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Woman faces backlash for wanting honeymoon without fiancé's kids. AITA? Updated 2X

Woman faces backlash for wanting honeymoon without fiancé's kids. AITA? Updated 2X

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"AITA for not wanting to have my step kids at my honeymoon?"

Reasonable_Wing_4159

I (F,28) have been in a relationship with my fiancé, Tyler (M, 42) for the last 4 years. He has 2 kids from previous marriage (Kids are 8.5 year old boy and 11 year old girl). His wife passed way when his youngest was 1 year old. He met me 3 years later.

His kids are wonderful and lovely and we get along great. We live together. I do everything for them since Tyler works long hours. They call me mom but they are aware who their real mom is.

We have her pictures in their rooms, and Tyler talks about her to them all the time. We are planning our wedding. My father offered his condo in Hawaii to us so we can enjoy our honeymoon there.

It was a very kind and generous offer. When I told Tyler he was so grateful. Then he said, “I bet kids will have a blast”. I looked at him in disbelief and said ,“kids?! “ He said yes!

I said that’s our honeymoon! I don’t wanna be a mom on my honeymoon. We can go on plenty of family trips later but this is our honeymoon! He said, “I was honest with you from day one! I told you I’m a package deal! You can’t just choose me not my kids”.

I told him I understand but can they stay with your mom for one week? Just for our honeymoon. He got very frustrated and said he couldn’t believe how insensitive and selfish I was being. AITA to expect to have a child free honeymoon?

Added later:

Ok I said I won’t reply because I was emotional. I went for a long bath (I’m off today). I’m better now. I was in to him. I pursued him. I thought he was younger. He told me about his real age, his kids, his late wife from the first moment. He even said he would understand if I say no. I loved him. I loved how honest, kind caring he was.

We don’t have alone time or date nights. True. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t say he loves me or he is not affectionate. I decided to cancel everything. I don’t think he is ready and we need to a have serious talk. I also need to know if he even can have kids (or he had a vasectomy). Either way we are not ready to be married.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:

CymruB

You seem to be “mom” to his kids first and partner second. I don’t think I need to think too hard about what the division in labour looks like your household either. I’m also getting controlling vibes.

From what you’ve said, he’s disinterested in marriage, preferring a quick (an unromantic) city hall wedding as it would feel weird having another wedding again after his wife died. You’ve never had a 1:1 date with him, only family outings.

You take the primary role in caring for the children. He’s not interested in having more kids now but will think about it in the future. You really want children of your own. He is morally outraged at the idea that you would even want to “abandon” the children to go on honeymoon and is questioning your character for desiring it.

We don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but from the snippets you’ve shared beyond your initial AITA post, but you can see the flags here, right?

patentmom

OP, he's not marrying you for you to be his wife. He's marrying you to be his live-in nanny. Do not marry him. You will never have a real relationship with your husband. He may even expect to divorce you once the kids are grown and you're not needed anymore for their care.

Not to mention, with the age gap, even if he "agreed" to have more children with you, it is likely he will refuse until the current kids are grown, then refuse because he's too old to want to have more babies. You are not going to be his wife. You are going to be his unpaid childcare worker. If you're OK with that, then go ahead with the wedding.

BetMean9864

NTA. Is that even a question? It's honeymoon, not Thanksgiving.

The OP responded here:

Reasonable_Wing_4159

He made me feel like I’m an evil step mother who is excluding his kids. But it’s our honeymoon! I don’t wanna worry about kids.

SweetSerenityxx

RUN! It is one thing to neglect your kids and another to not realize that every environment is not appropriate for children to be involved. You will have further issues down the road regarding this, especially if you ever decide to have children with this man.

He won't even hear you out and you should be cautious about being with someone who could automatically cast you as an evil stepparent because you have boundaries.

The next day, the OP returned with an update.

"Update-AITA for not wanting to have my step kids at my honeymoon?"

Reasonable_Wing_4159

Thank you very much for all the private messages and comments. I’m so glad I posted here. So many of you suspected that he has had vasectomy. Well, I decided to have a serious discussion with him about everything last night. He said he has never cheated on me and he never will. I asked him if he had vasectomy and to just tell me.

He didn’t even deny it. He said yea but you gotta understand I lost my wife when my youngest was an infant. It was such a traumatic time for me. I wanted to make sure I’ll never go through it again. I started crying! I asked him how could he lie to me all these years?

He didn’t even feel bad! He said “well you never asked! You asked now and I told you! Plus what’s the big deal? I have frozen sperm in the clinic and it’s a reversible procedure”. I was floored! You saw me taking pills yet you didn’t mention?

He said “well, I thought you are taking pills because you have a heavy period”. I couldn’t believe this man still blames me when he was the one lying in my face! I told him how unhappy I am, how burnt out I am and he uses his work hours so he can dump the responsibilities on me and I don’t even feel loved anymore.

I gave him his ring back and told him I was done. He was shocked. At first he thought I was kidding then he saw me packing my clothes at 11 pm so he started arguing that I should just wait a little longer so by December he will know about his job.

After that we will go to a fertility clinic and “you will have your stupid baby”. Then he started guilt tripping me. Saying stuff like his kids have already been traumatized once how could I be so selfish and leave them. I didn’t even bother answering.

I left for my parent’s place. He has been begging and saying he will change, he will be more involved, and asking me to come back (“you are their mom! Come back! We miss you “)🙄. I’m mentally exhausted. I can’t believe I have been so stupid. I’m gonna start finding a place for myself near my work. Thank you.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:

Cursd818

Ah, the love bombing begins. The endless promises to change, how much he and the kids are missing you, how cruel you're being to them by leaving. He's going to do everything he can, say whatever he thinks will work, to bully you into going back.

Leaving was the right thing to do, but staying away is going to be much, much harder. Tell your parents and your friends exactly why you've left and don't want to go back, so they can support you in staying away from him. Don't be silent about this or feel ashamed. You deserve much better than this, and I hope you get it.

The OP responded here:

Reasonable_Wing_4159

That’s exactly what he is doing. My parents think I overreacted and I should give him another chance. My parents love him and his kids. They keep saying what a nice guy he is. I can’t believe they are taking his side 🤦‍♀️ I need to find my own place asap.

Buttered_Crumpet09

Honestly, be blunt with your parents. "So you guys love and are good with a man who lied to me throughout our relationship? You love and are good with the man who had me raising his kids whilst potentially denying me children of my own?

You love and are good with the man who referred to your potential grandchild as a 'stupid baby'? You love and are good with the man who didn't want to give me a wedding or do anything for me, who weaponised his kids and their loss as a family to try and control me, and who has broken my heart? Really?

Tell me what is nice about any of that. Tell me why I should settle for all of that. Tell me why you are so willing to back that man over your own child. I am your daughter, and you should know me well enough to know that I would not walk away from a relationship unless I have a good reason, and he gave me plenty of reasons.

You want to cheerlead and support a liar, a manipulator, and a controlling jerk instead of cheerleading and supporting your daughter who wants to be loved, respected, and valued. What do you think that says about you?"

He is not a nice guy. He is only grovelling now because he is having to parent and do everything for himself. He is fundamentally dishonest and only has loyalty to himself. You deserve infinitely better, so please stay strong.

nick4424

“You will have your stupid baby.” How did you not fall into his arms after hearing that?

But seriously, sounds like he was stringing you along. He wants you to replace his wife, not start your own life.

Important-Ad-8258

I am SO proud of you. I am sure this had to have been so hard but you did the right thing. You deserve so much better and did nothing wrong, please don’t let the guilt tripping make you feel bad. Sending so so so much love.

The next day, the OP returned with their final update.

"My ex told lies to his kids about our break up"

Reasonable_Wing_4159

I left my ex because he was lying to me and treating me like garbage as I mentioned in another post. We were together for 4 years and I did everything for his two kids (their bio mom passed away 7 years ago).

I went back to pack my stuff and his daughter said her dad told her that I left because I couldn’t stand them anymore and he chose them over me. I was floored. I asked my ex and he (in front of the kids) said that he was just telling them the truth.

He said you wanted a baby because my kids were too much for you, you hated my kids, remember you even wanted to exclude them from our trip (He meant honeymoon!! He wanted to bring his kids to our freaking honeymoon ffs)?

I told the kids that’s not true and tried to explain but both kids cried and went to their rooms. My ex screamed HAPPY NOW?! GTFO of my house. I know I shouldn’t care but after 4 years of doing everything for them, this is what I get? I’m so mad at him.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final post:

notes-you-never-hear

I read and responded to your earlier posts. How completely vile! At least he's made it obvious that you made the right decision. I'm so sorry for your pain. It's such a blessing you didn't marry him. I feel sorry for his kids, obviously, that their dad is so incredibly toxic and twisted. But I'm glad you are escaping before the wedding.

checkmark46

Those poor kids being told someone hates them for no reason. Looks like you dodged a huge bullet!

BeneficialDemand567

Wow that melted down quickly. Sounds like you dodged a major bullet. You should go out with your friends to celebrate the fact that you have your life back. And next time, find a man without kids.

UnusualPotato1515

Vile man but honestly not one bit surprised! Only a horrible person intentionally hurts his own kids like that to get back at someone! Please tell your parents what he did & if they still think this psycho is a ‘nice man’!

I have satisfaction that he’s screwed for childcare with long summer break coming up & he has upset kids to deal with! Also, be prepared for this psycho to come grovelling back & love bombing you lots out of desperation for your help! Block him now you got your stuff & dont forget to stop all payments for bills & rent to his place, so he has increased living expenses to deal with as-well!

Hot_Promotion996

Girl you are YOUNG we’re around the same age I’m 29F, glad you left and didn’t marry that man. His true colors showed. Now you get to start over from scratch and create your own family.

That man is crazy, screw him and those kids honestly. He’s in his 40s acting like that? You definitely dodged a bullet. Those kids will be horrible as time goes on. Rejoice! It’s okay to be sad but let it go and see the greatness!

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit,Reddit
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