'AITA for offering my clothes to a coworker after losing weight?' 'That’s SO humiliating.'
↵"AITA for offering my clothes to a coworker after losing weight?"
I have a coworker that I am very close to and we eat lunch together, etc. I’m a clothes horse and I have so many things that I’ve never worn and still have the tags on. My coworker is always commenting to me that she loves my clothes and if I ever decide to give anything away, please come to her first! We were the same size.
I recently lost a lot of weight and I’ve gone down five sizes. I’ve been working really hard at it, but I haven’t been talking about it that much because it seems to be a bit of tension between the two of us. She’s never said anything outright, just some passive aggressive comments about how I’m getting too thin.
I just ignore it because a lot of people say that, and I think it’s just a result of the shock of me losing weight. I still have about 30 pounds to lose before I even hit the 150 mark and I’m very short. I’m definitely not too thin and I still suffer from body dysmorphia, so I don’t even think I’m thin at all.
I recently went through my clothes, and I have a shocking amount of things that have either never been worn or have been worn once (I really need to work on this addiction). I put them together in boxes and on my next trip into the office, I asked her if she would like me to bring those in so she could go through them.
Her face took on this very shocked expression, and then she said “why would you ask me that? Why would you insult me by asking me if I want your hand me downs and castoffs? That’s so humiliating.” I was stunned and I think I might’ve actually said I was sorry and walked away.
To make things even worse, there’s another friend in the office who was also my size, and as we went out to the car later that day she asked me what the boxes were in my car. I told her they were my larger size clothes and that I had brought them for our other coworker, but she didn’t want them (I didn’t go into any details).
She went nuts and asked if she could go through the box. She called her daughter who worked very close by and we spent the next 45 minutes going through the boxes and getting the stuff that she wanted.
They literally took almost everything. While they were doing it, the other coworker came outside to leave for the day and saw what was happening. She got into her car and left. Later that night she texted me and lit into me about me giving the clothes to the other coworker.
I am so confused. Did I insult her? And if I did, why would she care if I gave the clothes to someone else? After several years of a good work friendship, she won’t even speak to me anymore. Am I the ahole?
Here's what people had to say about this one:
IllustriousWash8721 said:
She liked that you were the same size, she took comfort in that. When you started losing weight, she took it personal. You didn't do anything wrong. She is the one with the issue. Instead of celebrating the work you put in, she tries to put you down. That's not a real friend
NotCreativeAtAll16 said:
NTA. So is she upset about you asking if she wanted your too large clothes? Or is she upset because you gave it to someone else after she got all offended? Either way, she sounds insufferable.
ServelanDarrow said:
NTA. If the first co-worker had never mentioned wanting your clothes that would be one thing. But she did. Then she got pissed when you gave the clothes she Refused to a different co-worker. You can't win with this person, who, imo, isn't much of a friend.
scorchthedragoon said:
NTA. Weight is a tough subject for people but that doesn't excuse your coworkers passive aggressive comments or her rudeness to you about the clothes. I'm glad you found people who appreciate the gesture!
wesmorgan1 said:
NTA - I'm guessing that the public "do you want to go through my clothes here at work" set her off, because she didn't like how that might look to others. Of course, she didn't tell you that, so you're in the clear.
vav70 said:
NTA. It's unfortunate that so many people think weight loss is a competition. I think she's jealous of your new health, and accepting the clothes would reinforce the idea of you "winning." This is something she needs to work through on her own. If she makes you uncomfortable (passive aggressive/negative talk), you can redirect the conversation, saying "let's talk about something else".
As for giving them to your other co-worker-kudos! I think it's wonderful that you ended up being able to donate the clothes to someone who appreciated them. Congratulations on your journey! Health is wealth; keep taking care of yourself.
ExtraHorse said:
NTA. Your coworker likely has a difficult relationship with her body and shame. Here's an analogy: Let's say you and your coworker are surrounded by people who play baseball, but you two aren't great at it so you play whiffleball. You have a really nice bat and team shirt that she's admired for a while.
Then you start training and working very hard, and your baseball skills improve to the point where you can play. You're not Derek Jeter but you're an average baseball player now. You think "I don't need this whiffle ball stuff now, I'll give it to my friend" which is a kind thing to do. But what your friend hears is "I'm better than you now, so you can take this crap because I'm too good for it, and by extension you"
Did you say that? No. Did you do anything wrong? No! But if she's insecure about being "only" a whiffleball player, then that's what she hears. She's feeling alone now, and not as comfortable around you as she used to be because she thinks you judge her now too.
Then seeing another whiffleball player go "omg I'd love those thank you!" is grating not only because now she'll never get the stuff she admired, but she has a mirror held up to her behavior.
She wishes she could be a baseball player like you, or unselfconscious and happy with whiffleball like the other woman, but she is where she is and is now stuck in a cycle of shame because she has internalized the idea that it means she is worth less as a person. You tried to do a kind thing, and