'AITA for not wanting to compete with my sister at my own wedding?'

"AITA for not wanting to compete with my sister at my own wedding?"

I (33f) have a sister, we’ll call Libby (36f), who has always needed to one-up me my entire life. If she can’t, she plays victim to try get attention. She has borderline personally disorder and is bipolar/manic at times. It’s always a lot. Last summer, after dating for two years, my partner Max (34m) and I got engaged!

We FaceTimed our parents and then he texted my family group chat sharing the news. Everyone congratulated us!… except Libby. Instead she announced she was dating someone. Everyone kind of ignored the comment until a few days later.

By September, we all met up in town for lunch to meet her new bf, John (37m). John seemed nice but was quiet. After a bit, my older sisters were asking details about the wedding and Libby chimes in (cutting me off) by saying “it’s okay to wear white, right??”. I just looked at her and said “Sure! If you wanna be thrown overboard.” We were planning a private ceremony on a boat on the east coast.

She laughs and then jokes that we could just have a double wedding. No one was laughing and John didn’t seem to care. So many more comments were made and my sisters had to keep asking if she was serious. We finished lunch pretty quickly and left. She texted me that she was glad I adored John (I didn’t really get to know him cause he didn’t talk) and said they’re excited about the wedding.

I told her he wasn’t invited and that I would need to think about it. I then texted her recapping all the things she said that made me uncomfortable. I ended by saying if she takes attention away from Max or I on our wedding weekend, she’s cut out of our lives.

Fast forward to the ceremony and the whole day was perfect. I married my best friend and we were in bliss. Libby & John (we did end up inviting him) tried mingling with people but no one would talk to them because they had been making rude comments about Max and I. They ended up leaving early.

That was May. Now we are hosting a big reception for all the extended family and friends in our home state where we live next month. I work in the event industry and am going all out. Cashing in favors and just ready to really party. I thought all was good until I started getting messages from extended family about telling my sister “she’s not allowed to get engaged or married til after your wedding."

I just took a screenshot of Libby & I’s convo and sent it to them. All of them apologized. I talked to Libby and she said they were lying and she never said that. Then during a family dinner, my parents asked if we were going to start a family and Max shared we were after the reception. Libby looked at John and smirked and went back to eating.

Well.. that was 3 months ago. 2 months ago she found out she may cancer so my family kinda dropped everything to focus on her. We all did. Turns out it was NOT cancer. Then she said they were trying to get pregnant. Now my family is SUPER religious. Like will not be happy or celebrate until you’re married if possible. So I figured she’d wait til she was engaged and that it was happening soon.

Well… today I found out by accident that Libby is 8 weeks pregnant and planning to secretly announce something at our reception. No one knows except like 3 people. She has taken so much from my life. I have no idea if she’s announcing her pregnancy or if they’re engaged but she will try to make it about HER. She told family she plans on using the name we’ve had picked out for 3 years if it’s a boy.

I want to just uninvite her but I’m not supposed know about the pregnancy and outside of that I don’t really have a justifiable reason that won’t make me look like the jerk. I already notified my MOH and planner (my two besties) and they wanna game plan some to avoid issues but wtf? I’m not spending all this money for a family feud at our celebration of marriage!

This is what people had to say to OP:

GoddessfromCyprus said:

If you have a family group chat, you can congratulate her now, before your party, then there's nothing to announce. If not make sure she doesn't go near the mike. If she gets angry, ignore her.

OP responded:

I typically am on offense. My husband wants at her cause he can’t stand her. She once asked my nieces and nephews to start calling John uncle and they said “we’re good”. Savage little minions. They’ve always called my husband uncle form the moment they met him. Issue is none of the like John and were hoping they’re break up.

klmolk said:

Do speeches early and thank everyone for not doing anything tacky like proposing or announcing pregnancies.

Big-Fig-2705 said:

Next time you see her or a photo of her, ask her if she’s pregnant because she’s looks pregnant.

GardenDivaESQ said:

People with BPD cannot get better if they have no consequences for their antisocial behavior. I think just don’t invite her. You’re allowed to opt out of seeing people who are obnoxious. She’s not the queen of the world. Tell her to keep her mouth shut and if not, tell her that’s it- no invites for her ever. Would you really miss going to her wedding or baby shower? Probably not. NTA.

OP responded:

She’s already made comments to my other sisters and hinted to me that IF she got pregnant or married, she wants me to plan it the events. I told her that’s funny but hard pass. I would not attend any of those. She told my family that she was proud/brave of me for getting married (I never heard her say this).

My MOH almost lost it on her when she said that and the whole wedding party wanted to throw Libby overboard. I host the family holidays so my husband and I get the say if she will be invited at least..

FelineGood8 said:

I would go on social media and congratulate them on being pregnant. Take away the pleasure of her announcing at your reception. Tell your aunt first, so you don’t blindside her & the reason why.

OP responded:

So I kind of want to call my aunt to “vent” to her about my sister. There’s been plenty of things but she’s been sending us daily texts about her “progress” and how she’s so lucky her BF doesn’t leave her cause she may have cancer. She goes back and forth saying she has cancer but the med docs she sent us say she’s in the clear.

What’s worse is that the exam report has the remarks/warnings “It is not advised or recommended to be or become pregnant at this time” and yet… here we are.

Emotional_Bonus_934 said:

I'd get up and announce her pregnancy and baby name.

OP responded:

My husband said tonight he wants to make a comment about how “we hope one day to have a little [Boys Name] or [Girls Name].” That way it’s clear those are the names we’ve always chosen. I told my sister in April the names again but we’ve joked about it for years.

She said she liked it and I told her that she can name her kid whatever she wants, but that those names are important to us and we will never change our minds. We also had this dumb thing where we all got to call, dibs on one boy name, and one girl named growing up.

My other two sisters said that this is still something that they honor. Libby wants the approval of the other two but typically never gets it so I think she may cave on the name but I’m not sure.

The reason the names are important to us: Boy = FIL Middle Name + My Dad’s Middle Name (this one is a tradition in our family for the men to all have the same middle name) Girl = My Mom/BFF/Stepmom’s Middle Name (Super common simple name but it’s all the same spelling. BFF passed in 2012 and mom passed in 2014) + MIL Middle Name