'AITA for not wanting to send my stepdaughters’ grandma the photos from our family photoshoot?'

"AITA for not wanting to send my stepdaughters’ grandmother the individual photos from our family photoshoot?"

I (36F) am married to my husband (34M). His two daughters, 12 and 14, have lived with us full-time for the past three years. The relationship with their mom is complicated. The girls originally lived with her, but the living conditions became unsafe they had rats and cockroaches in the home, she moved them through three schools in 18 months, and was constantly unstable.

My husband was paying child support, but we honestly never knew where the money went. It got bad enough that he started splitting the payment, half on the 1st and half on the 15th because she would blow through it immediately. Eventually, the girls came to live with us full-time because we could provide stability.

Since then, we’ve paid for everything clothes, medical care, therapy, activities, school stuff, etc. She doesn’t pay child support now, and we live in another state. The only thing she’s responsible for is their flights to visit her. Half the time she can’t even pay for those. The girls’ grandmother often steps in and covers for her.

I’m the one who handles 95% of the parenting duties. I do all the pickups, drop-offs, appointments, activities, therapy sessions, etc. I’ve rearranged my work schedule around their needs. I’m not complaining, I love the girls and I’m happy to be there for them. But it’s been a lot.

Recently, I realized we had never taken professional family photos, so I planned a whole session. I researched photographers, booked the shoot, paid for it, coordinated outfits, scheduled hair appointments for the girls and myself, everything. The photos turned out amazing. My husband posted them on Facebook.

The next day, the oldest told me that her grandma said she loved our family pictures and asked if she could send her the individual pictures of the girls. I told my husband I wanted to send a polite message explaining that I paid for and orchestrated the entire session for our family, and I’m not comfortable sending the individual photos for someone else to redistribute or use in ways I didn’t intend.

I offered to send her other pictures I’ve taken of the girls instead. My husband thinks I’m being petty and that they’re just pictures. I think it’s weird for the grandma to ask for the photos through the kids instead of directly asking us.

She does this a lot plays telephone instead of communicating like an adult. I don’t want these photos ending up with their mom. These pictures were something special for our family, and grandma asking for only the individual shots feels like she’s cutting me and their dad out of the picture figuratively and literally.

I’ve been raising these kids for years, and I’m still constantly made to feel like I don’t belong. Setting boundaries is something I’ve only recently started doing for my own sanity. AITA for not wanting to send the grandmother the individual photos from our family photoshoot?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Sheramom4 wrote:

YTA. And yes, you are petty. You don't want their mother to end up with photos of them? Seriously? Or the grandmother to have photos of the only two people in your family she is related to or cares about? This is next-level pettiness.

You have been raising the kids for a couple of years, when they were well past the diaper-changing, tantrum throwing, etc years. Or even the full-time care years. And it sounds like your husband needs to step up and be their dad as well. Send grandma the photos of her granddaughters with well-wishes and love from the girls.

If you don't and continue this track the kids will end up not having any relationship with you or their dad in the future because they will know you were petty. This is suppose to be about them and loving and supporting them, not about you and how you feel about their mom, grandma, or the situation. Your husband needs to simply send the photos like a parent would.

Top-Calligrapher7311 wrote:

YTA. It's weird that you're refusing to send your kids' grandma pictures of them just because you paid for the pictures (of course you paid for them, just like you pay for their school photos or whatever else). Their grandma is their family and if the girls want to give her the pictures of them, they should be provided copies to do just that.

Grandma wants the individual pics of the girls because those are her grandbabies and she's not actually related to you. It's very weird that you're offended by this, and no you can't cover it up with "I'm setting boundaries." No, you're not. You're being an AH and exclusionary to someone your girls love.

SeattleGirl99 wrote:

OP, please seek therapy. I say that with all the kindness. You sound burned out and in score keeper mode. Please be kind. Please love these girls more than you despise the adults in their lives. Role model what grace and kindness look like - always.

It’s their grandmother. Their blood. Their family too. She probably has a lot of pain in her heart about this whole situation and kindness matters for her. You’re being petty and unkind. Of course she’s going to ask for individual photos of her grandchildren.

Send the photos - heck frame them first. Do everything you can to foster a good relationship with adults that care. These girls are already going to have a mother wound so anything to help prove there is love there matters.

YTA.

syric13 wrote:

YTA. What did the grandmother ever do to you? She asked for pictures of her grandchildren. Here are your options: You send the photos and not start another battle that you can't win. Or you can send the photos and not fight a grandmother who didn't do anything except be a grandmother. Why are you doing 95% of the parenting responsibilities? Why isn't their father/your spouse doing anything?

The photos of YOUR family. The photos of the kids she asked for are of HER grandchildren. There is a reason she doesn't want you and your husband in the photo because they aren't HER family anymore but the grandchildren will always be. I understand why grandma plays telephone. Because you sound very difficult and exhausting to talk to.