"AITA for not wanting to deal with my husband's baby mama?"
My husband, Mark (33 M) and I (30 F) have been together for a total of 10 years. We were young when we started dating he was 23 and I was 20. We went through a lot during the first 4 years, physically, financially and emotionally.
The arguments became physical on both ends and he was cheating so I decided to break things off since the relationship was becoming toxic. A couple of months after the breakup, I found out I was pregnant but I lost the baby. I was hurt by this and I shared the bad news with him. We were both hurt about this.
Even though we were broken up, we kept in contact and he was actively pursuing me during this time. He was sending gifts, apology letters, venting to family and friends on how much he wanted me back. I didn't really take him seriously and I wasn't interested in being in a relationship with him due to our past.
We were in contact with each for about a year and a half on and off. I was trying to heal from the relationship so sometimes I would just go no contact, blocking his number then sometimes I would try to talk to him to see if we could work it out.
One day I decided to randomly call him and he told me that he might have a baby on the way. He told me that it was a one night stand and a week after they hooked up, the girl (we can call her Ashley) told him that she was pregnant. He didn’t believe the baby was his due to the conception dates and his family didn't believe it either.
However, I had a gut feeling that the baby was his. He would show me the message between them and the way she was talking to him, made me believe that the baby was his. I was very vocal to him and his family that the baby was his but no one listened to me. They all tried to assured me that the baby wasn't his but I just didn't believe it.
One day he offered to take me on a trip to Hawaii where he proposed to me and I said yes, even though I wasn't 100% sure because of the whole baby thing. I didn't have any kids and he didn't have any kids when we were dating. We always thought that we would have our first child together especially with after losing the baby.
Mark and Ashley continued to speak and he expressed his concerns about the conception date and demanded a DNA test once the baby was born. He also let her know that he was engaged and was not interested in a relationship with her. She didn't take this seriously.
She really liked the and thought that they will be one happy family. Ashley would often send messages about living arrangements, like she wanted to move in with him. He would ignore her and that would make her mad, she would send paragraphs expressing her feelings.
6 months after our engagement Ashley had the baby, they did a DNA test and the baby turned out to be his. I was shocked and a little hurt that he was having his first child with a stranger.
I wasn't upset with Ashley and I didn't have a problem with the baby since we were broken up during the conception but I was sad about the whole situation. I was having a hard time accepting the person that I love has his first child with a complete stranger. I tried my best to be supportive since I had that gut feeling, but things got worse between us.
Right after I found out the baby was his, I found out that he was cheating. I broke things off with him immediately. Between the baby with a stranger and cheating I just couldn't deal with him and I didn't give him a chance to explain anything.
I blocked his number, his family members numbers, and I even blocked them from social media. I made it impossible for him to contact me. I went no contact for a whole year.
In that year I really did heal from everything, and I decided to reach out to Mark for closure. During that conversation, we decided to just be friends and we caught up on life. He told me that he still didn't want to be with Ashley despite her trying her best to be with him.
She would try to run off any girl he dated and would say slick comments about me. For example, one day she was supposed to drop the baby off at his mom's house and his mom had a family photo on the wall that I was in.
She would make comments saying "oh why does your mom have strangers on her wall", trying to refer to me as a stranger when she's the actual stranger. Remember, it was a one night stand, they talked on the phone for a couple of weeks, they met up and hooked up. After the hook up, he tried to ghost her but she said she was pregnant.
So everyone was confused as to why she kept referring to me as a stranger. After month or so of us being on speaking terms, he decided to tell Ashley that we were in contact again and she was heated, sending him paragraphs on how stupid and toxic we are. He ignored her and tried to just co-parent with her and not get into details of our friendship.
Mark has a job where he has to travel for work so his mom would watch the baby on his weekend and at this time he was out of state. Ashley found out that he was working in the same state her mom lived, so she decided to pack up and move to that state without telling anyone.
She went no contact for a few weeks then reached out to him letting him know that she moved to the state he's working in. He was upset because he was only there temporarily but he was able to find a permanent position in that state.
By this time we had be consistently talking for 4 months. I was in the process of moving and he asked me to move in with him, out of state. I was hesitant but I said yes and moved with him.
A week before I got down there, they met up so he could see the baby. She was under the impression that they would move in together and be a happy family but he told her that I was moving down and that we're going to give it another shot.
She was furious, she threatened to fight me. She also texted his mom saying crazy things about me, and even went so far as to saying that I was cruel to children. She went no contact again, this time for a few months.
I still moved in and tried to be supportive of him reaching out to her for the sake of his kid. She finally agreed to let him see the child but made it clear that she didn't want me around the child. He agreed and didn't tell her that I moved in.
I did not agree with this and I pushed him to tell her the truth. I did not feel comfortable being around the child when the mother didn't want me around. But I was also confused on why she had such animosity towards me when we hadn't met each other and I never had a problem with her or the child nor did I speak bad about them.
He finally decided to tell her the truth and set up a sit down so we can formally meet. When I met her, she was nothing like the text messages I've seen from her. She was being nice and respectful. She also let me know that she didn't like me from the negative stuff that he said about me.
Apparently when I went no contact for a year, he went on a whole smear campaign about me saying that I broke up with him because of the child, said I called the child the "b" word, and he called me every name but a child of god.
I was so shocked and taken aback by this because I never said anything negative about the child. I made it clear that was a lie. She apologized and we decided to move on from that and be cordial.
Everything was going just fine after the meeting until something happened. They got into an argument about drop off and pick up then suddenly I got dragged into it. Ashley randomly brought me up and started talking about my looks and losing the child. I have PCOS and one of the side effects is hirsutism and sometimes I would have a mild flare up.
Ashley said and I quote "you just want that fat sloppy chin haired b-word to be my child's mother and that's not going to happen. She can't have your kid and you want to give her mines".
Ashley also said "She will never be a mother, she infertile, she can never have kids and I don't want her apart of our co-parenting". I was completely shocked since I didn't have anything to do with the argument in the first place. After that, I made sure to stay out of their co-parenting stuff and only offer encouragement to work it out.
The insults would keep coming every time they would get into an agreement. So at some point, I decided to remove myself from their co-parenting situation completely. We lived 2 hours away from each other so Mark would ask me to come along for the drive.
I stopped speaking to her during drop offs and pick ups. I actually wouldn't even go just to keep some peace but it didn't work. One day the got into a huge argument and she went no contact for 6-7 months. But this time she took it to the extreme. She moved out of state and changed her phone number.
During that time of him not being able to see his child, I supported him the best way I could. I helped him get a lawyer, hired private detective, I did a background check on her to find her phone number and address.
During that background check I actually found out some interesting information about her. She's married to her oldest child father, who is incarcerated. I was really taken aback by all of the things she's doing and she was married the whole time.
Mark finally got in contact with her and found out which state she moved to. He was so excited that he decided to transfer his job and move to that state. I went with him, it was my home state so I had no problem moving back home.
They finally came to a mutual visitation agreement and it seemed like everything was going fine. After this whole ordeal, Mark decided that we should get married and I agreed. During the wedding planning, I had to go to one of the drop offs.
Now up to this time I haven't spoke to Ashley and this was pretty normal. We pull up to the meet up spot and when she sees me in the passenger seat, she hops out of her car and yanked opened the rear passenger door, where the child was sitting.
She didn't acknowledge her child but she decided to acknowledge me by saying "Hi" in a very nice nasty tone. Before I could muster up a "Hi" she tapped my shoulder very hard and said "don't you hear me speaking to you, I said hi".
It took everything in me not to explode, Mark hopped out of the car super fast to try and remove her from the door to get the child. Apparently when he moved her out of the way and walk her and the baby towards her car, she started with her normal insults about losing the child and then threatened to pull me out of the car.
Mark gets back in the car and started to immediately chastised me saying that I'm childish and I need to grow up. At that moment I made it a point to let him know that I REFUSE to speak to her and to keep us apart.
A week or so after the incident, the child was having a birthday party. I picked the place and planned most of the party. He decided to invite Ashley and her family to the party. I was fine with this but I told him that I will not be attending the party because I don't want to deal with or interact with her.
Of course he goes into a rant saying I'm childish and immature. I decided to compromise, I said I will come for a few minutes but once she arrives, I will leave. And I did just that, I made sure to stay away from her and I left the party early.
When I left, she went up to him and his family asking why did I leave and no one responded or entertained her antics. This of course got under her skin. After the party she texted me saying that she wants to speak, we talked about everything, she apologized for her actions. Now I wasn't too confident in her apology since we've already been through this before.
A few weeks pass and of course they get into an argument. She started with her insults about losing the child and that i can't have kids. She also goes no contact again. When she finally reach back out, it was close to our wedding date so he's going along with whatever she says so the child can be apart of the wedding.
For some reason she wanted to have another sit down with us and some of his family members on why she went no contact. This time she blamed me for everything, she said that they were happy before I came back and I'm the reason why they're arguing so much.
I was furious but of course I had to bite my tongue so he could get his child. Then she had the nerve to ask if she could come to our wedding. I flat out told her no and everyone was looking at me crazy.
They thought I would ruin the chance of the child being there by me telling her no but honestly at that point I didn't care. At that point I've made up my mind that I will not deal with her since I'm causing all this "trouble".
At that point I am standing ten toes down on not interacting with her, talking to her, being in the same room as her, idc. She let the child come to the wedding and we had a small beautiful wedding.
We've been married for almost a year and I've been standing in business when it comes to not interacting with the Ashley. Every time Mark brings it up, that I need to talk to her or interact with her, I say no and he goes on rants about how childish I am.
At first it didn’t bother me because I know that I'm not being childish by setting boundaries. I feel like I've given her chance after chance just for her to bring up my infertility, which really does bother me.
I've tried multiple times to explain this to him but he just keeps going on about how childish I am. Sometimes I question myself, like am I being childish? AITA for not wanting to deal with his baby mama?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Why would you marry a cheating AH?
The biggest loser in this story is you.
Taking back a cheating ex twice and baby mother drama lol.
I somehow managed to read most of that and… wow, what magical spell does this dbag have over you?? He has been nothing but awful and you continue to fall right back into his arms every time. DV, cheating, lying, knocking this woman up and pretending it’s not his, then not sticking up for you. Forget Ashley, you’ve made a huge mistake marrying Mark.
Jesus I feel sorry for this kid. All of you suck except the kid. And I cannot believe you actually married him. Which means when he cheats again, it’s going to be a whole mess. And since she’s up and moved multiple times I’m guessing there’s no formal court order in place meaning he’s not regularly paying support. Again. You, Mark and Ashley are all terrible toxic people.
I’m actually laughing at how much you don’t actually care about yourself. You pick a POS and every step of the way his POS behavior has caused negative consequences for you, now you’re a stepmom and your husband’s a liar and a cheat.
At some point probably in 10 or 15 years after the divorce because he will cheat again, you’re going to realize you’ve spent the majority of your youth chasing a POS. I hope that reckoning comes much sooner. Because all I’ve seen is you just ruined your life for over 10 years for someone who doesn’t care about you or her.