'AITA for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?"
I don’t know how to start this. I, (27F) have been with my fiancé (28M) for 5 years. We’ve just recently saved enough for a deposit on a house and he’s found this cottage in the middle of nowhere, two hours away from where we currently live.
The thing is, I already work an hour away. I am a nursery practitioner and I love my workplace, I’ve been there since I was 20 and I’ve worked my way up to a room lead position.
Living three hours away from my job would not be ideal, but my fiancé won’t budge on this house. He says it’s perfect, within our budget and quirky enough to fit our tastes in home style.
I’ve tried to communicate with him about this issue multiple times, bringing up the fact there’s not even any nurseries in that area that are looking for staff, and I don’t want to find another job that’s a bit further out but start from the bottom again. He says it’ll all work out if I just stop overthinking it, and I’ve been at my current job for so long that it would be nice for me to start fresh.
Another issue is that I want children, they’ve always been a huge dealbreaker for me and I don’t think it would be such a good idea to live so remotely when it comes to children as we will have to get them to/from school or nursery before and after work every day, the nearest school/nursery is a 30 minute drive away from the house he wants and we both start work fairly early and finish quite late.
It will also be an issue of their freedom as they grow up, because I think it would be horrible to have to rely on your parents for transportation all the time and have to skip out on plans if they can’t drive you. He really thinks I’m being dramatic about this and I’ll just ‘figure it out’, so AITA for not wanting to move so far away from my job and basically all civilization?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. It’s not dramatic - you’re being practical.
NTA. You two are not on the same page. You need to sort that out before you get married.
throwra_nowherehouse (OP)
I am desperately trying to sort it out. I’m considering telling him that I will end the engagement if he continues to be unreasonable and doesn’t consider my feelings on the matter.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
I wasn’t expecting to be able to update this fast, but here we are. First off I want to thank everyone that commented on my last post, and also add some context as I realized my last post may have been lacking some.
Fiancé and I have been together five years but I have known him for twelve years, and in all the time I’ve known him and especially since we got together he’s always been sweet, taken my feelings into consideration and hasn’t actively ignored my opinion like this. It’s always been a two yes, one no situation in decisions before this.
We had a good relationship otherwise, we had date nights once a fortnight, we enjoyed each others company, had aligning plans for the future and the same ideals for a relationship.
He had watched me go through a few quite bad relationships over the years before we got together and did his best to be the opposite of my exes, though he’s always been quite pushy when it comes to sexual intimacy so I guess that’s an issue.
But other than that it was great, and we had actually had a lot of talks about what we wanted in a house. We had agreed that we wanted a house or cottage either the same distance away or closer to my work, a bit more remote but still with a town or city easily accessible by public transport and car.
I’m not sure why he suddenly switched to wanting a house so far out from everything and everyone we both know. We live in the UK, and a two hour drive can have you in basically a whole other world.
Anyway, the actual update. I had annual leave from work yesterday, and my now-ex fiancé was having a WFH day, something he’s been doing more and more frequently as of late. This is another reason he is so okay with the house he wants being where it is, because he can just switch to full time work from home.
In the morning I sat down with him and tried to bring up the house. I laid out my points from my last post yet again and told him I am under no circumstances leaving my job, I love it and I do not want to search for another.
I brought up the countless other houses that fit our criteria that are in our area and closer to my work, some of which we have viewed. We haven’t viewed the place he wants yet as we haven’t had the time, and I told him I do not want to as I already know it’s not what I want.
I also asked him if he really thinks it would be okay for me to have a 6 hour round commute every day, especially considering my shift starts at 8am so I would have to leave by 5am every morning and be up by around 4am.
My shifts typically finish at 5:30pm, so I wouldn’t even be back home until 8:30pm. Would he be okay with doing all the childcare in the future, housework and just everything that needed to be done because I would not be home for any of it?
He didn’t seem to take any of it to heart, and still insisted I could find another job, maybe one not even in child care, and that’s what finally pushed me over the edge. Child care has been my dream since I was a little girl, and I managed to find an absolute dream of a workplace that I know many child care practitioners would kill to work for.
How could I possibly leave that all behind when I’ve worked so hard for it? He told me he’s set on this house, so either I accept it or I leave.
I chose leave.
I gave his ring back and told him we’re done, that he’s not being the sweet, considerate man I fell in love with and I don’t know why he can’t see my side of things in this. I do not want to live a life with somebody that doesn’t consider how I feel in all of this. This completely shocked him and he started begging me to rethink, that we can figure something out, but I refused and went to pack my things.
I’m staying with my brother and his wife now, which is nice because they live closer to my workplace (a 30 minute drive instead of an hour), and I get to spend time with my little nieces.
I am hurting, but I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I do not deserve to not have my opinion valued, and he certainly did not. I guess it’s onwards and upwards as they say, but I definitely won’t be dating for a long time after this.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Good job. Block him.
He didn't even give up. " We can figure something out" means his option is still on the table. He just wants to keep debating even after you dumped him. Man he really wants that house.
Never pull the ultimatum card if you aren't prepared for the conséquences.
Well done!
Oh damn. He thought he could strong arm you into agreeing with him. He thought you would relent because you were engaged and you'd never walk away. And then you called his bluff and he realized he didn't hold the control over you he thought. Good on you for calling his bluff and being rid of him. He would have 100% used that tactic again and again if you had stayed with him.
NTA and good job advocating for yourself!!! if current You starts to waver, which is a totally normal emotional cycle for people to go through post break up, just remember that future You will be so glad that you stood up for yourself and made space for better relationships to come.