"AITA for not wanting to share home with husband's kid?"
We have an inequity in our home from my husband's youngest son. Second marriage for both, I have two children in their 30s and husband has another daughter mid-20s. We've been married for 9 years and husband's kids did 50/50 in our house, and son graduated last May.
All of our older kids left home and went straight to college. They have varying degrees of college debt, with my kids having the most ($30-$50k student loans each, their dad and I paid $50k ea).
My kids struggled a lot in their chosen careers but are mostly in a good spot now. His daughter did not return to college after the first year (only $10k student loans) and never moved home and has been successfully supporting herself, although she struggles as most young people do.
We've helped her with small loans and household purchases, nothing major. Her brother did not go to college and went straight into an apprentice program, earning immediately more than husband's daughter makes and his wages will nearly double in the next 18 months as this program continues.
The son and I have never bonded and his presence causes conflict with my husband whenever he's around, mostly because of the lack of accountability and expectations for his son. We've done counseling and I've waited it out - now I want my home to myself.
He has a mom he also lives with, but he prefers being at our house because my husband has zero expectations of him. His mom seems to have a sense of boundaries and they argue...
Which makes my husband feel guilty and he also probably secretly likes being the favorite, so it's an easy life at our house for the son. My husband works tirelessly to maintain our home and the son does not contribute, he works full time, he does what he wants on his own time.
We've argued continually about his son living with his mom full time now, but he gets offended by the idea and says he will not 'kick his kid out', even though all of our other children did not have this advantage of living with no financial burdens.
I agreed to sit on it for 6 months, giving son that amount of time to save at least $8k, an amount husband's daughter has never had access to. We are close to approaching that timeline and husband says he needs another year for son to 'find his footing'.
He believes it was all the other kid's decisions to go to college and incur student loans, and he's basically proud his son did not make the same choice. He says he sees how much his daughter struggles, and doesn't want the same for his son.
But isn't that GROSSLY unfair?? Yes, the son should pay rent here and that will be the next battle, but I am tired of being small in my own home and want to be respected in my own space. And I don't know how to look my own kids in the eyes without feeling guilty. AITA for wanting to kick his kid out?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I got a bit lost with all the kids, but now that I have sorted this out, definitely NTA. Although I think that if you really press for rent he's going to move out anyway, because who wants to live with their parents if they're going to pay rent anyway. So, there's the battle you should fight!
He just graduated high school. He's probably 19. He's a kid. Treat him like a roommate. Charge minimal rent. Basic chores. Quiet hours. The problem isn't the kid. It's the husband letting him get away with everything. If the dad does his part, and holds him accountable and the kid doesn't like it, he can go to his mom's.
I’d at least insist on chores. He lives in the home, it’s fair to expect him to contribute. For a kid with his head on straight, that’s still a good deal. If he misses he’s out, it will be because he resents doing the bare minimum.
How old is the son? If he just graduated last May then he’s 18 or 19. Seems a little young to kick him out. Maybe talk to your husband about charging the son rent and holding onto the money for him. In a year or so you can have a decent amount saved for him you move out.
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. If he is 19, that’s kind of young. Good for the son for having a well-paying career so young. It sounds like OPs kids went off and stayed on campus at school, which is why they each racked up close to 100k in college costs. I think OP actually being hypocritical by not supporting this son as much as she did the other kids.
It's a bit tough because you left the ages, but YTA. Your step son who is 18-19 did not go to college; went into an apprenticeship program, and you want me to start paying rent or simply live with his mom. (You reference he graduated HS last May; for me, I'd be 18 in your time frame).
You feel this is unfair (somehow), because your kids (who each got 50k) did not get to live rent free at home (because they were living at college, of which you contributed 50k to) and are now living on their own, paying off their student loans?
Honestly it just sounds like you don't want the son and want him out of the house, and are looking for any excuse to get him out. And it's *possible* you might be in the right to that. But the way you've framed the post makes you look like TA.