'AITA for not wanting to see my in-laws after my husband outed me to them?'
"AITA for not wanting to see my in-laws after my husband outed me to them?"
My husband Ray (M30) and I (F29) have been together for 6 years. For context, we see his family for dinner once a week. He's very close with his family-- I'm cordial and friendly with them but not nearly as close to them as he is.
Now for the situation. Around 8 months ago, I realized/faced the truth that I'm bisexual. Not due to a particular incident, just... a slow realization. I told Ray, and he didn't really take it well. Unfortunately he took it more as "I've been ogling women for years without telling you" and not "I've faced this uncomfortable truth about myself and decided to let you in". But we worked through it, kind of.
See, I told Ray because I love him, and because I trust him, and because I figure he has a right to know about a breakthrough like that. But I explicitly told him NOT to tell anybody else. This isn't something I feel comfortable with people knowing (except you all, I guess).
But I guess he was having a harder time than I thought, because he let slip that he's been talking to his mom and his sisters about this whole situation for over a month now. His mom and his sisters are very nice, but I TOLD HIM NOT TO TELL ANYBODY. We argued about this for a WHILE.
I felt betrayed and hurt, he feels like "don't tell anybody" meant "don't tell our friends" and that he can't be expected to keep a secret this big from his family. He maintains that it just slipped out and when it did he realized there was no taking it back and started talking to them about it to "help him cope".
Set aside this situation with Ray for a moment. I'm still furious at him and there isn't really any changing that right now. After our argument, I was mortified to realize that his family was privy to this huge realization of mine and I didn't know they knew. I'm not sure why but I'm extremely embarrassed, and I'm kind of mad at them too.
I haven't gone to the dinners since this last fight with Ray. One was last night, and today Ray told me that it's time to "get over it" and that I need to start coming again. I told him no way, and I'll start coming when I'm ready but that I'm too uncomfortable and uneasy about the situation right now. He feels like we're "not presenting a unified front", and that it's making him look bad.
I couldn't give a damn about a unified front, and I'm still pissed. So the question is, am I an @$$hole for not going to family dinners? On the one hand, it's not their fault that my husband told them. On the other hand, I feel exposed and vulnerable and, honestly, ashamed. I don't want to see them in my current "state". So what are your thoughts?
This is what people had to say to OP:
jensmith20055002 said:
INFO: in the time before you knew they knew (phew) did they treat you any differently?
How did you find out?
OP responded:
The answers to both these questions are kind of entangled. I don't exactly know how to explain it, but for the last month or so I'd been feeling a different "vibe" at the dinners. Call it intuition or paranoia or something but I just felt a very subtle difference in the way his family was acting.
I actually brought it up to him a couple times, but each time he said he didn't know what I was talking about. He's not very socially aware so this wasn't super surprising to me.
It wasn't until the third time I brought it up that he said that it was probably because they "felt different around me". He was pretty distracted at the time but I asked him why they'd feel different and he basically let it slip that it's because I'm bi. That's when I got upset and asked how they'd know I'm bi, he realized what he said, and the argument started from there.
StnMtn_ said:
He outed your confession after you expressly told him to tell nobody. He is not presenting a unified front.
silverilix said:
The united front he’s missing is standing beside you while you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. NTA.
No-Confusion-5578 said:
As long as you are in a mutually monogamous relationship, what's the big deal? I agree, you should be able to talk about something like this with your husband.