'AITA for saying my parents need some help to accept my half sister choosing her mom over us?'
"AITA for saying my parents need some help to accept my half sister choosing her mom over us?"
My parents met when my half sister was 2. My dad and half sister's mom were not together and dad had primary custody of my half sister at the time. Her mom was in prison for something.
She got out when my half sister was 3 and got visitation and then some custody. But she was flaky and inconsistent. My parents got married and had me (17m), my sister (15f) and brother (13m) after a few years.
I remember my half sister always being willing to drop us if her mom showed up. She'd turn mom down for stuff because she was hoping her mom would do it instead.
Sometimes she'd agree to stuff with mom and if her mom was like yeah I'll come she told mom not to go with her and she wanted her real mom to be there. My parents had my half sister in therapy, they talked to her about respecting plans and not playing with people.
But she never cared if she hurt our feelings. There was a time she literally ran out of my birthday dinner because her mom texted to meet her and dad chased her down but she kept going. She said she was going to spend time with her mom regardless of what anyone else wanted and when he asked about me she said I wasn't her real brother anyway.
When my half sister turned 18 she went to live with her mom and they bounced around for a year before my half sister got her own place. Then she moved her mom in and let her mom live there whenever she wanted.
She really didn't show up to anything with our family once she left but after that it was even less. She answered calls less often too. Then she got married at 21 and her mom was there. My parents feelings were so hurt and my sister's feelings were too because her only sister got married and didn't want her there.
Contact went up a little a while after the wedding but we only saw her once and she didn't bring her husband with her. Then my parents became more upset when they learned my half sister had a baby and didn't tell any of us she was pregnant.
My dad called and tried to set up a chance for us to see each other and meet the baby but she had excuses and then told him she was giving her mom lots of time with the baby.
My parents became super obsessed with her socials after that and were sad every time she shared something about her mom with her baby. But there was a lot of times it wasn't photos and was just stuff she'd write and she'd talk about how those infrequent visits were amazing.
Then she showed up to my dad's job and brought her kid so he could meet his grandchild but said no to letting my mom or any of us join to meet the baby. So we still never met the baby and I'm not bothered.
My sister is but my parents most of all. They are so upset that she'd choose an inconsistent mom who's been to prison over a family who were there and stable throughout her childhood.
My parents discussed it in front of me the other weekend when my siblings weren't home so I brought up how I thought they should get some help to accept things. I said they're so distracted by her choices that it's spilling into them being here for us and we're all still here.
They were surprised but said they'd talk about it and then my grandma asked me why I tried to shame them. My parents said they had never said that and all they did was ask if she'd noticed.
She was saying I wouldn't understand because I'm not a parent but they don't need help to accept anything because they're allowed to be hurt and struggle with the fact one of their children is choosing a flake over them and bringing their grandchildren up to do the same.
Which then brought up that my half sister is pregnant again, I guess. Who knows anymore? Grandma got kicked out for what she said and my parents apologized. But am I too harsh on them? AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You made a valid point to your parents that they need to consider, NTA.
NTA -- you were telling them the cold hard truth, but they aren't ready to hear it. Your half-sister, for some reason, values her relationship with her birth mom more highly than the family that your dad and your mom created and nurtured her. The only thing they can do is leave the door wide open, and hope that some day, she walks through it.
They will learn to accept it some day, but as anything with a much-loved child, it will always be an ache that never quite goes away. And maybe at some point, when the child is older, they will seek out their "other' family. Wouldn't you love to know what kind of garbage her birth mother has been filling her head with with regards to your mom?
Jakoyeyy (OP)
I don't even think her mom had to do anything for her to be this way with my mom. I always wondered if her mom said stuff or if it was someone else who made her believe her mom would love her more if she rejected my mom.
The whole thing is so messed up and I feel bad for my parents. But I don't see her ever coming around to us. She's posted on socials about wishing for more involved grandparents and then she rejects the two who would be involved.
It’s ok for them to feel hurt over the half sister’s choices, but the moment their actions shadows those emotions over the rest of the kids, is when it stops being ok. You were right in suggesting they get help, since they don’t want to see it themselves. Try to have a proper sit down, where you tell them your feelings and how it’s affecting everyone else. NTA. By the way, screw the grandma.
Jakoyeyy (OP)
I don't want to push it again too soon. But I'll talk to them again soon if they seem to be stalling. I love my parents and I don't want to make them feel like garbage. Just I hate how much this has impacted our whole family.
And seeing them be so depressed kills me because I know they struggle with how we ended up here with my half sister. They always thought she'd come around as she got older and saw the stability we offered.
Your parents are drowning in grief over your half sister's choices, but it is starting to overshadow the kids who are still there. Suggesting they get help isn't shaming, it's looking out for everyone, including them.