"AITA for only getting pictures of my adopted daughter?"
My husband and I have 3 girls, 2 bio (4 and 5) and 1 adopted (Avery 12). Avery is my friend’s daughter. When Avery was 8 her parents passed in a car accident. Over the next 3.5 years she was passed around to different family members across multiple states. One person/family would take her, promise she can stay with them, then within 6 months she was shipped off to the next person.
She’s been with us for 6 months and it’s definitely a challenge. She has pretty bad abandonment issues so she has a tendency to test us or act up to try to get us to give her away. She’s even run away twice.
Anyway, we don’t have many pictures of Avery in the house. She hates her school picture so I’m not allowed to put those up and she doesn’t usually like it when I take pictures of her.
We just took a vacation and I told Avery we were going to be taking family pictures while we were there. I also booked an individual session for Avery so I can get some pictures of just her.
Throughout the trip I also made sure to get pictures of Avery, some with the other kids but mostly pictures of her at the beach, in front of a waterfall, and just at random points on the trip.
I was getting the pictures developed and my husband commented that the only pictures I took were family pictures, pictures of all of the kids, or only pictures of Avery. I told him I wanted pictures of her to put up around the house since right now we only have pictures of our bio kids.
He thinks it’s not fair to our bio kids that I only focused on Avery when I was getting the pictures and that once everything is framed and put up around the house the girls are going to think this vacation was all about Avery. Now I’m wondering if focusing on her on this trip was unfair to the other girls or if it looks like favoritism.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA- how many pictures did HE take? Why is it all on you to take pictures of everyone?
This is an equity vs equality issue. You are giving equity. This is something Avery needed. She hasn’t felt loved in a long time, hasn’t felt special, and hasn’t felt a part of a family. You wanted to give her that. Your bio kids have had that since they were born and were ok just having family pictures taken.
Your husband believes in equality, that everyone should get the exact same thing so they don’t start feeling jealous of each other. This is a pretty common debate these days and I don’t know if there is a right or wrong. NAH, BUT I would sit down with your husband and get on the same page moving forward in terms of parenting philosophies.
NTA. You bio kids seem to be at an age where they're probably not going to even notice the "extra pictures of Avery only". They had fun on vacation. That's what they'll remember. But Avery is sure going to notice that you are including her in your family and that she is part of it now.
I think that as long as you have mostly the same amount of pictures of each kid hanging up when you’re done that it’s fair. You took more pictures of Avery on this ONE vacation because you probably don’t have a backlog of photos to choose from like you do from having years with your bio kids. Sometimes you have to make things equitable and not exactly equal.
NTA. Unless the husband points it out, the kids wont notice, but the adopted daughter definitely will. Just make sure to put the family and group shots in prominent places. Put the single ones of A with the existing single shots of your kids.
All your kids will notice is that A now has pictures of herself next to theirs. One will likely loudly and happily shout "Look A! Your next to me here!" Remind hubby to not make an issue of it as your kids wont. They will, when older, understand you were playing catch up. Just in the future, remember to get some individual of everyone and various groupings.
adoptedpictures (OP)
I am planning to put her pictures with the other individual pictures of the kids.
NTA. This is a perfect example to talk about equity vs equality. If you treat everyone equally, you do nothing to help those who started with less.
Avery started with little to no pictures around the house, whereas your other children did. Right now you are trying to help Avery reach the same point as your other kids. Who cares if they think this vacation was just for her? They still went and (presumably) had fun right?
NTA. If he’s so concerned, shouldn’t he take some photos as well?
🎯 BINGO! So true. Too many families have tons of pictures taken at major events with mom always missing because she is expected to be the only one responsible for documenting the memories everyone is making…..
NTA but your husband is expressing an anxiety that he has about this setup. I’d suggest exploring that with him rather than making him an AH for this.
NTA. You didn't just take pictures of her. You took many of just her because your putting thought into her well being. Your bio children haven't lost everyone and been shipped around like luggage. Did your husband not want her? I do suggest each of you spending one on one time with each child to keep from having resentment build.