Wife tells 'mama's boy' husband, 'If I knew that before, I wouldn't have married you.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my husband, 'If I knew that before I wouldn't marry you'"
YEETmy_my__guy
My husband and I have been together for 4 years now. His family is great, but after a year of dating, we moved in together and I started noticing that his dad was always calling him 4 of 5 times a day.
Which I didn't mind, but it was odd my husband was getting frustated every time his dad called. My husband explained that he has always felt bad saying no to them or not answering his calls.
By the way, they have an older son that never answers the phone when called for the same reason. I told him that there is always to say no or to tell him not call when he was busy without been rude.
So, he did and everything was fine for a period. I started noticing that on Mothers Day he would only take MIL to eat with his dad, without me been included. Which I find odd because I am a mom too.
Where I come from (Puerto Rico), we celebrate all the mothers in general. But I didn't think too much about it. I really thought it was more of a cultural thing for him (EU).
So, a year ago, I got pregnant, And, after the baby was born, his parents started showing up much more often. Which I didn't mind because I thought they had baby fever. I was wrong.
My FIL just wanted to come by since they don't go anywhere and the rest of the family doesn't invite them places. Since the baby's arrival, my husband has had to change his schedule to help me more since I work from home while I take care of the baby, plus all the household stuff.
Now, when my husband does have his days off, my FIL pesters him to work on his cars or to do other personals stuff with husband. For some reason, he dosen't understand that his son is married and has other priorities now. which his wife (my MIL) is always apologizing to me for. But, my husband does'nt say "no" either, so my FIL dosen't care much.
A few weeks ago, their car broke down and he went to "rescue them" while I was working (around 11:00 Am). Mind you, it was one of his days off. So at almost 9:00 pm and I texted him and asked him if he was working on their car he said no, that they were waiting for the tow truck.
So, I asked why he was still there and he replied back saying "because I'm making sure my mom is safe". Which I get, but she was not alone. My FIL was there and there was no real reason for my husband to be there instead of being with his baby and his wife.
Yesterday we were laying down in bed and I was watching a video that he was listening to and it was saying that a wife should come first. He said, "no, it's the mother who comes first."
I looked at him and told him, "well if that is your mind set you shouldn't have married me in the first place and you should have just stayed with your mom." I attempted to explain to him why, once you are married. your new family should always come first.
He replied by saying "that's the woman's perspective and not everyone thinks like that". To which I replied back, "If I knew that was your perspective I wouldn't have married you." He got upset and he stopped talking to me. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Prestigious_Elk353
NTA. His parents are clearly negatively impacting your marriage. And his response is effectively “so what, they’re more important”. There’s some nastiness in these replies.
This place is a cesspool of misogyny at times. Of course if people are providing alternative perspective without just trashing you that’s healthy. But you aren’t a bad person or awful wife or selfish. x
Sad_Construction_668
NTA. Placing mom above wife in importance is really disordered relationship stuff. Combined with the Father only socializing with his kids and not having an outside life, that’s not healthy. You’re in for a difficult time, whether he changes, and upsets his family, or doesn’t , and you stay, or you leave. I’m sorry.
piemakerdeadwaker
NTA. He needs to set some boundaries with his parents or you should leave because right now it doesn't seem like he values you at all. You were right in what you said, if he was not ready to accomodate his wife then he shouldn't have gotten married.
forgeris
NTA. It is the truth and you said it, but I don't see how you can change him. Also, it was your choice to look past all these signs and ignore his "yes mom" and "yes dad" behavior so you can't put blame on him.
We are responsible for our own actions and now you have to live with consequences. Not sure if you can convince someone that believes that his mother comes first when actually his child is first, then wife, then mother/father/siblings.
ladancer22
His child should come first. Then his wife. Then his parents/siblings. If he’s running all around for his family when he’s supposed to be taking care of your child that is wrong. Y’all need to establish boundaries to deal with in laws, I agree with others that it is very clear he has no intentions of changing.
Either you need to identify personal boundaries and stick to them, or you both need to go to couples counseling together to work this out. But it is completely unfair to you and your baby for him to be behaving this way.
ERVetSurgeon
Unless you want to live like this the rest of your life, time to get a divorce. He will never change and mommy won't let him.