'AITA for not wanting to go to my BFF’s wedding because her fiancé cannot provide for her or their baby?'
"AITA for not wanting to go to my BFF’s wedding because her fiancé cannot provide for her or their baby?"
This is so long and I am so sorry in advance. I (31F) and my best friend (30F) have been friends for over 7 years. For context, we used to date when we first met (early 20s), but we soon realized we were better off as friends, and have been BFF’s for six years atp, with no romantic mishaps since breaking up.
Now on to this dumpster fire of an engagement. My bff (call her Jasmine) met her now fiancé (31M) (call him Paul) roughly 3 years ago. From the moment she described this guy, I knew he was not suitable to be dating.
He still lived with his mother in a different state, has never lived on his own, paid any of his own bills, or had to learn how to take care of himself, let alone another person. Jasmin however, has always had a good job, bought her own house at 24 years old, and was overall very financial responsible.
In the beginning things were fine between them, he was buying her gifts, paying for trips, and they were enjoying each other’s company. Pretty easy to splurge on someone when you don’t have other financial responsibilities, but I digress.
About 6 mos into their relationship, Jasmine decides to let Paul move in with her. I quite literally said, “that’s a terrible idea,” but I digress again. Paul up and leaves his mother’s house, packs the little belongings he owned, and moved in with my bff.
Their original plan was for him to stay there only long enough to get himself stable and set up. Why would an adult move to another state without first securing a stable job? Idk.
A couple of months in to living together, the cracks in their plan started to reveal themselves. Jasmine found herself, paying for all household expenses, helping him redo his resume, and burning out pretty quickly just to help him and now herself stay afloat.
About a year into the relationship, Jasmine is constantly complaining to me and our other friend about how unhappy she is in the relationship. One week before her birthday, our friend group went out for K-BBQ, and before we went inside, she sat in the back of my car for over an hour sobbing about her relationship and how she wants to break up with Paul.
We consoled and encouraged her, and thought that was it. Fast forward to her birthday, Jasmine threw this extravagant Bridgerton themed birthday party, that her and her mother paid for.
By the time night came, I and everyone there was in the middle of a surprise engagement, where Paul gets down and one knee and proposes to Jasmine. She had NO clue this was happening. I immediately thought it was weird that he chose this event, one where he didn’t contribute at all, to propose to her.
It felt…inappropriate to say the least. Jasmine says yes, despite less than a week prior telling me and all of her friends that she was going to break up with this man. 2 months after the engagement, Jasmine announces that she is pregnant. I was immediately disappointed, but eff it, not my circus, not my monkey.
Months into her pregnancy she starts revealing issues in their relationship such as, he didn’t help with bills for months so he could afford the engagement ring, he can’t keep/find a job, and to add insult to injury, he‘s a mommas boy with an extremely overbearing mother, to name a few things.
Throughout the 9 mos, Jasmine fantasized about being a single mother (I mean this literally), was taking care of everything, working like a dog to support them, and even bought Paul a car, since his old car stopped running and he didn’t have the money to fix it. I will note — that I paid for and planned her entire baby shower, to help take the load off of their family. At the time I was happy to do it.
Finally the baby arrives, and things only go downhill from there. Their relationship issues and bills are piling up, Paul STILL doesn’t have a stable job — he is working as a bartender, but mostly stays home with the baby, because they can’t afford childcare.
By this point, I am frustrated with Jasmine, giving her constructive criticism, but for the most part I am still being quite supportive. Then, the straw that broke the camel’s back happened. The winter comes and Jasmine’s heat pump for her home gives out.
Since Jasmine has spent the last year taking care of this man child, her funds are limited and she cannot afford to fix the heat pump at the moment. Obviously, he cannot either. So what do they do? They sit in that house with the temp of house getting down to the low to high 50s, with a NEW BORN baby.
She asks Paul if he can take out a loan to replace the heat pump, but because he has no credit, he was not approved for a loan. She decides to take out the loan in her name, but Paul promises that he will make the payments on the loan. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell you all that Paul has in fact, not been able to afford those payments, and the payments have fallen onto Jasmine.
So March arrives, and what does the lovely couple do next? They tell everyone (bridal party) that they will be getting married in November (8 months notice) in Costa Rica…LMAO (sorry I am laughing typing this out because it’s so ridiculous). Jasmine also announces that the bachelorette will be in Las Vegas in September (LOL).
Jasmine has also had to ask her sister-in-law to pay for her wedding dress, her mom to put the down payment down for the wedding, picked a $500 bridesmaids dress for us to wear, she also expected all of us to pay for her for everything for the bachelorette as well, and Paul still doesn’t have a stable job.
They are doing so poorly, that they can’t even afford to keep their baby with them, and are sending the baby to stay with the MIL for 2 months at a time in a different state — the baby is less than 18 mos.
As time goes on, I keep finding out more and more ridiculous things — Jasmine took out a 10k personal loan to help pay for living and wedding expenses. I think the most disturbing part is that none of that money is going towards childcare. Most of it is going towards the wedding.
Now, onto the moment I decided I didn’t want to support this wedding. This entire time, I thought I was the only friend giving pushback to Jasmine about this marriage and encouraging her to think very hard about this decision.
During her Bachelorette (which was literally the girl version of Hangover) one-by-one, in the midst of chaos, everyone starts revealing that they also don’t support this marriage nor do they think Paul is a suitable partner for Jasmine.
This pissed me off lowkey, because why is everyone just now saying it? Why are we even here in vegas right now? So many questions. Anyway — we all decide to sit her down on the last day and ask her (as her closest friends and bridesmaids) if she’s sure this is what she wants to do.
Well, she sat there for over an hour gaslighting us about how Paul is her safe place (LOL), how she “lovesss” to work, and how we are wrong for bringing this up to her. Now, she may have been right, but I thought it was appropriate, because what’s a better time than at your bachelorette?
Also, we all have really busy lives and some of us live in different states, so dik another time we would. have been able to sit her down to do this. Her response to us making sure she was okay, rubbed me the wrong way so badly, that not only am I considering not going to the wedding, but I am also considering ending the friendship.
So, AITA for not wanting to support his union? Pleaseee please help me. I’m okay if you all call me out, I just want unbiased opinions. I can provide more context if necessary.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
If you spend a penny on anything towards this wedding, you're an idiot.
Ew...to all of it. NTA.
Do not rubber stamp this wedding. Prepare to lose a friend until this relationship ends with him. Be there to pick up the pieces and help her move on when you get that call. She enables her partners poor behavior because ya'll enable her poor behavior.
Should you go and support her, she will continue to play on your emotions. The merry go round will not stop. Why put your mental health through that. Let her know that she should get some therapy, wish her well, and let her know the door is always open when she is ready for a healthy friendship. Who sends a newborn to another state for months at a time?
Honestly sounds like a her problem. Doesn’t matter what’s going on, none of your business. Just be there for her instead of criticizing her. Eventually if things fall apart, don’t be the “I told ya so” friend. Just be there to support her.
Idk that your an AH, but you have to decide if you’re willing to give up your friendship for your decision not to support her wedding. She’s going to need you when this inevitably goes south and you have to decide if you want to be there or for her to have ended your friendship.