'Am I overreacting to the texts my husband's friend sent him drunk at 3 AM?' UPDATED 4X
"Am I overreacting? My husband’s friend texted him drunk at 3 AM."
Last night my husband’s long-time female friend texted him this at 3am (she’s also married), I was pretty worried about it as I don’t get along with her super well and it seems like she’s planning something suspicious, but I asked my husband and he said that she just acts really weird when she gets drunk and not to worry about it. AIO?
Transcript of the Text Messages between husband's friend and husband:
Friend: quick q if i ever asked u to sleep with me would u have said yess?
Friend: like when we wer both single
Husband: Ummm
Husband: Maybe? Like in the first year or so
Husband: Prob not after that it would've felt too weird lol
Friend: ooh
Husband: Are you drunk or something, weird thing to ask at 3am lol
Friend: just a lilllll
Husband: Go to sleep 😊
Friend: ok
Friend: sry was just thinking of things that couldve been
Friend: gonna delete this text so hubby doesnt get weird, dont say anything back
This is what people had to say to OP:
Opening-Interest747 said:
It may not be a big deal to your husband because he has no interest in her, but it’s a big deal to be texting things she knows are wrong (and she does know it’s wrong: saying she’s going to delete the texts so her husband doesn’t see them).
The issue is that your husband needs to set a firm boundary with her. He needs to tell her “Hey, it is not okay to text me things like that. I’m happily married and not interested in talking about things that might’ve happened way back when. Please don’t text me things like that again.”
ConversationAny2212 said:
Well it's good that he showed you... you won't have to worry about him at least. But this is not appropriate behavior, being drunk is irrelevant. You can't control his actions or what he chooses to do with his friendships but I personally wouldn't allow this to be explained as 'ok' when it comes up between you both.
I would personally limit my own interactions with her and make no effort to conceal my thoughts of feelings when speaking with her or about her.
Basically, I wouldn't participate mitigating natural consequences for bad behavior.
RockyBear1508 said:
I take that as she's "friends" with him in hopes to one day not be stuck in "the friend zone." She wants to sleep/ be with your husband. Husband needs to set firm boundaries. Like "any texts/calls after 10pm(whatever time works for you guys) must be an emergency! " Completely ridiculous.
Korunam03 said:
As a husband, if a female friend texted me that drunk or not, they'd be cut off. Im not into homewreckers.
Two days later, OP shared this update:
"I confronted my husband's friend."
I thought about it for a while, and told me husband this morning I still feel weird about it. He told me to tell her my feelings myself, so here’s how that convo went. Honestly I’m not sure how to feel - it seems like she isn’t really interested but she’s also just giving me a weird vibe in general.
Transcript of the Text Messages between OP and husband's friend
OP: Hey
Friend: hey whats up
OP: Just wondering
OP: I never did anything bad to you, did I?
OP: It feels like you don't really like me sometimes, and I'm wondering why that is.
Friend: nahh girl youre tripping
Friend: i have no issue with u
Friend: i know [Husband] loves u and thats good enough 4 me
OP: Ok, good to hear
OP: So you respect our relationship completely right?
Friend: obv
Friend: is this about that stupid 3am text
OP: To be honest, kinda
OP: It doesn't sit well with me, I tried to let it go but I can't.
Friend: sorry to hear ur insecure
Friend: u mean to say u never think about ur 20s ever??? blame a girl for wondering lol
OP: Not wanting your husband to see though?
Friend: he wouldn't get it
Friend: but also idc
Friend: just prefer to avoid a argument
Friend: when i can
OP: Alright...
Friend: if u want some advice
Friend: u seem a little controlling i get that vibe
Friend: and u dont want to go down that road
Friend: it ruins marriages!!
OP: Umm ok?
Friend: just looking out for u thats all
The next day, OP shared this second update:
"I contacted her husband."
So uhh, where do I even begin? After texting her yesterday, I spent most of the day trying to clear my head. When my husband came home from work, I showed him the messages and told him that she made me very uncomfortable and that he should seriously reevaluate his friendship with her.
He was not happy about the texts, and reassured me that I wasn't controlling and that he would call her and yell at her about that. However while he didn’t say it outright he heavily implied he wasn’t willing to end his friendship over this. He talked about how long he’d known her, how she’d helped him through some dark times, and how she was usually the nicest person and this was completely out of character.
His tone suggested there was no way to convince him so I left it at that. He did say he was going to make her apologize to me and put their friendship on "time-out" if she refused (I have not received an apology so not sure what's going on there).
I decided to drop it for the moment and sleep on it, and in the morning I woke up with a plan. I went through some older group chats and found one with her husband in it, so I reached out privately to him and attached screenshots of both the original 3am text and my convo with her. He just responded and uhh...seriously wtf.
He confirmed my suspicious but also I'm just speechless, like....what even is there to say about that honestly. So now I have a woman who hates me when I have absolutely no idea what I've done to her, trying to destroy my life and I feel as helpless as ever.
I don't even know if I want to bring it up again or just try and forget about it entirely, like honestly getting into a big argument with my husband over it is just letting her win. But ugh...I kind of hate my life right now, that’s for sure. I honestly just want to break down and cry, my husband comes home in a few hours and I have no idea how I’m going to act normal.
Transcript of the text messages between OP and husband's friend's husband:
OP: Hi [Friend's Husband] - this is [OP], I'm not sure if you remember me but we met at your wedding a few years ago. I had a few concerns about [Friend] and wanted to share them with you, so I've attached some screenshots of conversations with her (first one is her texting [Husband] and second one is when I asked her about it the other day). I hope you can understand why this feels problematic for me.
In the first one, I know that her and [Husband] have had a long-standing relationship before either of us were in the picture, but it doesn't sit well with me that she's up late at night thinking of things like that. And for the second one, the more I think of it the more she just seems unnecessarily rude and dismissive towards me.
I am really not aware of any reason for her to dislike me at all? I've always tried my best to be open and respectful to her so not sure where that's coming from. Would appreciate your insight and thoughts
Friend's Husband: Of course I remember you, and thanks for trying to loop me in. To be perfectly honest we have been dealing with a lot of problems in our marriage for a while, to the point where it's gone far beyond fixing. Both of us have given up on it mostly, and we're still together only out of a mutual desire to do what's best for the kids. So with that context I hope you understand there's not much I can do.
Friend's Husband: For what it's worth I don't think anything will happen with her and [Husband]. Based on my general understanding and the texts you attached, I don't think he's interested in whatever she's trying to do and he definitely isn't the type of person to cheat.
However I do agree she has some sort of grudge against you from the way she's talked about you in the past - she'll never admit it, but it's kind of obvious. My personal theory is that she is just trying to make you mad and to get a reaction here. Either way for your own happiness I would recommend the two of you keep your distance.
Friend's Husband: Lastly I realize it's ironic given the context but I have to ask that you don't tell her or [Husband] (since I have a feeling it will get back to her if you do) what I've said. I still have to live and communicate with her daily and I would much rather our relationship be amicable than hostile. Best of wishes
OP: Oh my god. I'm so sorry to hear that
OP: I won't tell either of them, don't worry
Three days later, OP shared this final update:
"She apologized to me."
So to start off from last time, somehow I managed to be mostly normal when my husband came back. I think he noticed I was somewhat off and was acting super nice, but he probably figured I was just mad about the earlier thing. The next morning I told him she hadn’t apologized to me, and he said she was probably just taking some time to figure out how to approach it and to have patience.
To be honest I wasn’t expecting an apology at all…but it actually came in this morning and she sounds genuine. Yeah…now I’m kinda thinking I actually overreacted but it is what it is. I do wish it happened before I wasted most of my weekend thinking of it, but oh well…just happy to put this behind me for good.
Transcript of the Text Messages between OP and Husband's Friend
Friend: sorry. im sorry for what i said the other day
Friend: i admit i was mad u brought it up + wanted to lash out
Friend: but u had the right to ask. and didnt deserve that. so im sry
Friend: r we good?
OP: Not yet. I appreciate it of course but there's still a few things I wanted to clear up
OP: Do you mind sharing exactly what you were thinking of when you did the 3am text?
Friend: sigh if i must
Friend: last week was just rly rough for me
Friend: thats all
Friend: i had to leave work on monday to pick up [her son] bc he got into a fight
Friend: then had to stay home the entire week bc he was suspended
Friend: it made me get blackout drunk a few times and yeaaa
Friend: not sure what exactly i was thinking, just self pity ig lol
OP: Ok fair enough, sorry to hear about that. Hope you're better now
Friend: yea its w/e i got over it
Friend: have to be a good example and all hahaaa
OP: Yeah it just stuck out to me because you defended it when I asked. So I thought it might be more than a drunk thing
Friend: nahhh i lowkey knew it was weird
Friend: i just said that bc i was mad lol. and wanted to annoy u
Friend: like i said im sorry
OP: Yeah no worries
Friend: oh and btw 1 more thing
Friend: i know u think i hate u, but i stg i dont
Friend: ive always supported ur relationship
Friend: however i can
Friend: i talked to [Husband] before/after ur first date
Friend: gave him advice on proposing
Friend: gave a toast at ur wedding. etc. bottom line is
Friend: im glad he has u. and id never do anything to change that
Friend: sry for not making it clearer the other day
OP: That's great to hear. And I'm sorry if I judged you too harshly.
Friend: yea nw
Friend: so r we good then?
OP: We are
Friend: ❤️
This is what commenters had to say to OP in response to the update:
MyDirtyAlt79 said:
Yeah, no, she should still be gone from both of your lives. When she asked your husband if he would sleep with her, she had the presence of mind to say she needed to delete the texts to hide them from her husband.
When you reached out to her she was presumably sober and an absolute brat. Her excuse was that she was mad at you for bringing up her hitting on your husband??? She's trying to cover herself now and clean up the mess her actions have made, and even in this, she stinks.
And Direct_Confidence_16 said:
"It made me get black out drunk" the only thing "making" her drink is herself, she does not accept responsibility easily huh? I dont think you overreacted, she was crossing boundaries. Being disrespectful, and seems very immature. If I were you id keep it cordial but you dont have to go out of your way to be nice or do things for her. If she does something like this again I think your husband should cut her off.