'AITA for not telling everyone in my life that I have an open marriage, resulting in someone trying to 'bust' me for cheating?'
"AITA for not telling everyone in my life that I have an open marriage, resulting in someone trying to 'bust' me for cheating?"
I’m married to Ryan, who has a chronic illness that rules his life. We have a somewhat open relationship. Ryan can’t perform sexually very often due to his illness, and the days where he can, it kicks off incredible fatigue.
I’d rather we be able to go for a walk together or go out and do something most of the time, and so would he. We have been together for 15 years and in the past 7 have had sex 5 times. Yes, it's incredibly sad.
Probably 6 years ago, Ryan offered to open up the marriage for me. I was hesitant for a very, very long time, like 3 years after his first offer. But I do have my own needs. Over the past years I’ve had 2 other men who I’ve had sexual relationships with.
A nurse, Greg and college professor Sam. They always know the situation up front, and both men have been incredibly respectful. They know from the start that I would never leave Ryan, and that he will always be my priority.
A few weeks ago, the college professor Sam, and I were at a restaurant after we’d had sex. We were being a little goofy, and my sister in law happened to catch us while she was out with her daughter.
I didn’t know until much later, when I was added to a group chat where I was immediately confronted and told what a disgusting, horrible sloot I am for cheating. They all took turns reaming me out and saying all kinds of things to me about how heartless I am.
When the messages slowed down I told them “Ryan knows, we have an open marriage.” I explained a little bit more. They all started apologizing, except my SIL who then tore into me for keeping this a secret and making it seem like it was something it wasn’t.
I heard her out but told her that the adult thing to do would have been to confront me one on one so I could tell her and she wouldn’t have embarrassed herself like this. She said that she shouldn't have to and that it was degenerate behavior to begin with.
Of course she is insisting this is entirely my fault. I have always had some difficulty seeing beyond my own perspective, so really, am I? To be clear I mean that we haven't told anyone. I don't care what anyone thinks about the open relationship itself.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA - of course not. This is your business to share with whom you want. And situations like this are why when this sub goes nuts about “exposing cheaters”, everyone can take a breath and realize they don't always know everything.
I'm more curious about the fact you were having dinner with this man after having sex with him. I assumed the open relationship aspect was just sexual as that was the only ingredient missing in your relationship. It seems a little inappropriate to then be 'dating' them as well when your partner's at home.
Did he actually have that intention when he brought up the sex outside of marriage? It just seems like you're adding potential conflict to a situation that doesn't need it. Why is it not just intimacy and leave? Dating as well is where these things blow up and people catch feelings even though they know the rules.
Classic-Web-6642 (OP)
Both men have been long term sexual partners, and since they're not just one-off hookups or anything, we do things like grab a bite after and chat or they'll occasionally walk me home. Ryan knows everything that happens!
NTA love the protectiveness for her brother but it’s none of her business.
Just a quick question. If its simply to satisfy your "needs" why are you going out to dinner and acting goofy with each other? That kind of behavior is usually reserved for a partner.
Classic-Web-6642 (OP)
Because they're long term sexual partners, and I like having at the very least a connection with them. It works for us, there's really no concern there.
NTA but put herself in her shoes. You go out with your kid to a restaurant where you see your brother's wife / your kid sees his aunt messing around with another man. What would you do in that situation?
You are free to live your life as you want. But if you expose your lovers and private matters in places where you know people might see you, than you should also assume responsibility for what they'll think or say.
She embarrassed herself and is now trying to make it your fault. That part if pretty obvious. But, if these other guys are only supposed to be for intimacy, why were you essentially out on a date with the guy?
To me, "acting goofy" is just another way of saying "we were flirting and being playful like a couple, in public". I feel like that crosses into emotional attachment. If it was just for intimacy, you'd get dressed and go home, not go out and have dinner with him.
NTA. If your husband wanted his family to know, he would have told him. Who do you think would be more embarrassed or uncomfortable in this scenario? Your husband telling his family that he wants his wife to get sexual gratification outside the marriage because he can’t do this or your SIL being embarrassed for not handling this privately first.
I can’t believe she would do that to her brother without talking to him first.
You owe her nothing. She owes you and your husband an apology.
She butted in and now she can butt out. Your marriage and sexual relationships are no one’s business as long as everything is open and honest between the people you’re with.