'AITA for not wanting to hide that my moms are gay to my girlfriend’s parents?' UPDATED

"AITA for not wanting to hide that my moms are gay to my girlfriend’s parents?"

I’m 17 and started going out with my girlfriend 7 months ago. We were already chatting before school went online and I asked her out after. So her parents wants to meet mine when it’s safe to do that and have dinner at their house. I’m cool with that and my moms are too.

But my girlfriend told me that her parents don’t know I have two moms and she don’t want them. She said they’re not raging homophobes, but it will make them feel weird and uncomfortable. So she asked if only one of my moms could go.

Idk I just don’t see why I gotta lie. If we stayed together obviously they will find out and also that would be mean to ask my moms if one of them not go. I never been embarrassed about it or weird so don’t see why it even matters.

My girlfriend has been pissed at me ever since and she just tells me to do it so it’s not uncomfortable for her parents. Even my friends are saying it’s not a big deal and it’s not like I’ll get grounded for asking my moms to do this. I’m caught in the middle here cause I don’t wanna lie about my moms or exclude one of them but everyone is acting like I’m being TA for not doing this thing.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

kdsexologist wrote:

NTA and I think you should consider whether this girl really values you if she wants you to hide your family. She's concerned about how her parents would feel, but she doesn't seem to mind hurting yours. Your parents may not ground you for asking, but they are likely to be hurt. It doesn't sound like that's something you want.

Mossytoad wrote:

Hi, fellow child of two moms here! I had a similar experience with my first boyfriend. His parents were very religious and I had to lie about my family. It’s something that I still feel stupid/ guilty about to this day bc (as you may guess) that relationship didn’t work out! After that relationship I decided to not get involved with people who didn’t have the same mindset and values about gay couples and their families.

You also need to consider how your mom will feel if she has to meet these people in person and actively hide who she is and her relationship. The relationship with your gf is never going to be able to progress if you have to hide your family from her parents, and the fact that your girlfriend is mad at you over it should make you stop and reconsider the relationship even more.

Hard NTA, you should never have to hide your family and your gf and friends are huge AHs for making you think any differently. I’m sorry that your gf has put you in this position, and please feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk!

OP responded:

No I don’t wanna ever hurt their feelings like that. They’ve already gone through their own stuff already. Yeah got some stuff to think on. Thanks :)

bitternerdette wrote:

NTA. The embarrassment your gf is fearing now will be 1000% more when they find out you lied about it. From her parent side, you lied about something major, and arent now trustworthy.

From your parents side, annoyance to the gf about her wanting you to lie. From her parents, anger that your gf pulled this s**t. From your parents, sadness because you went along with it, they'll be asking if you are ashamed of them. That's a whole bunch of crazy that can be avoided.

happylittleclouds4 wrote:

Oh hey, it’s my time to shine! I am an 80’s baby who had two Moms growing up (and I still do, although I am not currently growing up just growing old). Having two moms back in the day was super unusual, odd, irregular and some might have even said extremely weird.

I was terrified of people finding out and treating me differently. Obviously, when I was little, I had less of an idea that my family made some other families really uncomfortable, so my friends & classmates from young childhood knew about my moms.

By middle school though, I would go to great pains to conceal the truth- even so far as lying, begging my parents to lie, and not inviting them to functions where I thought people would see them together. Suffice to say I have great guilt over this, and even though it was a different time in our culture it was still cruel to treat my parents like they were ruining my life.

I learned the hard way that if you’re getting red flags that someone might not be accepting of your family, it’s for good reason. I’m grateful that I have my amazing parents in my life, and equally grateful that I no longer accept anyone who finds them “weird” or has a single mean word to say about my family unit. Don’t allow anyone in your life who you can’t be yourself around- period. NTA.

OP responded:

Thanx for this. Sorry for having to deal with that crap. I know my moms did too so that’s why I don’t wanna add more for them. Idk what to do tbh so have some more thinking to do and maybe talk to my gf again once she’s done being mad. I’m not gonna lie about my moms.

oreganoca wrote:

NTA. Bring both your moms. If her parents have a problem with it, that's their problem. Your girlfriend should give them a heads up and let them know she expects them to behave appropriately, and you should be prepared to get up and leave if they decide it is appropriate to direct homophobic comments towards your moms.

After receiving lots of feedback, OP jumped back on with an update:

So we broke up yesterday since it had already been days of us not talking. I listened to your comments and decided to ask how would she feel if I told her only one of her parents could go cause my moms are uncomfortable around heterosexual couples. She basically laughed and said it’s not the same thing because that’s a “normal couple."

That kinda got me and I asked what’s not normal about my moms. Think that’s when she saw she messed up with what she said. She said she didn’t mean it like that and just knows it would be awkward and weird because her parents don’t like that. Then I asked her if she would feel like that too. And she didn’t say anything.

We talked for a while, and she still wasn’t getting how this would hurt my moms asking them to hide who they are. Then it got to where she admitted it would also be embarrassing for her parents would know I have two moms. And yeah I wasn’t gonna take that and told her we’re done. Not gonna be with someone who’s embarrassed about my moms or doesn’t want others to know. That was it.

My friends haven’t said anything to me yet but think I’m just gonna block them out cause I don’t wanna deal with their shit rn. I know I said in my comments I was thinking abut asking my moms for advice but since we’re broke up I’m not gonna tell them why. I only told my moms it wasn’t working out with her so we’re done.

They don't need to why cause I don’t want them to feel is their fault and they really liked my girlfriend. This would hurt their feelings knowing she was feeling that way. It's not my first break up but it still really sucks and I’m feeling sad. It is what it is though. Thanks for everyone’s help and for telling me ur own experiences.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

getheran-uber wrote:

*Stands and claps*

As a parent, if my kid came to me and told me this, I would first feel hurt but I'd quickly get over that and feel so damn proud that my kid stood up for himself, his beliefs, and his parents. So just know this r**dit-mom is very proud of you.

[deleted] wrote:

"I don’t want them to feel is their fault." I don't think you need to worry about that. And yeah, they probably would be disappointed in her (although I suspect they'll be more inclined to blame the sources she picked up that attitude from), but it might save you from well-meaning attempts on their part to try and fix things.

Your call, though: I think they'd be very proud of the way you've handled this if they knew the full story, and I'm sure there are better relationships ahead for you.

OP responded:

One of my moms has a habit of still feeling bad over this kind of stuff. Like once in middle school some kids did say stuff to me and she stopped going to my school events for a while so other kids wouldn’t make fun of me. We had to convince her to go cause I wanted her there. I just don’t want them feeling bad.

vamn411gamer wrote:

I think it is so incredibly thoughtful to think of his parents like that, but I agree he probably doesn't need to worry about his mothers' feelings when it comes to issues like these. I'm sure they've had their fair share of disappointments throughout the years. It is disgusting and unfortunate that is probably the case, but it's the state of the world nonetheless.

OP responded:

Yeah exactly, that’s why I’m just thinking why add more, you know?

Brylla wrote:

If you were my kid, I'd be super proud and touched. Breakups suck, but the long-term prospects for this relationship were dismal. You did the right thing. Good for you.