"AITA for not wanting to be a SAHM anymore?"
Hi there. I need some advice on my current situation. I (25f) am a SAHM. I have 3 kids ages 6, 4, & 2. I have been a SAHM for 2 years, but I feel like it's hurting our family financially and my mental health.
During my 3rd pregnancy, I was working up until I started my last trimester. I had some complications arise; I was put on bed rest and was told this baby was my biggest yet. I told my husband I couldn't just sit around and do nothing all day, as I like to stay active. I wasn't much of a homebody.
He assured me that he would help to keep the kids busy (so I don't stress) and he could provide enough so I could have the baby and get through my recovery.
My daughter was born at 9lbs, 2oz and I had her naturally (with no epidural). I managed to heal rather quickly and tried to get back to work after she was 2 months. My job, however, was no longer an option. I called my boss to ask for a part time, and he told me to just take the time I needed with my child as she was still so young. He told me he would put me down as a "call-if-needed" employee.
So, I took the extra time to stay home with my children and get my two older kids on a new routine with the baby. Everything was working out great. I would take them to the park, out for walks, and even to my parents' house just to get out and stay active. Over the next few months, I never received a call from my job and found out they filled my position.
So, I decided to look for something that paid more as I was only getting paid the minimum of $16/hr. After stressing about not being able to find a job over a 2-month period of filling out applications, my husband tried to reassure me that he could keep up with the bills and the necessities on his own.
We talked it out and agreed that I would be the stay-at-home parent until the baby could start pre-k. That way I could be there for all of her milestones.
After my first year of staying home, I noticed I started feeling lazier and decided to try to start my own at home business. I tried making decals, selling crafts and even crocheted stuffed animals. But the only thing that really stuck was how much I love baking. I started my own baking business! I would let my kids help so they can stay busy, and it has been going great.
I've been taking orders but nothing too big as I am still a beginner. Now that the new year has started, business has been a bit slow and my husband's hours at work got reduced. We have had to cut back on a lot and no longer have a savings account. I don't like the financial situation we are in, and I can see how much it is affecting my husband.
One thing about me, is that I hate asking for help with money from anybody. I have always been an independent person and like to make my own money to help support my family. It has been getting to me mentally that I am not getting a lot of orders and we are struggling.
I have been applying for jobs left and right and still haven't heard back, but I don't think many places will hire someone who has been out of work for 2 years. My husband still wants me to stay home with the kids as he says he will "figure it out". How do I get him to understand that we need the extra money and how much it is starting to affect me mentally that I can't help?
This is what people had to say to OP:
possiblythea-hole said:
2 things here. 1.NTA and this is coming from a SAHM. 2. If you're feeling the pressure and push to work, and can mentally handle it, then go for it.
Just explain to hubby you appreciate what he wanted to try provide and all he is trying to give to you, and you wanting to work isn't an attack on his provision, but rather a way you can help support him in the ultimate future you want for your family.
40YearOldWhiteDude said:
NTA.
- You need to learn why he feels he needs to be the sole provider?
- Tell him how work stimulates in a way that being a SAHM doesn't.
- Remind him why you married him.
- Tell him what you imagine the future of your family.
- Remind him that you two are partners and you are in it for the long haul. As time goes on, it will change who works or who does based on the current situation.
PS: The first third of The Feminine Mystique lays out plainly how the 1950s housewives went nuts. The housewife was not the ideal we imagine it to be.
fred2021_22 said:
My wife could not stay at home if you paid her. She needed to be busy. Try this angle with your husband. Not only the money but how you feel
And iammisselle said:
NTA, but you need to talk it put with him. I suggest laying down the facts, your monthly commitments so he sees how bad things will be if you continue down this path, both short term and long term possibilities.
Then, agree on a timeline e.g. 6 months. If within that time he can actually ‘handle it’, then uou can go back to just doing your passion projects / side income. If this stays the same, then you can actively pursue a new full time job.
Four days later, OP shared this update:
I know that nobody asked for an update, but I figured I should do one anyway. I left my husband. It turns out he was controlling. A lot of emotions have passed in the last week for me to finally put the pieces in place.
I tried to speak up and let him know how I have been feeling lately with our financial situation. And come to my surprise, he didn't want me working or "providing" for the family because it isn't my role in the relationship.
He didn't want me to worry about our finances because I am a woman and he wanted a wife who would just be feminine and submissive. He expected me, as a woman, to stay home, cook, clean, and take care of the family.
I, again, explained how I didn't like to be a homebody and how I would still do all those things even if I was working. But he stated we needed to stick to our gender roles, and he should be the only one providing. I was mad at this point and said something that hurt his masculinity. I recently applied for food stamps and got accepted, and I used it in the conversation.
I asked him, "why do you think I needed to get the food stamps?" He replied, "Because you and the kids need to eat." To which I replied," Exactly. You are not providing enough for me and kids." He got quiet and tried to flip things by playing the blame game.
From then on, the conversation went downhill and I was being told that I was doing things wrong and expected too much from him in our relationship. I'm not sure exactly how that came into play as we were talking about money, but how could I expect too much since he wanted to be the breadwinner.
Anyway, I called my parents and asked if they still had some space available for me to move in with the kids and they told me we were always welcome. We just finished moving some things around and that's when I start getting some texts from him. He started to blame me for everything and telling me that I am not so perfect either.
I said, I've never been perfect he just expected me to sit back and not make any decisions for our family to have a better future. So instead of being "submissive" to his remarks and overthinking about my choices, I have already started typing up my resume and looking for the jobs available in my area.
I am glad I was able to get out of that relationship and hope I can provide soon for my kids. And thank you for letting me come on here to tell my story.