Woman exposes ex-fiancé's green card scheme and business fraud after escape. AITA?
"I outed my ex fiancé by telling the real truth to his best friend’s wives, his clients, and investors about why I broke off the engagement and did a Silent Goodbye."
Context- I, 30F, broke off an engagement from my ex, 29M after 3 years. We live in the US but we met in a different state that either of us lived in. Let’s just say I live on the west and him on the east.
After long distance for 1.5 years and me traveling back and forth during my breaks (I was going to school at the time in a non-transferable program), I packed my life to live across the country with him.
Well…. As many can probably attest to, visiting someone, even for weeks at a time, is SIGNIFICANTLY different than living with someone. This is the first partner I’ve ever moved in officially with.
I was so emotionally invested as our initial 4 months of “dating” consisted of nightly FaceTimes, daytime texts, promises and dreams for the future… basically capturing my heart by a love bomb from afar.
When I surprised him by getting a plane ticket for the first time to visit for the summer, I think I had already SUPERGLUED those rose-tinted glasses on tight! I saw red flags in person but excused them left and right because they “weren’t that bad”. He also worked a lot and the summer was his busy season so each time I got to see him I had puppy energy and was excited anyway!
Fast forward- I finish school, sell my car, pack my things, and move across the country. That’s when I really got to see him for who he is. Over time the treatment got worse, in EVERY TYPE AND FORM, name it!
It progressed slowly, but by this time I felt like I was in quicksand because I was slowly getting trapped overtime. He took everything I had from me. Once I finally felt like I could get out, (I had secretly been saving up money on the side) enough to ship my things over and gtfo, he proposed to me. I looked at him like a deer in the headlights. All I could muster up was “I love you.”
He immediately wanted to call his family and friends. (His family lives in Europe and doesn’t speak English) but started berating me about how I wasn’t “acting excited and jumping up and down” nor did I “want to show off the ring”. He was screaming at me “JUST PRETEND TO BE HAPPY YOU'RE MAKING ME LOOK BAD YOU REPRESENT ME!”
That’s when I officially knew. I won’t go into detail but the situation got worse to where I was scared for my life. I left silently and never went back. I did keep in contact with him shortly after as I feel like I didn’t have my head on straight and can make any excuse as to why, but then all the lies became evident.
The person that invested in him was my former boss- the person I had to leave to go back to home. I told them I needed to leave because I wasn’t in a healthy relationship, but man, narcissists have a sweet way of manipulating people and he wanted to partner up with him.
Another slap in the face as I was their way of connecting from the start! Okay, not my biggest problem, best of luck. That’s the only person I told I was leaving, my boss. Otherwise I did a total silent adios.
Fast forward, people reached out to me because… isn’t it weird that such a prominent man in the community just got engaged and his fiancée is nowhere to be found for months? I started getting reached out to.
By his friends, former business partners, and clients that knew me very well. I guess this business deal was shady.. and it all started to make sense! The whole time I was with him I never knew in full what he did for work.
I would get bread crumbs of info but if I asked too many questions they’re would be another blow up argument. Sooooo… once it all got pieced together, I realized the truth I had been living was a whole lie.
He got fired from his main job because he went behind their backs to create a rival company. The rival investment idea ended up falling through and he lost a lot of really close friends as well as a ton of business because clients heard about it.
The reason he proposed at that time and wanted to go to the courthouse to solidify it that next week was because he wanted a green card and his business visa was expiring. Oh goodness the list goes on and on about the sneakiness and dishonesty.
So, I heard through the grapevine that he had been telling people I had to go home because I had some family issues to deal with… for 5 months?! I think people started smelling the BS.
When people reached out to me, I told them the truth about why I left and said take that or leave that. The thing is, I was going to keep it silent and let him go about his life because I didn’t want to deal with anything any longer, any repercussions or any reason to have to go back.
He lost everything, and his loss is not my victory. I feel a major loss myself but man it felt liberating and SO validating that other people spoke out to me and I could validate them and me back! I basically felt like shoulders up, welcome to reality everyone!
Now I’m living a much better and healthier life, and on a side note, he totaled his car (yes he’s fine) that he also lied about saving up for a down payment on a house for so…. but his poor little Tesla baby had to give an Irish goodbye as well.
I’m not happy about this at all but I am sitting back and eating popcorn, petting my cat, and continue to watch the fires burn that he started all himself and wanted to take me down with.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I am sure that you have realized this already but please get into therapy. Good luck! There are great potential partners out there. Just not your ex piece of horrible fiance.
Well done for telling the truth and getting out of your situation… but idk where the term Irish Goodbye comes from. As an Irish person a typical Irish goodbye is to announce loudly that you’re leaving only to spend an hour or more chatting before making it to the door.
I am so proud of you. Textbook coercive control and you got out. Well done. I’m so sorry you experienced that.
This is a combination of coercive control and green card fraud. He did everything to love bomb you then cut you down as his means to manipulate you into marrying him. Be SOOO happy you dodged that bullet. All those little hairs on the back of your neck alerted you so strongly they could no longer be ignored—and just in the nick of time.
I think others have mentioned this, but please set yourself up with a therapist before getting into another serious relationship. You need to explore why you were willing to ignore red flags and tolerate his behavior. You deserve more and I hope you know that. And good for you in expressing your truth to those who’ve also seen through his BS.
Believe me, I get the rose tinted glasses. BTW, they also blind spots in them and no peripheral vision. You were smart in how you handled the exit, but there are a couple more things you want to do bc he sounds a little unhinged.
I would change your phone number. I don't mean just block him bc he will find ways to call and text from other numbers. You may block him on every social media platform, but they find a way around that, too. Also, never give anyone your address, especially those friends or family of his. I am sure you've probably done this, but just in case.
I love your final comment watching him burn in a fire he started. You're lucky you didn't get charred by him permanently. The emotional and mental pain will take time as well as the remembrance of good times. As always, those to shall pass when you get healthier.
Still waiting for the aforementioned 'irish goodbye' where you go to leave but then someone starts another conversation or asks you if you heard about Yer Wan so then you're there gossiping for a other 15 minutes.
Sure you need to go now but the kettle's just been put on so you'll have another cup, and anyway themmuns down the road, sure you'll never guess what he's been up to? Then 20 minutes later you go to make your move but are accosted again by some granny on the way out the door.
But now uncle Colm has come over and he's looking a wee favour so you sort it out and then you turn to go but you go through the rigmarole of saying 'bye' about 40 times to each person before you can actually leave the house. That is an Irish goodbye. Anything else is just a nonsense stereotype. Anyway, glad you left that loser.