'AITA for only paying for one of my daughter's weddings and downpayment?' UPDATED
"AITA for only paying for one of my daughter's weddings and downpayment?"
I (50m) have three kids: Sarah (35f), Jessica (25f), and Ben (23m). My wife and I had Sarah when we were both sixteen. It wasn't easy, but with both our parents' support, we could finish college while we raised her.
When it was time for her to go to college, we didn't have the money to help her. So she took out loans and paid for them herself. We learned from our mistakes and started saving for her siblings Jessica and Ben, who got around a 100k college fund and had no debt.
Through all of this, Sarah never complained. She finished her education, got a fantastic job, and could repay the loans in just three years while staying with us to save as much as possible. She has also helped us a lot with babysitting her younger siblings and has always been selfless and helped out in any way she could, maybe even to a fault.
So when she told me five years ago she was getting married, I talked to my wife and told her how bad I felt we never did anything for her and that I wanted to give her the inheritance I got from my grandmother, which was around 50k, to help pay for her wedding and downpayment on the house. Luckily, my wife agreed, and even though she didn't really need it, I know it meant a lot to her.
The issue is this: Jessica is getting married next year and had assumed we would plan a similar gift for her. She was quite surprised when I told her that we never discussed such plans, and even if we wanted to, we didn’t have the budget for it.
She told us it wasn't fair that we paid for her sister, but would not do the same for her. I tried to explain the situation, telling her that in the long run, we spend twice as much on her and her brother as we ever did on Sarah. However, she insisted that Sarah was already well off, noting that Sarah and her husband had paid off their house and were doing extremely well financially.
I told her that this had nothing to do with how much money her sister had; this was us finally being able to do something for our oldest child, who had to sacrifice so much because we had her at such a young age. She didn't take it well, left angry, and won't speak to us.
My wife thinks we should maybe take out a small loan and give her the money because she isn't used to not talking to her kids and is sad she is being left out of the wedding preparations. She is even afraid of us not getting invited to the wedding. But I have put my foot down and won't budge because she is not entitled to our money.
Now even Sarah is saying that this is getting out of hand and even offered to help pay half the money. But personally, I'm at a point where I'd rather burn the 50k than give it to her. Sarah and my wife think that this is not worth destroying our family over, but I think that giving in will only make her more entitled in the long run.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
TarzanKitty said:
NTA. One child got a funded education and one child got a wedding. I think college girl is probably an entitled brat because she got the higher ticket item.
piperreggie11 said:
NTA. Sarah sounds like an incredible daughter for even offering to help give her younger, spoiled sister money that she’s not entitled to. You did something right there at least.
teresajs said:
NTA. Do NOT borrow money to help Jessica. Jessica got $100k for college and Sarah got $50k for her wedding and house. If anyone is owed any money, it's Sarah who's still $50k behind her siblings. If Jessica wants a wedding she can't afford, she needs to borrow money from a bank, not you.
shammy_dammy said:
NTA. Tell Jessica she's already gotten that money as a college payment.
Far-Juggernaut8880 said:
Tell Jessica that you paid for her education while Sarah took out loans and that Sarah’s wedding was cheaper than her education. NTA.
doblehuevo said:
NTA. Jessica is delusional. Don't give in. Sara paid her own education. That was an even trade. If Jessica chooses not to invite you or no longer wants to be close, that's just her decision. If you give in, she'll just keep using this method in the future. Like cutting you off if your baby shower gift isn't good enough, etc.
TwilightLom said:
NTA, Jessica already got a huge college fund advantage.
conner7711 said:
NTA. Your spoiled daughter is though. If she can’t comprehend the facts of the financial support that you gave to all your kids, then she is just being a spoiled brat. Please do not give her a nickel, if you do she will manipulate you and your wife for years to come.
8 days later OP came back with this update:
Thank you all for the fantastic comments and personal messages from my last post. After reading the comments, I felt even more convinced that I was in the right, so I sat down with my wife to talk. Following many of your suggestions, I showed her the post and asked her to read it.
She wasn’t happy, especially when she saw how many people had read it, but she was also really curious. This has been on her mind a lot lately, and she wanted to know what all of you were thinking.
She had a few issues with my comments. She believes that when I said I would rather burn the money, it indicates I need to change my approach to problem-solving. While it might be easy for people on the internet to suggest that parents cut off contact with their child, she is not ready to lose her little girl.
Additionally, she thinks my statement about doing my duty and wanting to take care of myself comes across as selfish and is not something a parent should say.
She believes there is a reasonable compromise. Instead of giving her the full 50k, we can offer her half for the wedding. This way, we can cover most of the expenses from our savings, borrow the rest from Sarah if needed, and pay her back within a year. I told her right away that I was not going to do that.
I told her that we could separate our finances and that she could return to work full-time to help Jessica pay for the wedding. However, I made it clear that I was done. As selfish as it may seem, I don't feel obligated to Jessica anymore, and I want to enjoy my life while I still can.
She replied, as she always does, that I am stubborn, and she would take that step if it meant keeping the family together. I told her it was fine but not to come to me complaining about her health when she went back to work full-time.
A couple of days ago, she came to me and said that she agreed with my proposal. We made a plan to open a joint bank account where we would deposit our monthly expenses. After that, we can each use our personal money however we like.
We decided on an amount to keep in our savings account for emergencies and agreed to split the remaining funds 50/50. I even agreed to cover sixty percent of the money needed for our joint expenses.
This is the first time we will have more than one bank account, so I’m a bit nervous about how it will turn out. I also believe she mentioned talking to her boss about working more hours, but I want to avoid getting involved in that discussion.
I spoke with Sarah and expressed my concerns about giving Jessica any money, which I believe is a bad idea. However, Sarah insists that she wants to help. She mentioned that while she agrees with my viewpoint, she doesn't want their mom to return to work full-time.
She clarified that her decision to help was aimed at supporting their mom, not Jessica. I told her that it was her money and she could do as she pleased, but like her mom, I wouldn't involve myself in the situation any further.
Right before I wrote this post, I sent an email to Jessica expressing my feelings for her. I clarified where I stood and mentioned that she could decide how involved I would be in her wedding. I don't expect a reply, but now I'll have to wait and see what happens.
Edit: I realize now that I didn't explain something clearly. My wife wants to pay 25k for the wedding, which she and Sarah have agreed to split. She believes this is a reasonable compromise, but I disagree with her.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Yeah, NTA. I read the last post, and I agree with you. If your wife wants to be the provider for her whole life, let her do that. But you are entitled to enjoy your life too. There is also a difference between solving problems and being a pushover. And your wife is clearly the second.
I’m not sure if just separating finances is a good idea for OP.
Since they’re married, OP might still be held accountable for his wife’s debts, even if he doesn’t know how bad the situation is. If she maxes out her credit cards or takes out loans, OP could be legally responsible. Something tells me the wife might have only agreed to this financial arrangement so she could take out a loan without OP knowing.
OP, you need to sit down with your wife and make it clear that if she gets a loan or racks up credit card debt to continue enabling your entitled daughter, you won’t hesitate to file for divorce. Also, consult a lawyer about getting a postnuptial agreement to protect yourself.
You deserve to have a solid retirement plan instead of wasting your hard-earned money on your daughter. She’s old enough to take care of her own expenses, and if you keep enabling her, she’ll never learn the value of money and hard work. If this doesn’t change, you might find yourself struggling financially in retirement instead of enjoying the time you’ve worked so hard to secure.
I forgot to mention this in my post, but part of our agreement is that she should not take out any loans with interest. If she decides to borrow money from friends or family, that's her choice, but I want to avoid having another bank loan under my name.
However, I am confident that she won't need to borrow much if she only gives 25k for the wedding, especially since it appears that Sarah is planning to cover half of that amount. Which again, I still think is a bad idea.
Get a postnuptial agreement to protect yourself. Your wife could take out a loan behind your back, and you won’t even know until things spiral out of control.
Your wife’s behavior is enabling your daughter, but she doesn’t realize she’s actually harming her. What will happen to your daughter when you and your wife are no longer around? If she never learns the true value of money because you’ve always bailed her out, she’ll be completely unprepared to stand on her own.
You’ve already done more than enough for your kids. It’s time to prioritize yourself and focus on building a solid retirement plan where you can enjoy the life you’ve worked hard for. You deserve that.
If your wife wants to keep sacrificing herself, let her—but make it clear that you won’t be helping her or putting your life on hold to support her choices. She probably assumes that when you both retire, you’ll continue footing the bill for her and your daughter. She likely doesn’t take you seriously because you and your older daughter have always allowed your wife to treat you like doormats.
Your older daughter shouldn’t be paying for her sister’s wedding or covering any of her expenses. That only enables your youngest to continue financially abusing her.
And how do you know she won't stop working after the wedding which will put it all back on you.
You can never be sure. But if she does, then working full-time will be the least of her problems. If she breaks our agreement, I don't see another option but divorce.