'AITA for not wanting to commit to carnival since I can never meet my wife's expectations?'

"AITA for not wanting to commit to carnival next year after I can't seem to meet my wife's expectations each time?"

My wife (38) and I (37) have been together 5 years, married 2. We both enjoy carnival. For anyone unfamiliar, carnival in the Caribbean includes fetes (parties) and playing mas (parade), which means being on the road for hours walking, dancing, and moving with a band and large crowds.

Before meeting her, I was very deep into carnival—multiple carnivals a year, lots of fetes, fully in that life. Now I enjoy it differently. I’m more laid back than I was in my 20s, but I still genuinely enjoy being there.

Since we’ve been together, I only play mas with my wife. We have a great time at fetes. The issue seems to come specifically on the road. After almost every carnival except one, she tells me I seem disengaged or like I don’t want to be there. She says I look too serious, look around too much, or don’t seem fully present with her.

She’s pointed out other couples who seem more in the moment and mentioned times like when we were taking photos and she felt I didn’t look happy. She says it feels like I’m focused more on everything around us than sharing the moment with her

From my side, I’m genuinely fine and having a good time. Nothing is wrong. I’ve explained that sometimes I just look calm or observant, but internally I’m enjoying myself. I still acknowledge her feelings and don’t dismiss them. This time I even left my phone at home so I am in the moment.

Our very first carnival together, I did the road experience (jouvert) with my friends and she said she saw a moment where I was having the time of my life and she does not see me like that with her..

A few examples:

- One time, she suddenly stormed ahead to get food and left us behind. Later she said she did that so I could go have fun without her because she felt like that’s what I wanted, even though I never said or showed that (my truth).

- On two other occasions, she told me to go ahead and have fun and that we’d meet later. I stayed with her because I knew she didn’t really mean it. Later, she still said I looked like I didn’t want to be there with her.

- Another time, she said I looked serious and was looking around like I wanted to dance with other women but was holding myself back. From my perspective, I was just calm and present.

This has now happened 5 or 6 times across different carnivals, including Trinidad. I’ve tried to be more intentional and aware, but the outcome is the same. She leaves feeling hurt, and I leave feeling like I did something wrong even though I was genuinely enjoying myself.

At this point, I also feel more self-conscious on the road, like I’m being watched or judged, even though she’s never told me to act a specific way. Trinidad used to be my home, now it feels like I've to brace for some amount of tension after spending a couple thousands to be there.

When she brought up Trinidad next year, I told her I wasn’t ready to commit yet. I’m not trying to go without her or do carnival separately. My hesitation is because this same pattern keeps happening, and I don’t want to keep repeating something that ends with both of us feeling bad.

She feels like I’m pulling away from something we both enjoy. I feel like I’m being honest about a pattern that hasn’t improved, and I don’t know what else to change. AITA for not wanting to commit to carnival next year because of this? I did suggest we do other experiences where we thrive better.

This is what people had to say to OP:

TangerineCouch18330 said:

Ask her exactly what she expects you to do or to say or to behave like. Ask her to give an example of what she thinks you would do if you’re having a good time.

I think she’s being really nitpicky and by being nitpicky with your questioning is the only way you’re going to get at what her problem is with this. It’s really a shame because she’s ruining your experience at this festival.

OP responded:

One example she mentioned was singing with her and engaging more. I understand that’s something that makes her feel more connected in the moment. At the same time, after trying to adjust myself so many times, it’s hard for me to feel like I’m performing. I’m still genuinely enjoying it with her.

ravenonthewing said:

She sounds like a downer - wh is it all about you performing enjoyment to her standards? you don't owe being the prefect companion she has in her head - you are a person not a doll dancing on her string

OP responded:

It would have meant a lot if, in that moment, she had checked in and asked if I was okay. Instead, she pulled away and created distance between us on the road. I didn’t have an issue with it at the time, but hearing afterward how she interpreted things makes it harder for me, because it leaves me feeling like I’m being observed instead of just enjoying the moment naturally with her.

CycleAccomplished824 said:

I assume you’ve changed since your early 20s just like you were different then from how you were in your teens and childhood. Tell her you’re just being yourself and are enjoying the moment even if she doesn’t think you are. Ask her if she wants the real you or a fake version of you. I hate feeling like I have to perform like something I’m not in order for someone else to feel satisfied. That sounds exhausting!

And OP responded:

I’ll also add that I experienced carnival very differently in my 20s. I was in relationships where dancing with other women was acceptable and part of the cultural. That’s not acceptable in this relationship, and I’m not objecting to that — I understand and respect it. But it’s important to acknowledge that carnival today can’t look the same as it did for me in the past.

OP later shared this edit:

My wife explained that she did not make the experience a problem for me in real time because she understands that it is a subjective experience. Out of respect for that, she found her own way to enjoy herself and made a conscious effort not to read too much into things in the moment. She shared that she interacted normally at lunch and throughout the rest of the evening.

Clarity: We did not have any disagreement or conflict on the road. She expressed her feelings after we returned.