'AITA for not wanting to have my step-kids on my honeymoon?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting to have my step-kids on my honeymoon?"
I ( F,28) have been in a relationship with my fiancé, Tyler ( M, 42) for the last 4 years. He has 2 kids from previous marriage (Kids are 8.5 year old boy and 11 year old girl). His wife passed way when his youngest was 1 year old. He met me 3 years later. His kids are wonderful and lovely and we get along great. We live together. I do everything for them since Tyler works long hours.
They call me mom, but they are aware who their real mom is. We have her pictures in their rooms, and Tyler talks about her to them all the time. We are planning our wedding. My father offered his condo in Hawaii to us so we can enjoy our honeymoon there. It was a very kind and generous offer. When I told Tyler he was so grateful.
Then he said “I bet kids will have a blast”. I looked at him in disbelief and said “kids?!“ He said yes! I said that’s our honeymoon! I don’t wanna be a mom on my honeymoon. We can go on plenty of family trips later but this is our honeymoon!
He said “I was honest with you from day one! I told you I’m a package deal! You can’t just choose me not my kids”. I told him I understand but can they stay with your mom for one week?
Just for our honeymoon. He got very frustrated and said he couldn’t believe how insensitive and selfish I was being. AITAH to expect to have a child free honeymoon?
Added later:
Ok I said I won’t reply because I was emotional. I went for a long bath (I’m off today). I’m better now 1- I was in to him. I pursued him. I thought he was younger. He told me about his real age, his kids, his late wife from the first moment.
He even said he would understand if I say no. I loved him. I loved how honest, kind caring he was. He cuddles until we go to sleep. We don’t have alone time or date nights. True. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t say he loves me or he is not affectionate.
I decided to cancel everything. I don’t think he is ready and we need to a have serious talk. I also need to know if he even can have kids ( or he had a vasectomy). Either way we are not ready to be married.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
CymruB
You seem to be “mom” to his kids first and partner second. I don’t think I need to think too hard about what the division in labour looks like your household either. I’m also getting controlling vibes.
From what you’ve said:
He’s disinterested in marriage, preferring a quick (an unromantic) city hall wedding as it would feel weird having another wedding again after his wife died.
You’ve never had a 1:1 date with him, only family outings. You take the primary role in caring for the children. He’s not interested in having more kids now but will think about it in the future. You really want children of your own.
He is morally outraged at the idea that you would even want to “abandon” the children to go on honeymoon and is questioning your character for desiring it. We don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but from the snippets you’ve shared beyond your initial AITA post, you see the flags here right?
patentmom
OP, he's not marrying you for you to be his wife. He's marrying you to be his live-in nanny. Do not marry him. You will never have a real relationship with your husband. He may even expect to divorce you once the kids are grown and you're not needed anymore for their care.
Not to mention, with the age gap, even if he "agreed" to have more children with you, it is likely he will refuse until the current kids are grown, then refuse because he's too old to want to have more babies. You are not going to be his wife. You are going to be his unpaid childcare worker. If you're OK with that, then go ahead with the wedding.
BetMean9864
NTA. Is that even a question? It's honeymoon, not Thanksgiving.
Reasonable_Wing_4159 OP responded:
He made me feel like I’m an evil step mother who is excluding his kids. But it’s our honeymoon! I don’t wanna worry about kids.
SweetSerenityxx
RUN! It is one thing to neglect your kids and another to not realize that every environment is not appropriate for children to be involved. You will have further issues down the road regarding this, especially if you ever decide to have children with this man.
He won't even hear you out and you should be cautious about being with someone who could automatically cast you as an evil stepparent because you have boundaries.
The next day, the OP returned with an update:
Thank you very much for all the private messages and comments. I’m so glad I posted here. So many of you suspected that he has had vasectomy. Well, I decided to have a serious discussion with him about everything last night.
He said he has never cheated on me and he never will. I asked him if he had vasectomy and ffs just tell me. He didn’t even deny it. He said yea but you gotta understand I lost my wife when my youngest was an infant.
It was such a traumatic time for me. I wanted to make sure I’ll never go through it again. I started crying ! I asked him how could he lie to me all these years? He didn’t even feel bad! He said, "Well you never asked! You asked now and I told you! Plus, what’s the big deal? I have frozen sperm in the clinic and it’s a reversible procedure”.
I was floored! You saw me taking pills yet you didn’t mention? He said “well, I thought you are taking pills because you have heavy period”. I couldn’t believe this man still blames me when he was the one lying in my face!
I told him how unhappy I am, how burnt out I am and he uses his work hours so he can dump the responsibilities on me and I don’t even feel loved anymore. I gave him his ring back and told him I was done.
He was shocked. At first he thought I was kidding, then he saw me packing my clothes at 11 pm. So, he started arguing that I should just wait a little longer so by December he will know about his job. After that, we will go to a fertility clinic and “you will have your stupid baby”.
Then he started guilt tripping me, saying stuff like his kids have already been traumatized once how could I be so selfish and leave them. I didn’t even bother answering. I left for my parents' place.
He has been begging and saying he will change , he will be more involved , and asking me to come back (“you are their mom! Come back! We miss you “)?. I’m mentally exhausted. I can’t believe I have been so stupid. I’m gonna start finding a place for myself near my work. Thank you.
Important-Ad-8258
I am SO proud of you. I am sure this had to have been so hard but you did the right thing. You deserve so much better and did nothing wrong, please don’t let the guilt tripping make you feel bad. Sending so so so much love.
Reasonable_Wing_4159 OP responded:
I have been crying a lot. I can’t believe him! I poured my heart and soul in this relationship and he lied in my face and now blames me.
Short-pitched
He is just self absorbed and selfish who is using his kids and wife’s death as an excuse.
Cursd818
Ah, the love bombing begins. The endless promises to change, how much he and the kids are missing you, how cruel you're being to them by leaving. He's going to do everything he can, say whatever he thinks will work, to bully you into going back.
Leaving was the right thing to do, but staying away is going to be much, much harder. Tell your parents and your friends exactly why you've left and don't want to go back, so they can support you in staying away from him. Don't be silent about this or feel ashamed. You deserve much better than this, and I hope you get it.
Reasonable_Wing_4159 OP responded:
That’s exactly what he is doing. My parents think I overreacted and I should give him another chance. My parents love him and his kids. They keep saying what a nice guy he is. I can’t believe they are taking his side ?♀️ I need to find my own place asap.
Electronic_Pizza2356
honestly at this point just say if they love him that much they could live with him and take care of his kids if they adore them that much to not even see the pain and betrayal he put you thru.