'AITA for ordering expensive meals when I eat out with my family?'

"AITA for ordering expensive meals when I eat out with my family?"

So let's start with some background. My (33F) family consists of my grandparents (old), my mom (50s), my dad (60s) and my little sister (29) and her boyfriend. We are all adults, have our own places, and pay our own way in life.

I'm going to be honest though, they are all poor. Like working multiple jobs, struggling to get by and can't really afford nice meals. In contrast, I am well off. I moved out and worked multiple jobs while in college in order to be able to afford it and life expenses. I had days where I couldn't afford food, lived in a craphole house sharing situation, etc. so I know what it's like and how hard it is...

Now onto the real situation. We sometimes go out to eat, like a few times a year. It's always planned by my mom as a "birthday get together" during my birth month. However, every time the bill comes out, everyone is suddenly going to the bathroom, smoke break, anything to pretend the bill isn't there.

So I end up paying for everyone, even though it's supposedly my birthday dinner and I didn't plan anything or pick the place...this year they tried to do this again, I tried to cancel citing low funds and ended up saying in advanced people should pay for themselves. Everyone ended up ordering less food, used coupons etc and made comments about me being off the hook...

Also, I ordered a decently priced steak to share with my fiancee. They made comments and gave me looks... So am I the ahole for (1) not paying for everyone else (I paid for myself and my fiancee) and (2) ordering a nicer steak (which I shared with my fiancee because we ate prior to going) when they couldn't order a nicer steak?

Additional clarity/context: I had told my mom last year I don't like doing dinners for my birthday and earlier in the month, when my mom tried to plan a dinner, I had said no because of low funds. The plans were changed to apple picking. My mom and sister made the reservation for the restaurant while we were at the apple farm.

I tried to say I didn't want to go because we already ate, but was told to "just come and order a drink." So before we even left to go to the restaurant is when I said people should pay on their own. (Every other time I just sucked it up and paid, but similar things happen - I get invited and then stuck with the bill).

Here's what people had to say to OP:

espressothenwine said:

NTA. I am honestly surprised they came and paid their own way. I did NOT see this story ending that way. You handled it perfectly. You didn't say you couldn't afford a steak, you said low funds meaning you couldn't afford everyone's food.

You never should have been expected to pay in the first place. It's sad you even had to specify, but I am glad you did and glad it all worked out! If they get mad, that's their problem. I hope you enjoyed your steak.

FuturePurple7802 said:

ESH. While it is understandable that you don’t want to be taken advantage of and setting clear expectations. It is not a nice thing for you to order a steak when you know money is an issue and you see people ordering less or using coupons. So I would separate the two issues.

Don’t accept any more of these birthday celebrations organized by your mom because the dynamic is not going to change and you will only keep getting frustrated/annoyed or behaving petty. If you do want to celebrate with your family then you organize something where you feel the ownership and can define the budget and activity, so you decide if or how much to pay.

Itchy_Efficiency9750 said:

NTA but honestly why do you agree to do this for your own birthday when it doesn’t seem like a comfortable or fun situation for you? Something at home or more lowkey could work out better. If elaborate dinners are your thing maybe do this with other people? Idk but it feels like you need to make a call since its your birthday after all.

LiveKindly01 said:

ESH a bit. Your family, clearly, for organizing "mooching off you" dinners. You, for letting it happen, then playing victim. Stop going for dinner!!! Say "no thanks mom, we don't need to go for dinner, I know you guys are watching money." Or "for my birthday, let's go for ice cream."

If she insists, just be real with her "mom, I know you like to get together, but I'll be honest, I don't really appreciate being left with the bill. I don't mind paying for our wine/appetizers/dessert, but if everyone wants to go out then I think it's fair everyone pitches in."

Flat-Replacement4828 said:

NTA. Honestly don't know why you associate people who try to take advantage of you like this.

Grymflyk said:

NTA. You are well off because you handle your money wisely and have apparently a good paying job. You also know that it is not in your financial best interest to keep paying for a large group of people to eat out.

Don't beat around the bush about it, tell them plainly that you enjoy being asked out to dinner but, you don't feel like you should have to pay for everyones meal, especially on your birthday.

Let them get pouty about it, they know that what they have been doing is wrong but, continued to take advantage of you anyway. If it happens again, pay for your meal and leave. Let them figure out how to handle it themselves.

cassowary32 said:

ESH. Maybe it's time to do potlucks to celebrate special occasions. Or pick venues that people can actually afford to go to. I assume you eat out with your fiancé without your family, that would the time to get the steak.

You also aren't responsible for picking up the tab all the time. You did split the steak with your fiancé which was probably cheaper than ordering two regular entrees but the optics still weren't great.