'AITA for not wishing my boyfriend a Happy Father’s Day?'
My boyfriend (M32) and I (F27) have been together for 4 years. He has a young daughter from a previous relationship, and while I’m not her mom, I’ve been a very active part of her life for several years. We live together and function as a family unit. I handle day-to-day parenting duties and split costs for her needs 50/50 with my boyfriend, including clothes, gifts, food, outings, etc. (except medical/childcare).
He earns significantly more than I do, but I still contribute equally even when it’s financially hard for me. That said, I’m not included in major parenting decisions, and things like medical choices or school issues go between him and her mom. In his eyes I am generally expected to act like a parent, but only when it’s convenient for him.
For instance, if I don’t offer to take her out or spend time with her how he wants, he’ll say, “You’re just as much a parent as her mom, act like it.” But then I’m not included in Mother’s Day, and he often critiques how I handle things like rules or discipline.
This year for Father’s Day, I spent a lot of time planning with his daughter. We picked out three gifts for him including something fun he’s been wanting, something referencing a movie that is special to them, and a custom piece of jewelry with her initial.
I also helped her make a handmade collage with pictures of them on top of a painting she did. I helped wrap everything and planned out how she’d give them to him.
A week ago, I got a last-minute invite from a close friend I hadn’t seen in a while for today. Neither of us realized it was Father’s Day, and once I did I asked if he’d like me to cancel. My boyfriend was scheduled to work from home today, so he said it definitely didn’t matter anyways, and we could do the Father’s Day stuff later that evening. We confirmed this more than once, including the night before.
I specifically asked if he wanted to wake up early to do gifts and he said no, he would wait until I got home. This morning, about an hour before I was leaving, he told me his daughter wanted to do the gifts in the morning. I reminded him of our plan and that I had already explained it to her. He got noticeably upset and fully ignored me when I left later.
He’d already had an attitude and didn’t even reply when I said good morning but this made it even worse. I still tried to make the rest of the day special. When I got home I brought his favorite drink/snack.
We went on a walk as a family, I took his daughter to the park, and we all played games and colored at home. I made his favorite dinner and baked cookies with his daughter. I cleaned up, packed her lunch, and handled the nightly routine while he showered. I work early mornings, so I got into bed while he finished up.
When he came out, he told me (angrily) I didn’t even say “Happy Father’s Day” to him. That the gifts “were all from her” and I didn’t get him anything. He said he felt ignored and wanted to be “doted on” and that it was his day. He said I don’t show him any appreciation or acknowledge him. At that point I felt really hurt and angry.
I had already spent money I couldn’t really spare and put so much time and energy into making the day nice, including things I know he enjoys, even though he isn’t my dad and we don’t share a child. I feel like I did much more than I was obligated to, but now I feel unappreciated and also weirdly guilty.
AITA for not making a bigger deal about Father’s Day? Was I wrong not to get him his own gift or prioritize him more directly? Or is he being unfair, considering everything I did?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
cbdubs12 said:
Holy. Sh!t. This entitled motherfucker has YOU feeling guilty after you did all of that? OP, this is just another symptom of how horribly unbalanced your relationship is. He’s using you, manipulating you, and absolutely not appreciating everything you are doing for him AND THE CHILD YOU HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR yet take care of!
No gift or recognition on Mother’s Day, but you need to “dote on” him? EFF that noise, the selfish prick can go toot his own horn. DTMFA, leave, and never let yourself put up with behavior like this again.
No_Jaguar67 said:
Why are you with him?
1ofdwights70cousins said:
Four years, no marriage, and you’re being used as a baby sitter and meal ticket. Zero rights of a wife or mother, all the burden of a nanny (plus you’re essentially paying that man child support).
I had two kids before marrying my husband. We had known each other 10 months. The day we got married was the day he immediately was treated as their father. We have two kids of our own now and he has the same jurisdiction and consideration across the board.
You’re being used imo. YOU are paying HIM for the right to babysit. Also he’s a spoiled brat. Those were great gifts that any sane man would cherish receiving from their child, with it being obvious that they were helped by the wife/girlfriend.
Prettypurplepeony said:
Sorry why are you contributing 50/50 for his daughter when he makes more and you aren’t considered fully her parent??
Beyond this incident, you seem to recognize that he is not respecting you or your relationship with his daughter. Is this really the kind of man you want to be with?
OP responded:
I don’t have family. This is my only family, or the closest thing I have had. Leaving him means I will no longer have a relationship with his child. I don’t have the support or finances to get out. I was fairly inexperienced with relationships when we met. Now I can obviously recognize the power imbalance that was kind of there.
I do love them both though. Things aren’t always bad. Trust me, I feel stupid and embarrassed to admit these things about my relationship. When these things happen, I genuinely feel insane and confused. I start off confident in my stance and by the end of the conversation I am genuinely convinced I am in the wrong.
It sucks to realize that I was probably preyed upon because of my lack of experience, empathy and the fact that my career involves child development and I work with children. When we met I was a lonely, inexperienced 23 year old and he made me feel special like I had never experienced before. Now I am just attached, and I’m stuck even if I wanted to get out. I don’t know what to do.
Boopboobep said:
He’s taking advantage of you in this relationship. He wants to treat you as free babysitter and not even give you any appreciation for it. Then he has the audacity to be mad at you and ignore all the effort you put into this day… like girl, how does he think his child got the gifts?!
aardvarkmom said:
I saw your comment that bf and his daughter are your only “family.” The problem is that staying with him is keeping you from finding your real family. I know you’ll miss the little girl, and she’ll miss you a ton, but you’ve got to break this off. NTA
And Complete_Aerie_6908 said:
Why are you paying ANY MONEY for the care of his child? Ugh. 😣