AITA for ordering expensive meals when I eat out with my family?

AITA for ordering expensive meals when I eat out with my family?

So let's start with some background. My (33F) family consists of my grandparents (old), my mom (50s), my dad (60s) and my little sister (29) and her boyfriend. We are all adults, have our own places, and pay our own way in life.

I'm going to be honest though, they are all poor. Like working multiple jobs, struggling to get by and can't really afford nice meals. In contrast, I am well off. I moved out and worked multiple jobs while in college in order to be able to afford it and life expenses. I had days where I couldn't afford food, lived in a hole house sharing situation, etc. so I know what it's like and how hard it is...

Now onto the real situation. We sometimes go out to eat, like a few times a year. It's always planned by my mom as a "birthday get together" during my birth month. However, every time the bill comes out, everyone is suddenly going to the bathroom, smoke break, anything to pretend the bill isn't there.

So I end up paying for everyone, even though it's supposedly my birthday dinner and I didn't plan anything or pick the place. This year they tried to do this again, I tried to cancel citing low funds and ended up saying in advanced people should pay for themselves. Everyone ended up ordering less food, used coupons etc and made comments about me being off the hook.

Also, I ordered a decently priced steak to share with my fiancee. They made comments and gave me looks...so AITA for (1) not paying for everyone else (I paid for myself and my fiancee) and (2) ordering a nicer steak (which I shared with my fiancee because we ate prior to going) when they couldn't order a nicer steak?

Edit: edited the actual AITA question(s) to be more clear. Additional clarity/context I forgot to include: I had told my mom last year I don't like doing dinners for my birthday and earlier in the month, when my mom tried to plan a dinner, I had said no because of low funds. The plans were changed to apple picking. My mom and sister made the reservation for the restaurant while we were at the apple farm.

I tried to say I didn't want to go because we already ate, but was told to "just come and order a drink." So before we even left to go to the restaurant is when I said people should pay on their own. (Every other time I just sucked it up and paid, but similar things happen - I get invited and then stuck with the bill).

Here's what people had to say to OP:

LiveKindly01 wrote:

ESH a bit. Your family, clearly, for organizing 'mooching off you' dinners. You, for letting it happen, then playing victim. Stop going for dinner!!! Say 'no thanks mom, we don't need to go for dinner, I know you guys are watching money'. Or 'for my birthday, let's go for ice cream'.

If she insists, just be real with her 'mom, I know you like to get together, but I'll be honest, I don't really appreciate being left with the bill. I don't mind paying for our wine/appetizers/dessert, but if everyone wants to go out then I think it's fair everyone pitches in.'

OP responded:

Based on my edit, I really did try to make the nature of this birthday get together different... But to your point, I think it's time I be frank and tell my mom the truth, which is that I don't like being invited places and stuck with the bill. I'm hoping if I'm honest, they will understand and stop trying to plan these events, and stick to more low-key stuff (as other commenters have said).

Grymflyk wrote:

NTA. You are well off because you handle your money wisely and have apparently a good paying job. You also know that it is not in your financial best interest to keep paying for a large group of people to eat out. Don't beat around the bush about it, tell them plainly that you enjoy being asked out to dinner but, you don't feel like you should have to pay for everyones meal, especially on your birthday.

Let them get pouty about it, they know that what they have been doing is wrong but, continued to take advantage of you anyway. If it happens again, pay for your meal and leave. Let them figure out how to handle it themselves.

FuturePurple802 wrote:

ESH. While it is understandable that you don’t want to be taken advantage of and setting clear expectations. It is not a nice thing for you to order a steak when you know money is an issue and you see people ordering less or using coupons.

So I would separate the two issues. Don’t accept any more of these birthday celebrations organized by your mom because the dynamic is not going to change and you will only keep getting frustrated / annoyed or behaving petty.

If you do want to celebrate with your family then you organize something where you feel the ownership and can define the budget and activity, so you decide if or how much to pay.

espressothenwine wrote:

NTA. I am honestly surprised they came and paid their own way. I did NOT see this story ending that way. You handled it perfectly. You didn't say you couldn't afford a steak, you said low funds meaning you couldn't afford everyone's food.

You never should have been expected to pay in the first place. It's sad you even had to specify, but I am glad you did and glad it all worked out! If they get mad, that's their problem. I hope you enjoyed your steak.

BlondDee1970 wrote:

INFO: If you know money is an issue for the rest of the family why are you not having a pot luck family dinner at home with a homemade cake? It's a weird flex to order something expensive knowing others at the table can't have the same. Have a backyard BBQ that everyone can relax and visit with each other.