'AITA for not wanting to meet or get to know my birth family after they tracked me down?'

"AITA for not wanting to meet or get to know my birth family after they tracked me down and reached out?"

I (29M) was adopted as an infant by my parents. They already had my older brother who was 3 at the time. They adopted my sister 3 years after they adopted me. I was raised in a loving, happy home. We were all treated the same and my brother (their bio son) was not favored or treated any different for being blood. None of us were lied to about the circumstances of our family.

My parents were open about adopting my sister and me. They never tried to demonize our birth families either. They knew practically nothing about our birth families but they still spoke of them kindly and compassionately.

Maybe it's just in my nature or maybe it's because I had such a good life but I never wondered about my birth family. No part of me ever considered trying to find them or have a relationship. I was just happy as I was/am. My life is good. I have a wonderful wife, two great kids, amazing parents and siblings and siblings in-law and grandparents. For me there's nothing missing.

That's why it took me a while to respond 6 months ago when I was contacted by people saying they were my birth parents (and it was confirmed true) telling me their story and wanting to connect with me. They broke up for 5 years after I was born and then they got back together and had more kids and only had an interest in me for the last two.

Before that they never thought about me. Their kids wanted to know me. Their kids reaaaaally wanted to know me. I have received more than two dozen messages from their kids since my birth parents reached out.

It took a while (11 weeks or so) for me to reply and state I had a great life but did not wish to connect with them so please leave me be. Then I blocked the accounts and made my socials private. About three weeks later I received an email telling me they did not think it was fair and that I should at least meet the kids.

I didn't respond and two months after the first email I got another one stating they had family medical history they would share with me only if I agreed to meet them and let them spend some time getting to know me. This was followed up by an email from their children saying I should really consider why I don't want to meet my real family and why I'm so loyal to parents who bought me.

Some info given to me by my birth family around my adoption for those who might need any extra info. My birth parents were 16 when I was born. They put me up for adoption via an agency but did not meet or choose my parents. The choice was given to the woman at the agency who set it all up for them.

They didn't leave any letter or family medical history to be passed onto me and never collected a letter my parents wrote to them when they adopted me. They have zero interest in ever reading that letter. Their kids are all mostly adults and found out about me through other birth family members and not my birth parents. Their kids wanted to meet me as soon as they found out about me.

They found me through some PI online and I don't know how much contact info they have on me. They never mentioned his name but I wish he had reached out to me first so I could've said no because now I have no idea what ways they could realistically reach me on. They don't know I'm married or have children it seems. So that's a positive.

My family supports my decision regardless of which way I decide but I have had some backlash from some fellow adoptees I know who say they would love what's being offered to me and they think it's selfish for me to deny them the chance to get to know me and to deny my kids blood relatives.

So this has made me ask if I'm wrong. I don't feel like I am when I ask myself the question but I don't know. I can accept I never gave these people a chance and it's because I don't feel I should have to. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Unlikely_Offer_5461 said:

NTA, you don’t owe them anything. If you don’t wish to have a relationship with the bio parents or siblings, it’s OKAY. They had a choice and now you do. It is fair. Good to hear you were brought up in a loving home , they have raised you to be a secure adult. Good luck!

Timely_Proposal_1821 said:

So, they don't take no for an answer, they try to guilt trip you saying it's unfair, they want to cast shade on your parents (saying they bought you) and then they imply there may be a medical issue that they will only disclose to you if you do what they want...

Wow, who wouldn't want to get to know them? NTA - I'd never read or respond to any of them again.

SuspiciousDark2197 said:

This is a hard situation to deal with but you're NTA. My wife is adopted and we've had this talk several times and she has no interest in previous family appearing. To her the mom and dad who brought her into their life are her mom and dad and that's her life and that's how she wants it and I support that.

IntrovertSuperHero said:

It seems your birth family is showing you that they don’t comprehend basic boundaries. That’s a red flag. It’s ok to make initial contact but after being told there is no interest, that should’ve been respected without question or pushback.

The only thing they should’ve said was “we understand and are here should you change your mind” that it! The constant avenues of contact is alarming. You may need to get some form of legal “don’t contact me” order in place should this continue

Cheesychocolate6866 said:

NTA. It sounds like they are a manipulative bunch. I mean, they basically try to “blackmail” you by insinuating there’s medical info you need to know but will only tell you if you meet with them. They’re showing you who they are without you ever meeting them. This is not a family I would want to know.

Realistic-Knee-5602 said:

NTA, you had no say in it if you are adopted out, now they don’t get a say in it if you want contact or not. At 16 they would not have been in a state of mind to deal with a child or understand what their decision means, but not to collect a letter says it all. If you connect, prepare to be seen as their ATM, because you “had it all”.

I would answer one email and tell them you have absolutely no interest in them and stop contacting me. Then tell them that a DNA analysis does give you a much better result for genetic deceases and that you are not interested in their little blackmail scheme.

Then categorise their email address as spam and if they try again another way tell them that’s harassment and you will ensue that it stops.

OP responded:

I thought so too. When they mentioned the letter I couldn't believe they would be so forward in dismissing it. If they cared at all they would have wanted to know the people chosen were decent people. For all their years of no interest their change of heart could have made them wonder at least. They also would have had a more direct link to me because my parents names were in that letter.

The fact they didn't feel any regret or think of me again until two years ago also says so much. They didn't feel regret or wish to know me when they had their children together and raised them. They didn't even tell their kids I existed it was their relatives who did. But now I'm supposed to come running.

Sugar_Mama76 said:

NTA. If you’re not missing anything or feel like you need to have them in your life, then you’re not required to. Them saying there’s critical medical information and using it to blackmail you for time says you’re dealing with manipulative people.

And they’ve only recently wanted to get to know you? I’m going with someone needs a kidney or they’ve decided you’re the new family ATM. You have a family. You’re happy. Their wants and needs aren’t important.

OP responded:

My birth parents only became interested two years ago. Their kids were interested before that but were too young to look and/or didn't have the money for a PI and since my birth parents never accepted or read the letter then they had nothing to go on.