'AITA for asking my parents not to bring my special needs brother to my wedding?' + UPDATED

"AITA for asking my parents not to bring my brother to my wedding?"

I (26f) am getting married this spring! He's the love of my life and I'm honestly so happy. The issue comes from the fact that I have a brother (20) who has several conditions and diabilities. I want to make it clear: I absolutely, positively, love my brother with all of my heart.

My problem, though, is that when we were growing up, everything was always about him, and I was the backburner kid because I was older and able-bodied. My parents also wouldn't let me participate in anything that he couldn't be directly involved in, too, so that made it hard especially because I loved things like camping and road trips that I remember us doing before he was born,

but all of that came abruptly to an end. When we look back on memorable events, such as my graduation photos, its always remarked on as "oh this is when brother was getting xx done" or "that was the year brother did xx".

I was also relied on a lot for care, and they're so busy planning for his future (which is admittedly more expensive) that what was put away for me before he was born has been used up and they've never been able to plan for mine. They weren't bad parents or anything, but my brother just needed more everything.

Fortunately, I managed to get into a decent college on a scholarship, and that's where I met my fiance! He's really into outdoorsy things, too, and we are in the process of planning and saving for our dream wedding with the help of his wonderful parents.

We plan on getting married at a national park about two hours away by car from my parent's house, and plan to have about 30 people at the wedding. My parents have told me that this won't work. Its too hard to take him that far, the wedding times we have planned are too long, the guest list is too much, and the environment and activities we have are not friendly for my brother.

My mother asked me to get married at a local courthouse down the street instead and to only invite my parents, his parents, and my brother (excluding his siblings), and we can then have a "reception" back at their house, and I said no. My dad counteroffered with a small, local place with a courtyard, but I said no, I've dreamed about being married at the national park.

After much back and forth, I just finally asked my parents how they'd feel about maybe my brother not going to the wedding, and we would cover half of the cost for making sure he has the care he needs for the event.

They were shocked and called me selfish, and I tried to explain that I just wanted this one day to be about me, but they just told me they were disappointed in who I've become, and thought I was more mature and understanding than that.

My fiance is on my side, and in laws have offered to help us cover the cost for care for the wedding, but my parents said they can't support me if I can't support him. A couple family members reached out to care for him on the day of, but some others said they won't be going to my wedding unless he comes, too, and that I have no heart. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Im_a_surly_duck said:

You’re NTA but your parents suck. Live you life girl. This is your chance. They’ve made their decisions. Now make yours. I hope your wedding day is awesome!

OP responded:

Honestly I don't feel like they "suck". They're good parents. They've gone above and beyond to care for him. I just wish that they'd take the time to notice me.

chelsea_mathews said:

absolutely not an a$$hole, you seem to already have sacrificed so much for your brother but you deserve to have YOUR wedding day be all about YOU (and your partner) and not about your brother. stand firm in this, maybe offer to have a separate reception a different day with your brother and family?

OP responded:

I'd have no problem doing that, but my mom and dad want me to have my full wedding there with my brother involved in the entire thing. The problem is though I'm not allowed to bring anyone new. around because he cannot handle multiple new faces. Its one of the reasons why my parents haven't officially met my to-be in laws in person yet. I just wanted to have my dream wedding.

NeedItNow07 said:

NTA. Especially considering their “plan” for your wedding is to not invite other siblings. If they are ok not having some siblings at an event to suit THEIR tastes, they can accept if ONE of your siblings can’t go to something you are planning and paying for.

And TaiDollWave said:

NTA. You never didn't invite him. You picked your venue for your wedding, and your parents decided that you should switch it up to accommodate him. You don't want to do that, nor should you have to. You offered an alternative. They've decided to make it all about your brother and their role as his caretakers.

That's their choice. They'd prefer to shift the blame to you for that, and that isn't okay. You are not required to make every single event in your life about your brother.

Edit from OP:

I don't know if this is important or not but I want to add that I, fiance, his family, and our friends do not live in the same state as my parents.

Edit #2 from OP:

A lot of people have been asking. One of my brothers' disabilities is nonverbal Autism, but he is wicked smart. He can read and type. I've told him previously about the wedding, and he responded with some brother humor.

My parents often make decisions on his behalf and baby him a lot. Looking more into this, I actually think he might be more embarrassed knowing that they made me change my entire wedding to be quick, small, and safe. I'm not sure how to bring that up to my parents at this point.

Q&A and Update:

Why can't you just livestream/get a carer/have two weddings/etc?

My parents have a very firm belief that any level of "accommodation" that doesn't make him completely able to enjoy the activity or whatever exactly how everyone else will is only going to make him feel disabled, and therefore they want him to be there for the full celebration, as is.

I'd be more than happy to livestream my wedding or do something with just him, but these aren't seen as okay. Not to mention, we live in a different state, so I can't just fly home a month later to have a second wedding.

You must not love your brother because you don't want him there/ you chose a venue to purposely exclude him/weddings aren't about you, they're about sharing with your family and friends. I do want him there. As many people have pointed out, national parks are accessible.

I would absolutely love for my brother to be there, but multiple new faces (even multiple faces of people he knows) can be too overwhelming. I've honestly just gotten to a point where it's gotten so ridiculous (especially not being able to actually share with family and friends) to where I'm personally overwhelmed by it and its just easier to throw in the towel and say that maybe its best he not go.

How can your parents expect fiance's siblings not to go, just so your brother can?

This one is simple. They believe that my brother is disabled and they are not, so they should understand.

Who is paying for this? How much have they paid? Why are you not offering to pay the full cost of care?

My parents have put forward no money for my wedding, because they can't. The wedding is being paid for by myself, my fiance, and my in laws. I cannot pay the full cost of additional care because I cannot afford it.

Why haven't your parents asked your brother? Why haven't you?

Before I told my parents, I told my brother. Please read above. They tend to make decisions for him, and when we are together in person, they are always in the middle between me and him. He does try to talk to my parents, and my parents just sort of baby him about it.

You must hate/resent your brother

I do not. There was definitely tension between us when I was about 18/19, but that has since gone away and we have a much better relationship now, especially because we can communicate over text.

Did your parents post here or there because I saw a similar post about a National Park wedding and a disabled brother.

No. My brother is 20 and not adopted, my wedding is in the spring and not child-free, and I have literally no issue with my brother being there. My issue stems from the ridiculous length of accommodations, including not allowing any of my friends to take part of the event.

Now for the update: I spoke again with my brother (I sent him the post, too). He heard from my mom something about me not wanting him at the wedding, but he was horrified to hear the details and said he would be mortified if I went along with my parent's plan.

He and I discussed some reasonable accommodations for the day (such as where we could go/ how we could get him out if he needed) and he brought that up to them. My parents didn't think that was appropriate that he might have to spend time alone/with one of them somewhere while everyone else had a good time, so it was shot down.

My brother ended up saying that he'd like to go, but my parents weren't really budging and I should just have my wedding so long as I promise to show him the video.

I spoke to my dad this morning, and he told me I shouldn't have gotten my brother involved because he's sensitive to stuff like that. He seemed to feel like I made my brother compromise on a lot of things.

With all of your advice, I explained that I love my brother very much, and would love all three of them to be there, but that my life cannot always revolve around him, and that I'm tired of being unimportant to them. His response is that because I don't have disabilities, I should be able to understand and accommodate, but I told him that its beyond accommodation and its bordered neglect.

I spent over an hour having a conversation about this, and as a result of the whole thing have made the choice very clear that I would like to go no contact with him and my mother.

My mom tried to talk to me but I haven't answered. I took the day off work to just relax from the whole thing.

So yeah, unfortunate situation. Still talking to my brother. He's giving me updates. I don't know who is going to walk me down the aisle but I honestly don't care at this point. Maybe one of fiance and I's friends or something.

Thank you all for your kind words. Its an overwhelming number of responses and I cannot respond to them all, but I feel all of your love and luck for my wedding!

FAQ pt 2:

Why can't you walk yourself/have your brother walk you down the aisle? Why can't you and your fiance just walk arm-in-arm? That's empowering for me, so you should do it, too!

While I completely understand that some people feel empowered by the idea of themselves or other women walking down the aisle on their own, or doing this or that, for other women we dream about our dads being there with us in that moment. It isn't because I need a man to "give me away" or "transfer" me.

Its because I wanted to take part in that ritual of growing up and moving on from being a kid. That's what it represents to me. Its special to me for my dad to be involved in that part of the wedding, and to take the time to participate in something like that. I ask that everyone respect my choice as much as they would like others to respect theirs.

Not to mention, one of the accommodations for my brother was that he would be fine in the back, not involved in the actual wedding ceremony. That was where he said he felt most comfortable so easy escape, and he didn't want to feel like all eyes were on him.

Why can't you just "kidnap" your brother for the day and not tell your parents?

Because they have power of attorney/guardianship, and this would actually be illegal. While he is extremely smart, his medical conditions make it so that he is not able to be fully independent.

Honestly, the absolute last thing I need regarding my wedding is genuine kidnapping drama where police get involved. Because of the situation they do not need to wait 48 hours to act, and they can (and most likely will) press criminal charges.

What exactly are all of your brother's medical conditions?

Nonverbal autism is one, and epilepsy is another. I don't really feel comfortable putting every single one out there, mostly because its identifying information if I get into rare conditions.