"AITA for not wanting to lend out my dress to a stranger?"
I (29F) preordered a summer dress in Jan/Feb from an independent designer (20ish-F) online in another country. She accepted around 20 orders at that time and welcomed my minor alternation for the design.
I paid in full upfront. It was expected to be done around August as mine had more deviation from the original. So in my head, it is more of custom design. I asked for update in August and she said it will be ready in 2 weeks (ie around September).
I had no issue with the delay since I knew it was handmade slowly. Afterward, I saw her posted my dress in sept. (I can recognise from the colour and the design) but no update on shipment. I thought maybe it wasn’t ready.
Then today 7-oct she post a video of her being interviewed and put my dress on someone else for photographing. I emailed her about the dress and she told me it was ready but she decided for it to be featured in the interview before posting to me. I am quite upset about the lack of consent.
My thought is it is her creation / design as much as it is my property. It is not some dress on the rack in H&M. I paid for it in full before it was even made. I didn’t pay to dress someone else up.
I paid to wear it myself. Why would I share wardrobe with strangers? If it was a friend/family I would have no problem sharing. But I do not know the interviewer (who wore the dress).
I do not benefit from this at all. The only thing I got is delay. The lack of consent made me feel uncomfortable and disrespected as someone who supported her with actual money and actions. The risk of someone else staining / damaging the dress is small but does exist.
Do you think I own the dress? Am I the AH who think just because I paid I owned it all? Or do I only own it after it is shipped? Do I process the right to say no if she’d ask beforehand? What are you thoughts?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Once you paid in full for a made-to-order item, that specific dress stopped being her property. It’s not like borrowing a sample off a rack; it was a commissioned piece. She absolutely should’ve asked before putting it on someone else, even for marketing.
Yep! It is now considered a used dress. Should be discounted if anything.
This. I've worked with countless of fashion brands and they would never consider a item that has been used on-set as new. OP should should be getting a major discount for having her dress used as part of a promotional campaign (and an apology for the delay) and the seller should have asked OP for permission first.
You paid for a new dress, this dress has been used and the appointed delivery time delayed without any good reasons, there is enough to go by to cancel the entire purchase. NTA.
Honestly, I think I’d be okay with it if it wasn’t already two months past the promised date. Like I get you gotta advertise your work and you have todo that with someones clothes but she made you wait even longer for a dress you were supposed to have in summer while it’s well into fall because she decided to use your dress without permission. NTA.
NTA I used to work in the bridal industry and the clamps/pins used to make a dress not made for your body fit perfectly for photos and the likes can often damage the material. Not to mention, putting it on someone else risks all kinds of things, rips, tears, stains, body odour/perspiration, carelessness by the model etc.
A sample dress should have been used (most designers have a sample of each dress to use specifically for marketing), especially since you specifically customized your order.
She should have used a standard size dress for the interview that she could have sold later at a discount should anything happen and packed yours to send as soon as it was ready, especially since there was already a delay. To me this feels a little unprofessional, especially with the risks involved.
Spirited_Cricket635 (OP)
Actually I thought about this exactly. Because if it was someone’s custom made wedding dress, I would not think it is in anyway acceptable other than the bride to wear and showcase it first. And make up / other stuffs do stain dresses.
NTA. If the designer wanted to show off the dress she made, she should have used a mannequin.
NTA. The dress was paid in full. It was YOURS, just not in your possession. She should have asked your permission.
You’re definitely not the AH, your reaction makes total sense. You paid in full for what was basically a custom piece, not a sample or loaner. Once she accepted your payment, that dress was ethically yours, even if she still had it in hand.
Using it for a public interview or photoshoot without asking you first really crosses a professional boundary. It’s not about the delay, it’s about consent and communication, which are the basics in client–artist relationships.
You’re absolutely justified in being upset. A polite but firm message like, “I understand you wanted to feature your work, but this piece was a custom order I paid for in full. I would have appreciated being asked before it was used for promotion. Please let me know when it will be shipped,” would be perfectly reasonable.
I would just say to her that you're sure she will have the dress cleaned before sending it to you, since someone else wore it. But my bigger concern, and what is really lousy on her part, is that she keeps delaying the shipment, and did so, so that she could include it in a photo shoot-- and without notifying you!!!
That's ridiculous. You say she is a new designer. Clearly doesn't get how things work. AFTER you receive the dress, I would include that in the review.
NTA - I don't like the idea it touched someone else's skin, their underarms. It was custom made for you. It's not like buying retail to where you don't know who might have tried it on.
NTA, you asked for a modification to the original piece, thus making it one of a kind. Her now showcasing the alteration on another person and in the media, creates the opinion that this specific dress(with the alteration) is available for purchase and her creation. Which is not true as you asked for a change to be made, thus changing her original design.
She accepted your payment for the custom dress with the alteration, that means this is no longer her original design as you had it changed. Her showcasing it is creating a false narrative of her work. I would also be upset as you wanted a custom one of kind piece and she now opened up to making more of this dress by marketing it as her creation.