extent and I don’t think he has ever even brought her to their house.
Now I’m hosting our small family Christmas at my place, which has always just been my siblings, our mom, and our long term partners (like my sister’s husband and my partner.) It seemed unspoken and understood that it would just be us, but then a few days ago my sister asked if she could invite her new girlfriend.
I don’t want to make her upset, but I just want our family there because it’s a small and intimate gathering where we eat dinner and open presents. It just seems wildly out of place for her to involve someone that isn’t her main partner with the family and I don’t know why she doesn’t realize that.
I don’t want her to feel attacked for being poly because I don’t care that she has multiple relationships, but I wish she would keep her side relationships separate from family. And even if she wasn’t poly, I don’t think it would be appropriate to bring such a new relationship and someone we’ve met once to our small and intimate family gathering. AITA for not letting her bring her girlfriend?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Wednesdaye87 said:
It’s your house so totally up to you who you want to attend, but you do need to be ready for her to decline coming if her girlfriend isn’t welcome.
l3ex_G said:
NTA, it’s your house and I think it’s fine to tell your sister that you need some time and space with the new girlfriend and that for this Christmas you do not want to invite her. Then take the time to talk to your sister to get used to the idea. If they continue their relationship you should expect her to be invited going forward. It’s okay to take time to process but you should be making the effort.
kinwall said:
NTA It’s your home and if is a tradition to keep it small it’s your right to want to keep it like that! Although I think it does bother you that she’s poly, because one thing is not to get the new gf involved in your small gathering and another thing is not want her to be involved with any family at all.
thequiethunter said:
NTA. Your event, your guest list. You deserve time to adjust and process.
beeka-996 said:
NTA - Mainly because I feel like you want to be supportive but still trying to understand her. Maybe you should talk to her about you guys going out for dinner, just the four of you. It'll give you the chance to warm up and get to know the girl. This will also help you support the relationship in the big family events.
darkearwig said:
NTA imagine if she had 3 girlfriends, would you be expected to accommodate all of them?
After reading the comments, OP updated the post to include:
This gathering is not happening on Christmas day, but several days before. Her partner is not alone on Christmas, I’m assuming they will spend it together. I’m also sorry for referring to her partners as “main” and “side” and I see how this can be offensive.
I’m just not ready to accept a new partner on the same level as her husband who I have known for 10 years. Most of my discomfort stems from how fast her relationship is moving and not that she’s poly. Thank you for giving me many perspectives to think about. I love my sister and this will help me have a conversation with her and understand her better.