'AITA for not wanting to move in with my BF as he's never offered to help with bills?' UPDATED

"AITA for being nervous to move into a house with my BF after he stayed with me 6 days a week for 5 months and never offered to help with bills?"

I (42f) have been with my boyfriend (37m) for 11 months. He is great in every aspect of being a supportive and honest partner. Long story short, he lives with his mother. After him and his ex broke up he said he moved in with his mother so save on rent because it’s stupid expensive.

I get that. I pay $1650 a month for rent alone, before electric and gas. It is expensive to rent but I have never had the luxury of having parents I could move in with, so have only had myself to rely on.

Honestly him not having his own place was a bit of a turn off for me but after getting to know him I was able to look past it. Fast forward to a few months into our relationship. He started staying at my house a few nights a week.

The last five months he has been staying at my house every single weeknight and a couple weekends a month. This is not a hey spend the night thing either, it just slowly developed into this.

My hours at my job were cut drastically about four months ago, making paying my rent very difficult. I made it happen but it has been HARD. I can’t help but have a small amount of resentment towards him for basically living at my house the last five months rent free while watching me struggle to keep my electricity on and my rent paid.

I finally had enough and realized it is my fault for 1, assuming he would do what I felt was right and offer to contribute without me asking him to, 2, allowing him to stay here that much without establishing that he should pay towards the home I pay for.

I finally mentioned being upset about him not helping out and expressed that I don’t feel comfortable being in a relationship where a partner is ok with watching me fight to keep a home over my head while also living here and not helping out and it makes me hesitant to move into a place together where we will split bills.

I recently accepted a job in another city and he wants us to get a place together there but I am nervous I will end up carrying the weight due to him not helping me when he wasn’t obligated to but still took advantage of living here rent free.

I’m very conflicted because i understand it is my fault for not speaking up months ago and instead hoping he would do what I felt was fair and offer to help pay bills here since he stayed here 6 nights a week and now feel maybe I’m being unfair to him because of it now that he has the opportunity to sign a lease with me and split things 50/50. Is it wrong of me to feel nervous about signing a lease with him?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Terrible_Middle_6001 said:

Run

GraniteRose067 said:

It's too early, he's already proven that he will take advantage of you and I doubt that he will be willing to share household duties appropriately either. Why are you with him when he is acting like a bloodsucker? Find a few flatmates and ditch the looser.

OverRice2524 said:

Behavior is a language. When someone shows you who they are believe them.

NirvanaSJ said:

He's just looking for a new Mummy to look after him

OP responded:

That’s kind of how I am starting to feel. I keep thinking about his past relationships and it sounds like he moves in with his mom after the relationship ends so I am going to ask him tonight if he has ever even had a place of HIS OWN.

OP then shared this update:

I just want to update this for anyone that put themselves in the same situation. I was honest and blunt. I told him I have a hard time trusting him after he offered months ago to help me pay a portion of the rent and gave me $530 after I brought it up. He asked to prove that is not how he is and I gave him another chance.

He gave me $300 which I used to pay the electric bill and internet expenses and I appreciate that. He continued to help doing dishes and watching my dog when I needed him to. When we spoke about how I felt he should be responsible for the security deposit on the new place he offered, he said no problem. Well I looked at a place yesterday we were accepted to and today I said let’s take it, pay him.

The response I got was a question of if I could pay for half due to something about a check not being deposited because of New Year’s Day. Not, of course I will because I was prepared to do so. When I expressed my concern for him asking to change the agreement he said don’t worry I will do it you are overreacting, which I wasn’t given the situation and him suggesting a change in what had been agreed on.

I said I can’t trust you to keep your word and I can’t keep allowing myself to trust when it hasn’t been shown you can follow through and that I am doing this alone now. I was baffled that his response was “I am still moving forward with moving there and I will get my own place and thank you for seeing my worth and pushing me to be better”. I don’t care if he is doing better because trusting him effed me over twice.

I have learned a hard lesson. I give too much to people at my own expense and the energy I put into others should only be given to myself. I need to learn to love myself so I don’t accept the bare minimum.

I’m not trying to be arrogant but I am not a mean person, I am generous and kind-even at my own expense- I get asked out constantly and am decent looking and when I complete these last two semesters will be making a significant amount of money.

All he had to do was keep his word to remain in a relationship with someone who saw his potential and pushed him towards it and he tried to change that last minute and blame me for getting upset about asking, then said ok I got it. He only offered what was right when he feared he would lose whatever he was getting being with me.

I deserve so much better and when I am done with school, licensed, and established my reputation at my place of employment, I will thrive, and if I decide to do it with someone I will make damn sure they are thriving when I meet them too. I’ll be damned if I ever allow myself to help build another person again if I am not there fully myself.

This year has been an eye opening one for sure. Focus on only myself because no one else but me will. That is my focus and if anyone else is in this situation, please, take care of only yourself. Some people will only do the right thing when forced and no one deserves that.