Betrayed brother rejects nephew named after him following brother's affair with childhood sweetheart. AITA?
"AITA for wanting nothing to do with the child my brother is having with my ex and refusing to acknowledge them naming their kid after me?"
I (20m) dated my now ex-best friend Alia (20f) from age 13 to 17. We'd been best friends since pre-k and I adored her. I thought we'd get married as adults and have a family. But then I found out she was cheating with my brother (19m currently).
My relationship with both of them was over when I found out and it was messy for months. Alia wanted me back. She told me she made a mistake and we were meant to be together.
My brother wanted me to see it as a mistake at first but then he wanted Alia and he told me he fell in love with her and wanted me to accept it and support them being together. Then Alia wanted my brother.
So before I'd moved out they were together and dating. I avoided them like the plague and any time they tried talking to me I told them to get away from me and treated them like a disease. A couple of times my brother and I almost came to blows because he started getting angry that I wasn't willing to forgive them. He accused me of trying to break them up.
One time it got really close after a fight because I hoped the two of them were miserable and ruined everything that moved until they destroyed whatever love they thought they had. He didn't like me saying it but I meant it.
When I moved out I refused to see my brother after that. My parents understood but told me they hoped in the future we could be in the same room. Some family invite the two of us to stuff and I skip it to avoid them.
Other family members invite only me. It's caused some tension. I told those people in my family that if they want to invite my brother to keep the drama down I'd see them other times. But I have some really loyal family.
There was some tension several months ago when my brother and Alia were in an accident. I didn't go to the hospital and I only called to see how my parents were doing. I didn't care about my brother or Alia at all.
It rubbed some people the wrong way. It upset Alia really badly too and my brother started talking trash about me to some family. And then after a while he tried to get a cousin who speaks to us both to mediate for us and I told my cousin he didn't need to because I still wanted nothing to do with my brother.
My brother and Alia are having a baby now and apparently once they found out they were having a boy they decided to name him after me. This was used to try and bring me back into the fold.
I have some family telling me I need to be in my nephew's life and I better fix things between the three of us before he's born. But I don't want a relationship with their kid and them naming him after me changes nothing for me.
It's getting me some shade from family members who say I should be over it by now and my only brother should be more important than some teenage cheating. I was told by some people on my side and others on the side of "forgiveness" that my brother and Alia's relationship gets more strained the longer I refuse to have anything to do with them.
The family on my side tell me as a heads up for dramatic relatives. The people on the side of forgiveness tell me to shame me for potentially putting the baby through a broken family from day one.
They said I wished ill on the relationship and now a baby is involved so I shouldn't want everyone miserable and I should want a relationship with the child. They say it's disgusting I'm not willing to put the past behind us so I can be an uncle. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, that’s not a namesake, it’s emotional whiplash in a baby blanket.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this It’s understandable to feel hurt and betrayed after everything that happened You’re not the AH for needing space and setting boundaries Family should respect your feelings and choices.
Totally agree with you. It's wild how some people expect instant forgiveness just because time has passed, trust takes way longer to rebuild, if ever. OP’s allowed to feel hurt and protect their peace, no one else gets to rush that.
NTA. You're absolutely not the AH here. Your boundaries aren't just valid they're damn necessary for your sanity. You've got every right to keep your distance. Your pain doesn't have an expiration date and protecting your peace matters more than appeasing people who hurt you intentionally.
You didn't cause this mess you're just refusing to pretend it didn't happen. Their relationship troubles are theirs to solve. Your absence isn't punishing their child it's preserving your boundaries. Forgiveness is your choice alone given when you're ready if ever. Not when it's convenient for them.
Tell those flying monkeys to eff off and mind the business that pays them. You are an adult and have told them repeatedly that your brother is dead to you. You don't owe him or that cheater of a GF anything not even to piss on them if they catch fire. NTA.
NTA. Your brother and ex are absolute garbage human beings and completely betrayed you and destroyed their right to consider you family at all. I would never forgive them and cut off anyone attempting to force contact. Forget them.
NTA. Unless they want you around to one day tell your nephew why he's named after you and how you used to date his mom, they should stfu.
DeeplyStuffed (OP)
I don't know what they're thinking of with that stunt. It'll only mess the kid up especially if before they tell him they talk about me as some loving uncle who wants a relationship.
That sounds just terrible. I’m glad you’ve got some support. I’d never forget they did that. Forgiveness is for ourselves. Don’t hold onto anger, it only hurts us. I’d be NC hard. NTA.