'AITA for saying that my parents’ comments infantilizing me for my life choices and being disabled were demeaning and hurtful?'
"AITA for saying that my parents’ comments infantilizing me for my life choices and being disabled were demeaning and hurtful?"
My parents are small business owners. When I (25f) was in high school and community college I used to work there and after college I started working an hour a week doing payroll stuff for them and sometimes cashiering on weekends. I have been helping a lot this summer because one employee, Haley (25f) went on maternity leave for her second child.
I don't dislike Haley but I feel jealous of her because when Haley and her husband had her first baby 5 years ago I was still working there and they threw her a baby shower at work but didn't do anything for my associates degree graduation that year and said it wasn't work related even though having a baby isn't work related either.
I have multiple severe mental illnesses and I wasn't able to handle the same course load/work hours as my peers. I finished a degree as a part time student while working and graduated at 24, then I became a substitute teacher for other special needs kids.
When I was around 20 several "aunties" (not biologically related but like family) brought up the topic of permanent birth control because they knew that I wanted to get married in the future but wasn't stable enough to parent.
It was a pretty straightforward decision since I had an inheritable disability and I had been living with eating disorders since I was 6 and was worried about malnutrition related birth defects, but said that I felt I was too young to do anything irreversible at the time.
I scheduled it last year and the operation took place a week after my 25th birthday. I'm not married yet but in a new relationship and am happy being childfree but not happy with the demeaning comments from my parents.
I was visiting my parents for the 4th of July weekend. They said that I was just a baby compared to all the other employees. I said that Haley is my age so we are both babies.
They immediately said "But Haley's different, you're just a kid and she's a married mom of two." I asked if it would be okay to tell Haley that she's a baby because she never finished a degree.
They immediately said "what a cruel thing to say to someone" with horrified looks on their faces. I said that if it's cruel to call her a baby over something she hasn't accomplished it's equally cruel to say it to me.
They said that they didn't mean it in a hurtful way and I said that they themselves said it was a cruel thing to say and still decided it was ok to say to me. They immediately said that "that's different" and "you wouldn't understand" when I asked how exactly it was different, which seems like a cop out to me.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your parents are awful. Stop working for them and limit your contact with them.
I bet all her anxiety comes from her parents.
NTA. You're telling them that what they said is hurtful to you. That's what you're supposed to do. They're supposed to apologize and not do it again. I'm sorry that they are letting you down.
You need a new job ASAP. The reason it’s different is that you’re their kid; thus they should be treating you BETTER, not WORSE. NTA.
I do have another job, I just help out sometimes when school is not in session.
Yeah, don’t do that. Find something else to supplement your income. It effing sucks because they’re your parents but they are disrespecting you and you dont owe it to them to keep acting as their punching bag.
That's an employee you, you are their child is the first "how its different" that comes to mind. If you don't like your parents, stop working with them. Y'all are either at or nearing the "lets find reasons to be upset/cruel/insulting to each other stage". NTA.
NTA. It makes sense your parents see you more as a baby since you are, literally, their baby. But it doesn’t mean comments like that aren’t demeaning and hurtful. I think your point was well made.
NTA.....but let me offer you a small piece of advice as a mentally ill adult who long suffered from eating disorders. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Live your own life and if you can, downgrade your parents from constant daily appearances to special treats. You'll appreciate them all the more.
If you need someone to say it, I’ll say that I’m proud of you for finishing your education even with disabilities and mental health struggles. It took me ten years to get an undergraduate degree because young adulthood was hell for me. NTA for standing up to your parents belittling you.
NTA. I am so sorry that happened to you. This is the mildest kind of mentally/emotionally abusive BS that I escaped when I joined the US Navy over 15 years ago. I'm a veteran and (not by choice) single mother now and I would NEVER say something like that to ANYONE!
NTA, everyone is on their own timeline and you’re accomplished a lot! I’m sorry this is your dynamic with your parents - hopefully they will grow up and start treating you better. I think it’s awesome that you are subbing with special needs kids because you’ll never treat them this way.
NTA, and I really like the way you kept asking questions designed to make them reflect on their choice of words and behavior. It doesn’t mean it will change anything, but you will feel empowered by your ability to stand up for yourself and call out demeaning behavior as it happens.
They will be on the back foot, having to defend themselves. Keep it that way and keep up the good work. Feel no guilt about holding them accountable. One thing: Celebrating a graduation at work is not a thing. It should have happened at home, so let go of your resentment about it not happening at work. It’s not a good look for you.
It’s a shame they didn’t step up to honor your accomplishments with family and friends, but that speaks more to their failings than anything else. Fly, bird, fly! It’s time to spread your wings and look for other work. You will not get the recognition or validation you seek from your parents, so move on.