'AITA for not wanting to lower my daughter’s standard of living for her stepsister?'
"AITA for not wanting to lower my daughter’s standard of living for her stepsister?"
Me and my ex wife divorced around 5 years ago when she came out as lesbian. We are still really good friends, and we are both confused about what to do here. Around 2 years ago she got married to Linda, and her daughter Mia (12F).
My daughter Anne is currently 17 years old. I have worked hard for the career and income I have, and I am not ashamed to want Anne to enjoy it. As such, I give her a relatively large allowance. Anne grew up volunteering at our local shelter with me and her mom weekly, so she isn’t spoiled at all.
Anne and Mia were really close at first, but recently Mia has been acting out about the lifestyle disparities between Anne and the rest of my ex wife’s household, like how unfair it is that Anne gets to order food for delivery whenever she wants and how she has fancier electronics and clothes than what my ex and Linda can afford for her (her biological father has passed).
It has gotten to the point that it has started to affect her relationship with Anne. Last week was the last straw, when she said “I wish my dad was alive so I would have the same stuff Anne has”. My ex wife scheduled a meeting with me to talk about things.
We pretty much seem to be on the same page since we both have no idea what to do. We are not comfortable with lowering Anne’s allowance, since we’re worried it would make her resent Mia.
Nor are we comfortable with prohibiting her from using her allowance at her mother’s place, since it might alienate her from her mother’s household and make her not want to be there.
My understanding is that Anne offers to share things she buys (makeup, food, clothes) with Mia sometimes but not all the time, but I don’t feel comfortable enforcing a sharing rule either, since my therapist advised me that it usually breeds resentment.
However, Linda has been very upset with both me and my ex wife, since it’s causing a lot of disturbance with Mia and a lot of big feelings and “if my dad was alive” kind of stuff, and it’s genuinely harming her mental health.
Linda acknowledges that it is an unfair ask, but she asked me if I could have a talk with Anne about maybe saving more of her allowance to not spend so much in front of Mia, for the sake of creating a healthier and more harmonious household.
I told her I understand where she is coming from, but I don’t feel comfortable controlling how my daughter spends money that I give her to spend as she pleases. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Imaginary-Yak-6487
NTA. 5 years is a big age difference between the girls. Mom of the 12 year old needs to have a conversation with her. It’s not fair that the 17 year old has to hold back for a 12 year old. She’s older & has more privileges.
perpetuallyxhausted
And if its affecting the 12 year old's mental health and maybe she's regressing in her grieving for her dad, then she needs to be in therapy. The 17 year old isn't responsible for her mental health and shouldn't be made to feel she is.
aenflex
I don’t think anyone’s an A-hole here. This is a learning opportunity for both of the daughters. I would be honest with Anne, I would explain to her that Mia is struggling and why, and see what Anne wants to do about it.
Of course Mia is going to see the differences, and of course it’s going to be painful. Imagine if your step-sibling had so much more than you, and it was regularly being rubbed in your face? For a 12 year old, that’s a lot. Especially for a 12 year old whose father has died.
But also, life is life and kids can’t always get what they want. So someone needs to sit down with Mia and talk to her about that, too. Not everyone can and will have the same things.
sandpaper_fig
NTA. I don't think it's up to you to discuss this with Anne. What goes on on your ex's house is not your concern. If her mother doesn't want her to spend it at her house, then it's up to her mother to ask that of her.
I understand that Mia feels left out, but a 17 year old would generally get better electronics and more money even if they had the same father. This should be a learning opportunity for both girls about what's age appropriate and about empathy.
However, those lessons should come from their mothers as it's their household that is being affected. You sound like you're coparenting really well, but this is not your responsibility.
GoingNutCracken
There is five years difference between Anne and Mia. How is that not part of the discussion?
Remarkable_Buyer4625
NTA - Stand your ground. Linda is trying to avoid being a parent. Time for her to step up.
chelsea5532
NTA Sounds like a Mia and Linda issue. The way you and ex wife decided to co-parent and raise Anne is entirely your decision. Linda needs to address Mia’s issues with her. It would be unfair to punish Anne for Mia’s expectations.
Cursd818
NTA. Tell your ex-wife that you will not punish your daughter because her wife is being an AH. That is what Linda is demanding - that Anne make herself smaller because Linda refuses to properly parent Mia. And it's unacceptable.
Your ex should be ashamed of herself for not shutting down Linda's BS at once. Bringing it to you is foul. There is absolutely a right thing to do, and it's for Linda to teach Mia that life isn't always fair.
Mia's focus on material things is a product of Linda's parenting, and it's up to Linda to teach her daughter how to regulate her emotions instead of bullying the world into pandering to her daughters demands.
If your ex doesn't step up to protect her child from Linda and her unreasonable demands, she should expect that Anne will not want to spend as much time in her house. Because she's choosing her wife and stepdaughters tantrum over her daughter.