'AITA for not wanting to tell my MIL the gender of my unborn child?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not wanting to tell my MIL the gender of my unborn child?"

I'm a 27-year-old woman and have been married to my husband who is 28 for 2 years. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with our first child. We decided we wanted to keep the gender a surprise as it didn't matter to us and we'd be happy either way.

The issue however is my MIL. There is a slight culture divide here, I am Caucasian while she and my FIL are Chinese, my husband is their only child and was born here a few years after they immigrated.

I am the youngest of six girls (seriously have no idea how my parents didn't kill us growing up lol) and my MIL and FIL never miss a chance to talk about what a shame it is my parents never had a boy and having so many girls it's clear they're unlucky while bragging about the fact they had a son their first try.

This gets to me but i've heard it a million times before so I mostly ignore it, when we were just dating my then boyfriend now husband explained it was just a cultural point of view for them to view male children as the goal and to give him credit he always shut them down when the conversation started down that path though they always end up bringing it up another time.

Now I am pregnant she is pressuring us to tell her the gender, she was not happy when she found out we wanted it to be a secret and actually cried over us keeping such important information from her.

She insists it's important we know what the gender of the baby is, I won't lie I have a slight fear over how she'll react if it's a girl based on her comments about me and my sisters in the past. My FIL meanwhile is backing up my MIL and scolding my husband constantly for upsetting his mother like this, I know he hates upsetting them and is starting to cave from the pressure.

I really don't want to tell her until the baby is here but I feel like an AH as I know it's getting to my husband, he hasn't once complained and is always shielding me from their scolding in this but I can tell it's getting to them.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just cave and find out to tell them so they'll stop putting pressure on us and deal with the issues that could raise up later if it's a girl but I hate that i'm being pushed to this choice. AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: So my MIL and FIL came around this morning for tea (uninvited as usual of course) and began to apply their pressure again to demand the gender of the baby and I was ready to step in worried about my Husband as I know this has been a lot of pressure for him but he surprised me by snapping at them.

I've never seen him truly angry with them before the only time i've ever heard of him being truly angry is when he fought them over dating me when they didn't approve as I wasn't Chinese but I wasn't there for that conversation so this took me by surprise.

To summarize, he told them that our child's gender was none of their business and if they kept this up then any future sons we have will take my maiden name since I have no brothers to carry on the family name as they keep reminding me.

He then told them not to test him as he'll burn their family tree to the ground. I don't know who was more shocked them or me. He then told them to get out and they did leave though my FIL scolded him for being disrespectful and not putting family first. So it seems my concern was unwarranted and my husband is fine.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Jennabear82 wrote:

NTA - Polish your spine and tell them they'll find out when the baby is born and not beforehand. Don't bring it up again and tell them to leave your DH alone. Their tears are THEIR problem.

I'd flat out ask what's going to happen if they don't find out sooner? What if they find out it's a girl? Is Armageddon going to happen if they don't find out right away? I'd even tell them that their attitude towards girls makes you more inclined to keep the gender a secret.

My own mother gave me Hell bc I wouldn't tell her the gender of my daughter before my reveal. I kept telling her I wouldn't even know. She wanted my shower to be about her and her gifts. Stay strong mamma. If you and DH bend now, they'll be certain to continue overstepping boundaries. Cultural differences have nothing to do with it. Congratulations!

mymycojourney wrote:

NTA it's an outdated cultural ideal that they have, and you don't have the same feelings toward it. I'd just tell them I was having a girl (even if I didn't know), let them get everything out of their system, then when you have a boy you can all be surprised!

a_nonny_mooze wrote:

As a grandchild of someone like your MIL, I was born before ultrasounds were a normal thing, only the very rich could afford it. My paternal grandma came when I was born, made a really sarcastic comment about my lack of correct genitals when she carried me, and left.

My mom never really got over that and my relationship with my mom has been difficult since day 1. Be prepared for the nasty comments and shaming and blaming you if you have a girl. This is something you NEED to talk through with your husband as he will need to manage them, even if baby turns out to be a boy. Hugs and wishing you and bub a safe, happy pregnancy and delivery.

Muted-Appeal-823 wrote:

NTA. They are trying to wear you down to get what they want. I'm sure it's really tough, but don't give in to them. If you do this will be the pattern for the rest of your lives.

I really cannot wrap my brain around people that act like them. It's not their baby and not their decision. And if I understand correctly it's not like your withholding info, you and your husband don't even know!

Three years later, OP shared another update.

Hello everyone, three years ago I made this post about my first pregnancy on AITA relating to the fact that my Chinese MIL was pushing to know the gender of my unborn child and I felt guilt over the strain this was putting on my husband.

I am currently 19 weeks pregnant with my second child a bit of an unplanned surprise as we had planned to wait until our daughter was a little older to have a second child but it was not an unhappy surprise.

This pregnancy has caused me to reflect on my first one and I remembered my post. I went hunting for and luckily remembered my password, I doubt anyone here cares much but i'm in a reflecting mood so I thought i'd post an update three years on and if anyone wants to read it then I hope you enjoy.

Yes, my husband and I had a little girl! It has been incredible watching him grow from the amazing man I love into an amazing father and she is very clearly the greatest joy in his life. We had a long conversation not long after she was born and he actually ended up going to therapy to reconcile his feelings on his parents and his culture.

He originally did not want her to know any language but English and basically to ignore his side of the culture but he eventually realised thanks to therapy that he was robbing her of a chance to have a more diverse view on the world and that his experiences with his culture may not be hers.

Through our daughter he has gotten to see his culture through a fresh set of eyes and it's like he's discovering it himself for the first time. My MIL and FIL as you no doubt expect were not happy that we had a daughter and began to push us to try again to have a son almost immediately.

My husband and they began to clash more and more as their behaviour became ab#sive towards me and our daughter and 2 years ago we cut contact with them. We are happier for it and don't live in fear that they will drop around without warning and turn our whole day upside down.

Rereading some of the old comments on my original post makes me smile and my husband is laughing over how many of them were thirsting over him after he clashed with his parents originally. Thank you everyone, I hope you all have a wonderful day and enjoy my rambled reflection on the past three years.

The internet was glad to hear the update.

nsr444 wrote:

Congratulations. Have a great life with your family.

OP responded:

Thank you!

mangleash21 wrote:

Congratulations on being such a great team, and best wishes to you all!

common_requirement44 wrote:

I hope the four of you will be very happy. Congratulations.

redditstinktotal wrote:

Such a wholesome post. Strange to read it in this sub but nevertheless amazing!

OP responded:

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I honestly forgot about my original post for a long time until I began to reflect on my first pregnancy and how much more peaceful this one is. I figured i'd post a little update not expecting it to get much attention.

imamage_fightme wrote:

I am so happy for you, your husband and your daughter! It honestly sounds so much better for your husband's mental and emotional health to not be in contact with his parents - they were clearly causing so much turmoil and he shouldn't have to live with that.

I'm glad he has gotten therapy and been able to ignite a new love for his culture through your daughter, I'm sure that will be an amazing thing for them to bond over as time goes on. Best of luck with your pregnancy, I truly hope you and your family thrive. ❤️