'AITA for not wanting to talk to my friends anymore who’s sick baby just died?'
"AITA for not wanting to talk to my friends anymore who’s sick baby just died?"
To be clear, it’s not now that I have decided that but before their baby died. We’ve been friends for about 5-6 years, would hang out together all the time even before they got married. It was a new kind of friendship for me at the time and we were all in our early 20s.
I would help organize their wedding, bachelorettes, baby showers. I organized the whole support campaign from our extended friends group when they found out their new born was terminally sick (it was in 2021).
I helped a lot with my own money and networking to raise their go fund me for their first-born, which was after I moved half the country in 2022. The thing is I’ve always felt like me doing these things was for myself too. That I was that kind of person. Of course I loved them too and it was all pure.
But since 2022 and earlier in be been through some stuff too, some dark stuff in my family, bad stuff in my career. I’ve been taking antidepressants for the last 5 months having severe crippling anxiety episodes. I’m getting better and a huge part of that is having some eye-opening moments here and there.
One was about my friendship with these two people. I feel like I’ve helped them out and beyond and barely ever felt the balance of where they did the same for me.
Not in the extend of course but I feel like I could be never fully be open and honest with them about my problems cuz the conversation there would either die down cuz of lack of active interest or turning everything into jokes (not mean one but keeping things not too deep).
So I stopped initiating chats a while ago. When I am depressed, I don’t answer incoming chats as well. I know they keep me in their heads but it feels like their lack of ability to maintain a deep conversations or proper two-way communications is getting the best of them all the time.
I just don’t have the energy to be friends with them anymore and me having my own issues they don’t know/aren’t realizing are that deep for me is only distancing us.
Not that I haven’t tried to talk about it. But every time every conversation is about them. Before their baby too, they never really changed. And of course, I completely understand they are having a much harder time in their life.
Now their baby had sadly passed. They contacted me to let me know and for support. I’ll give them all of the verbal support but after some appropriate time I want out. I don’t want to be a fairy god mother anymore… and I can’t deal with other people’s grief anymore out of pure altruism.
I want two-way relationships in my life with people mature enough for us to enrich EACH OTHERS lives and not me donating half my energy to support people who won’t ever support me back. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. My entire life i have always been there for people in whatever they needed but when I needed them, they all freaking bailed. The moment I started focusing on me and my family was when I was at peace.
If these people can't be there for you, then you need to cut them off. All they do is drain you. You've set such a high standard that they expect top levels of support all the time, and thats just not sustainable. Please don't feel guilty for setting boundaries for yourself. We are the only ones who will be there for ourselves until the day we die. I wish you a life of peace, friend.
Unfortunately, this is common. If you have a supportive friend group and family. You are truly blessed.
Sealion72 (OP)
Thank you so much. I guess I needed to hear it!
It sounds like you've been carrying a lot of emotional weight for a long time... and it's completely valid to feel drained from one-sided relationships, NTA, the way you're prioritizing your well-being isn't selfish, it's necessary. What do you think might help you rebuild healthier connections moving forward?
Sealion72 (OP)
Thank you! I think I do have healthier connections now. MUCH healthier. Maybe that’s also why I feel burdened by that old friendship. I feel like I’ve grown so much but these two didn’t. Even after everything they had been through, it feels like they had stayed the same. So I feel so outgrown which also sad of course.
Just continue to back off. Offer condolences but nothing more. They have used you as their emotional support system, but haven't returned that favour. Just let them know how sad you are about their situation.
If they ask for more than verbal condolences then let them know you are going through tough times yourself and won’t be able to help at this time. Spine up. Be kind and sympathetic but offer nothing else. Time to focus on you.
I call these one-way relationships.
NTA. Both things can be true. They can be going thru something awful and be emotional vampires.
NTA. True friendship is a 2-way street. You should get out of it as much as you put into it. Having said that, I understand that having a terminally ill child would be all-encompassing. It wouldn't leave much room for the needs of others.
As a parent, I could only imagine the pain they had to live with every day, knowing their child would only be with them for a short time. If you have always felt that the friendship was not deep and meaningful on their end, you are free to move on.
People come and go in our lives to add to our own story, and not everyone is meant to stay for the long run. Out of empathy for your friends, I would gently increase the distance between you. As long as it is not costing you additional mental distress.
Not at all. Friendship is supposed to be a two way street. Offer your sympathy and that's it. If the ask for more you just be honest and say you are going through a tough time and you don't have it to give. That's it. No more explanation.