Overprotective parents compare engaged daughter to disabled brother, refuse to let her move out. AITA?
"AITA for hiding my plans to move out with my fiancé from my overly protective parents?"
I (23F) need some perspective on this situation. My parents are extremely protective and controlling, to the point where I've never been allowed in my youth to have friends over at my house or go to friends' houses without a parent present. They've always been like this, and it's been really suffocating.
My fiancé (22 M) and I have been saving up for a wedding and a place to move out, and we've been working towards this goal since 2020. We've been secretly putting away half of every paycheck into a separate account, and we're finally close to reaching our goal.
The thing is, my parents don't want me to move out after we get married. They think I should come back to their house after the honeymoon and live with them again. They've always been like this, but it's gotten worse since my brother (22M) is diagnosed with ASD.
They seem to think that because he needs a LOT of care, I must need the same level of care, which isn't true. I have ADHD, but I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. My brother is low spectrum the type you need to help after they go bathroom,groom them, bathe them and can never survive on their own etc.
I've tried talking to them about moving out, but they just don't get it. They think I'm not ready for independence and that I'll struggle without them. But the truth is, I've been working hard for years, and I'm more than capable of taking care of myself.
I've had the same home nursing job for 4 years, and I've worked multiple jobs at once during COVID while finishing school online i worked 3 separate jobs ran off 3 hours of sleep just to prove i wasn't baby minded as my brother. If thats not more than capable im puzzled on what they wish to see to soothe the anxiety.
My fiancé and I have a plan, and we're almost there. We've found a great opportunity for him to get a job that will allow us to afford a house comfortably. We want to start a family, have a nice wedding, and live our lives without interference from my parents.
I been engaged 2 years and want to enjoy my marriage, my journey for motherhood, my life as an adult but i have guilt and a little fear that maybe im so tunnel vision on independence im not seeing the big picture so, AITA for hiding our plans from my parents?
Ps: I feel like if I tell them, they'll try to sabotage our plans or guilt trip me into staying. I just want to surprise them with the news when we're ready to move out. Is that selfish of me?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Do not tell them, they will actively try to sabotage you. Be prepared to lose a lot of your physical belongings unless you have a way to slowly sneak stuff out to something like a storage unit. Also be prepared to go low or no contact once you are out of the home to protect yourself from guilt tripping, manipulation, threats, etc.
And OP, make sure you have all paperwork, ID, driving licence, social security card, passport, bank details etc etc somewhere safe that they cannot hide or lock away. Make sure all online passwords are secure. Make sure they cannot access your bank account. (was it one opened when you were under 18? They might still have full access).
Tiny-Rainbow (OP)
Yes getting all the legal stuff together and old bank is closed have a new one opened with my babe when I was 18 he didn't like my parents took 2 out of 3 job checks for rent when we were in covid rubs him the wrong way.
Honey. You are being gaslighted into sticking around because you are their plan for caring for your brother long term. Look closely at how they care for him, what his needs are and ask the hard questions.
What will they do with brother when the parents need elderly care? What is their financial plan for his lifetime? The answer to both of the above is you. If they cannot keep you contained in the home and drive a wedge between you and your fiancé, they lose their long term plan.
NTA - you’re a grown up and don’t need your parents permission for anything. This is not normal. Get some therapy since you think them controlling and manipulating you is normal, it’s not.
Tiny-Rainbow (OP)
Well I don't think the are controlling me like that just some anxious helicopter parents and my folks just love me a little too much? I do want therapy so maybe I am blind to it but its not like i change them but thank you for your feedback I feel less crazy for sneaking around.
Loving parents want their children to learn and be independent. They want their children to have fulfilling lives away from their childhood home and are supportive of those goals, they help them move out/clean the new place/set up the furniture and then go back home and hope they did everything they could to set you up for success.
Controlling/abusive parents are the ones who never want their children to leave and actively try and guilt/make them stay. You’re an adult, it’s okay to live your life how you want. Move in with your fiancé, have your dream wedding, start living your life for you.
As a single mom, I secretly dread the day my kids spread their wings and leave my nest but I’ll be so proud and supportive of them (I’ll wait to cry til I get home, but I’ll also know I set them up to succeed).