'AITA for not wanting to use any part of my husband's late girlfriend's name for our child?'
"AITA for not wanting to use any part of my husband's late girlfriend's name for our child?"
My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 3 and now we're expecting our first child. My husband lost his first girlfriend, Emmy, when they were both 21. They'd been together for almost six years and he truly loved her.
He was honest with me about her and about the fact she would always be someone he missed and he had maintained a relationship with Emmy's parents. That was always okay with me. He seemed in a good place to be in another relationship and he dated before me so it was reassuring.
About 6 weeks ago my husband mentioned that if we had a girl he would love to use Emmy, or Grace which was Emmy's middle name, somewhere in the name. He told me it was something he always thought of doing.
And he told me for a boy he had ways of using masculine forms of Emmy or Grace somewhere in a boy's name. I told him I wasn't really on board with that and he never mentioned this to me before. He asked me why he would, and then said he didn't know why I'd be difficult about it.
It was a few days later he told me he wanted to use the names and he was putting his foot down that he should be allowed to. He said we can add it as a second middle name if I won't consider a first name or first middle name but that it should absolutely be in there somewhere.
He said only someone jealous would be hesitant to use it like I am. I asked him how he'd feel about it if he were in my shoes, if I wanted to name our child after someone else that I would always love but couldn't be with.
He told me he would suck it up for my sake and he would accept the dead aren't competition. Then he said he would actually be the one suggesting it and there would be no weirdness for him.
It was a couple of weeks later before he brought it up again and this time he said he would do this even if I loved my late partner more and was only with him because I couldn't be with my late partner (if I had one, I don't).
That became something more emotional for me because it felt like a confession when he brought it up because it was randomly said to me. But maybe it also felt like he might be speaking for his feelings and how he might think I'd feel.
I never had an issue with him loving Emmy or remembering her, feeling sad about her death or anything. I just never thought I'd be asked to name my child after her. To me it feels weird and wrong and this whole thing has made me insecure in our marriage. I told him as much and he suggested I was jealous and shouldn't be so threatened by someone who died.
He told his sister what was happening a week ago and now she's asking me to explain my feelings and asking if I'm a woman or a little girl because only a little girl would be so jealous of a dead partner.
I asked my husband why he told his sister because now she was getting involved. He said he had to vent to someone and he felt I was being unreasonable and unkind about this. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Names are always a two yes scenario. Naming your child after his dead girlfriend is weird and puts an unnecessary emotional burden on your daughter.
This! Imagine one day finding out you’re named after a woman your dad loved and that woman is not your mother. Children aren’t meant to be a living memorial for the benefit of someone else’s feelings.
Ask his sister if her brother is a man or a little boy who needs his sister to pick on pregnant ladies for him. Don't give an inch. I guarantee if you allow this, she will be treated differently than any other children you have with him. It's pretty creepy to make the person carrying your child name your baby after your long lost lover.
NTA. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like he literally told you that you're his consolation prize. I understand that under different circumstances you might not be together, but to outright tell you that he doesn't love you as much as her is hurtful. Why would any rational human being want a constant reminder of that?
Cassievvvah (OP)
He didn't say it that directly but to me it feels strongly implied with his whole I'd accept it even if you loved your dead partner more. It never needed to be said. But the fact he said it has been difficult to forget or move away from.
As always, naming a baby is a two yes situation and one parent is allowed to veto any name. I also don’t like naming babies after dead people, they need their own identity and not to be compared to the “angel” who had the name previously.
In your specific case I hate the thought of your baby being named after his first love, that he lost, that he would be with if she hadn’t died…. That seems like such an awful thing to do to you AND to your daughter. It makes you the other woman to your own baby. I also feel that he was not up front with you about being ready for a relationship or a child whilst this ghost has such a strong presence in his heart.
NTA - omg - this is nuts. I am really sorry but it sounds like bigger issues than baby name. Would he go to counseling? It sounds like he is not over her. As for name - do not give in. You should not be constantly reminded of your husband’s dead ex every time you talk to your child.
NTA - Truly sorry you did not know this BEFORE you got pregnant. Big red flag. The fact that he got his sister involved is another red flag. I hate to say this, but you may want to reconsider this marriage.