Woman begs to not spend the holidays with husband's ex wife, he says, 'it's tradition.' AITA?
"AITA for not wanting to spend another holiday with my husband’s ex wife?"
Positive_Winter4414
I (36f) have been with my husband Jake (47m) for 6 years, married for 4. He has a daughter, Jenna (19f) with his ex wife Susan. Jake and Susan’s marriage began deteriorating during the pregnancy & they were separated by Jenna’s first birthday, divorced before her second.
They don’t have a “friendly” relationship. They’re cordial for Jenna and polite to one another but they never just chat for the sake of it and there is zero warmth in any of their interactions.
Despite this, they both agreed that they never wanted their daughter to have to choose between them for the big holidays and so they’ve been spending every Thanksgiving and Christmas together for the last 19 years, with me joining the last 4.
It’s… fine. It’s very awkward and feels like something everyone is just trying to get through but it’s uneventful. There’s no drama or anything crazy but it’s not fun or festive either.
I was under the impression that this would end when Jenna reached adulthood since Jake complains about it every year but last year was Jenna’s first year home from college so he wanted everything to be “normal”
I’m pretty close with Jenna and last year, after we left Susan’s on Christmas Day, Jenna texted me joking about how dull the evening was and then said she didn’t know why they were still keeping this up.
And I was like PLEASE tell your dad because he’s going to insist on it for your sake until you do. And she said she would and we started talking about other things and it didn’t come up again until this year.
Jenna’s spending Thanksgiving with her new friend’s family this year so luckily it’s just the one holiday to deal with this year. We were texting last month while she was starting to make plans to come home for Christmas and brought up how she wasn’t looking forward to “another Christmas” and I encouraged her again to tell her dad how she felt.
She brought it up with both of her parents and said she would do Christmas Eve with one and Christmas with the other.
Great.
At some point, she mentioned to her mother that I had encouraged her to talk to her parents and now Susan has decided that I “manipulated” Jenna to get what I want (which I did want this but I don’t feel I manipulated anyone) and is blowing up Jake’s phone.
This is the most they’ve spoken in years and Jake is not quite but almost agreeing with her; ie: “well I know how you didn’t like going, maybe Jenna was just reading how you felt” which makes me feel like I’m going crazy. But I just feel weird and guilty now and I need some outside opinions.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
AllottedWordCount
NTA. Though it does look like you’re going to be turned into the scapegoat. Jenna made it clear that she wasn’t enjoying this and she herself came up with the solution. You just supported her. It sounds like this went on too long for anyone to be comfortable and like you’ve all missed out on festive holidays as a result.
Usual-Canary-7764
OP says her conversation with Jenna was via text. She does not need to send screenshot to anyone but if someday she gets a chance for a face to face chat then she can 'show' the evidence. The parents sound...tiring though. No wonder their kid is done with the charade lol.
Careless-World-7771
Jenna’s 19, not 9. If her own parents can’t handle her having preferences, that’s a them problem, not a you problem.
Alarming_Reply_6286
Do these people regularly dismiss their daughter’s opinions or perspectives? This has nothing to do with you. Jenna is 19. Let her manage her parent’s. If they want to point fingers, they can point them at each other for their own ridiculous behavior. If you don’t want to attend a holiday with ex wife, then that’s a different conversation that you should have with your husband.
irreverant_raccoon
Or maybe it was easiest for Jenna to put it this way. Not nice per se, but kids of divorce often feel pulled in the middle between their parents and maybe she saw this as an out.
z00k33per0304
I was hoping to see this comment. She likely doesn't want to "let her parents down" by admitting she's over the charade. Sucks OP gets to be the scapegoat but she could at least show her husband the texts and let him deal with his ex.
Sounds like neither parent has ever bothered to ask what Jenna wants at any point along the way they wanted to save face for their own pride, it wasn't for their daughter's benefit.
l3ex_G
Nta so these 2 grown people are talking to each other and to you but didn’t think to ask their own kid? Your partner didn’t think to have a private convo with his kid instead of trying to blame you? I would be super annoyed with your husband. They need to stop trying to paint you as the villain here.
jeenajamsons
NTA. It sounds like you nudged Jenna in a direction she was already leaning towards. She’s 19, fully capable of making her own decisions about how she wants to spend her holidays. If Jenna finds the tradition dull and expressed a desire to change it, it's really up to her to voice that, which she did.
The blowback from Susan and the hesitancy from Jake might be them adjusting to a new normal, but it's unfair to paint you as manipulative when you were supporting Jenna’s own wishes. Maybe this change will lead to new, happier traditions for everyone.