'AITA for not wanting to spend holidays with my brother and sister-in-law and their kids?'
"AITA for not wanting to spend holidays with my brother and sister in law and their kids?"
My sister-in -aw (who is married to my husband’s brother) sent my husband and I a text asking what day we were planning on heading to my husband’s dad’s house to celebrate Christmas so that they could meet us there. For context, they went no contact with us for a little over a year and decided to reconnect this year.
We tried reaching out multiple times to find out why and never got an answer. Fast forward, my husband’s brother finally reached out because he missed him and explained (I s**t you not) that he was offended because I was surprised he had a Pinterest account and he didn’t like my tone when I showed my surprise.
His wife also was offended by me answering the multiple questions I was getting about when I was going to start having babies (the day after my wedding) with the following, “I do want to wait until my mom can apply for her visa so that she can come and be with me during postpartum”.
This one I understand because her mom had passed away a year before that. However, I wish they had told me that was the issue when I kept reaching out instead of ghosting us. They also said my personality was too much for them and the constant invitations to do things was overwhelming for them and seemed fake.
My personality isn’t for everyone, cool. But the invites were group invites I was sending out to our friends and I was just trying to include them. Now this year, they reached out and said they realized they may have over exaggerated and want a relationship after all. However, I simply don’t care to have one anymore.
I tried to have a good relationship with them before they cut us off and would babysit and loved spoiling their baby girl. It hurt when they cut me off without any explanation. And at the time my own family was falling apart so I was excited to join theirs. They also convinced my mother in law to cut me off and she spoke so much shit about me to all of my husband’s family.
Now that they have two more babies, I recognize their effort in trying to have some sort of connection and we’ve had play dates and met up. I simply don’t want to spend my holidays with them. And it annoyed me that her text wasn’t her asking if we are open to celebrating Christmas together, but just asking for a date that would work with us.
I ended up replying to them that “we weren’t really planning on going to their dad’s for Christmas when they were” and that we’re “trying to keep these holidays super casual and not overwhelming for us”. I also said that “the assumption that we were down for that kind of threw me off and I just want to be transparent." Am I the one overreacting now and being TA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
CartoonistSeparate47 wrote:
NTA.
I think they're just looking for a free babysitter and gifts for their kids. I wouldn't want to spend time with them either, especially after ruining your relationship with MIL.
MelodicYak7196 wrote:
NTA - there has got to be an ulterior motive with your SIL wanting you back into the fold. I’ll bet it’s babysitting.
passcomprehensive425 wrote:
NTA. They're likely looking for free childcare, help with drop-off and pickups for their three kids, they need money, or big favor like reference or for you to co-sign a loan. Tell them that your family now does mellow, peaceful Christmases. Spending time with your in-laws was not even a consideration.
Since you still not sure what happened to start the disagreement; it might be best that if you don't gather for high stress times. If they are trying to reconcile, you are willing to do a zoom meeting in the new year. Then see what happens. If there is nothing ulterior, they should be willing. If they want something from you, they will try and force the issue.
blueberry000777 wrote:
NTA in my opinion. I think it’s better to ease back into a relationship with them than immediately rushing to spend Christmas together. Holidays are filled with drama, something would come up and it’d ruin Christmas so I don’t blame you for wanting a casual holiday without them.
I would be honest with them though and explain that at this point in time you’re enjoying your peace and don’t really care to have a relationship with them. Definitely talk to your husband about how you feel because it’s his family ofc but i wouldn’t want to be around people who cut me off and convinced others to do the same while talking crap.
melodypowers wrote:
What does your husband want? This is his brother. If he wants to have a relationship, I really think you should support it. I can understand how hurt and confused you were by their actions, but for me at least, it isn't unforgivable. If your husband is ambivalent or doesn't want to move forward, then you should just ghost them right back.
johnnyd50 wrote:
NTA. They established their own personal reasons for disliking you whether it was valid or extremely petty which it was. People like them are extremely not genuine, cowardice and two faced. I have dealt with this type of people all my life. They will exploit you and stab you in the back when you disappoint them in the slightest.
If they don't have the balls to be upfront with you, and show some introspection on their MISDEEDS because that what they were not mistakes, then you should not feel guilty. You need to surround yourself with people that will support you and improve your life positively. These two will not do that, best to distance. You can be gracious without being warm, do not rugsweep anything that they did.