'AITA for not wanting to fund my stepkids' savings accounts?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting to fund my stepkids' savings accounts?"
My husband (48) and I (38) just had a baby a few months ago. She is my first and potentially only baby. My husband has two kids from a previous marriage (18 and 15). I came into their life 3 years ago. They primarily live with mom and custody is split 40/60. I love my stepkids, and our relationship is unique since they were 15 and 12 when I came into their life.
Some background: my husband is in public safety and I am an entrepreneur. On average I make about 3x as much as him. We have a joint checking account for household expenses that we both deposit money into (each the same amount every two weeks).
But our expenses way exceed me matching what he can contribute, so when it gets low I move money from my checking over to cover the shortage. My point here is that the majority of our life is paid for by me. He could never afford our lifestyles on his own, and he can’t afford even half of our expenses now.
Twice in our 2 year marriage he has racked up secret credit card debt. It’s broken a lot of trust and I don’t trust him to manage our money well. He says he did it because he feels guilty about not contributing as much as I do. I was pissed because we had cash to pay for things along the way, but instead he put it on credit cards I didn’t know about.
Tonight he tells me he’s opening three long term savings/investment accounts - one for each child. He wants to invest the max amount each month to each child’s account. Immediately I froze because I knew where this was going to go.
The bottom line for me is that I want my daughter to get 100% of the money I make. I don’t want to fund accounts for my stepchildren. They have a mom who can do that for them. And their dad just can’t afford it.
He can’t even afford to split our bills, so his decision to fund my stepkids accounts is really me funding their accounts. It’s an added monthly expense I will have to cover, and I don’t want to. And I want my money to go to my daughter. He never opened accounts for them before.
But now we’re married and I brought a lot of money into the marriage, and suddenly this is so important to him. It makes me feel used. AITA here? How do we navigate this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Nta. you need to speak to a lawyer asap. If you are determined to not fund his children, you may need to divorce sooner than later, before he is entitled to half what you make. his child support should have dropped when the eldest turned 18, and he should have been able to contribute more to your household.
But you need a serious convo about earnings and the kids. and you may need a post nup agreement if you have more money and want to keep all for your kid. you end up paying his secret credit cards as spouse, the debts are half yours. check his credit report and see how many other cards he has, and mention it to the lawyer.
iHateEchoChambers (OP)
Damn. I don’t want to get divorced. I love him deeply. But when this whole thing blew up tonight he threatened divorce and I can’t even believe I’m having this conversation with him.
Maybe talking to a lawyer is a good thing, if nothing else just to help us separate our money so we don’t argue about it. I love his kids, and they’re not my financial responsibility.
Probably going to have to fully separate your finances from the person you married who doesn't respect you at all. Nta, but i'm wondering what kind of conversations were had about finances concerning his kids both before you got married and once you found out you were having a child of your own....
God i hope you have a prenup. He's a liar that is already planning to siphon YOUR income for kids that aren't yours. He is not a good guy. YOU ARE BEING USED. Open your eyes and get a lawyer.
Im assuming that you are splitting based on income and your point about he cant contribute 50% is too make the point you are paying the majority of bills? If not, then split bills based on income. He contributes his percentage to the account and he can fund to the kids whatever he can afford out of whatever is left.
However, make it clear you will not be depositing a dime. Also, that if he repeatedly "cant contribute" his percentage you will have him served. He cant refuse to pay his share to fund the kids. Thats just a backdoor way of you funding his kids.
A few hours later, the OP returned with an update.
***UPDATE: lots of good advice on here.
I just wrote this letter. I hope it helps.
Hi,
I want our marriage to work. I really do. Our daughter deserves to grow up in a loving and peaceful home.
We need a financial plan. The way we are managing money and splitting bills is not working. I do not feel safe with the way finances are being handled now. I feel taken advantage of, and whether it is hard to admit or not, your secret credit card debt (that’s happened twice now) has made it hard to believe you have our family’s best interest in mind.
We need to do something different if we want a different result.
Here’s what I propose, and am eager to get your thoughts about:
*** Because of our income disparity, we need a new approach to paying shared household bills and funding our retirement. Right now going 50/50 isn’t working because we run out of money in our shared account because our bills exceed the $1500 we each put in every two weeks.
So I transfer money out of my checking to cover the shortage. So it’s not truly 50/50. This makes me feel like an ATM, which I don’t believe is your intention.
One option is to increase the amount we both put in every two weeks. Or, I’ve done some reading and it’s suggested that couples in our situation do a percentage split of their income. So if I make 60% of our combined total income I pay 60% of the mortgage.
If you make 40% then you pay 40% of the mortgage. After we pay all our bills we can each spend the remainder on whatever we want. You can invest in the kids savings accounts, pay child support, buy tools, whatever. Same for me. This may be a better approach. What do you think?
I love (stepson) and (stepdaughter) very much. I’ve done a lot to support them over the years, both financially and otherwise. And, I am not their parent. They have two parents who are perfectly capable of caring for them.
I am not financially responsible for them and I will not be personally putting money into any accounts for them. You and I are financially responsible for (our daughter) and the household we have. You and (ex-wife) are responsible for (stepdaughter) and (stepson).
Because finances have been a continued source of conflict, I think a postnuptial agreement will really help us put some things to bed. We can clearly divide assets, debts, etc. This agreement will bring clarity on what belongs to who and what financial responsibilities we share.
This is also smart since I own a family business, and postnuptial agreements also address what would happen to my business in the event of my death. My hope is that this agreement brings peace and clarity to this part of our relationship so we can get back to the parts of our relationship that are good.
The way it works is that one of us has an attorney draw up the postnup, and then the other person has their lawyer review it and make sure it’s fair for both parties. Once we agree then we sign. I don’t mind finding the lawyer to draft it since it will cost more on that end. I have sent inquiries out to two firms and will let you know when I hear back.
The bottom line is this: I love you. I’m tired of money being a source of pain in our relationship. I don’t want to argue anymore. I want the best for us. I think our marriage has the potential to be great if we put in the work. I believe these budgeting changes and gaining clarity about finances will only serve to help us.
I hope to hear your thoughts soon so we can partner together on this.
Love, OP
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?