'AITA for being angry my parents are using 'my money' for my brother's education?'
"AITA for being angry my parents are using 'my money' for my brother's education?"
I've (30F) been financially independent since graduating college. I worked practically full-time while studying, recently paid off my student loans on my own, and just started saving to buy a home. I didn’t apply to grad school because I couldn’t afford it, and my parents made it pretty clear growing up that we needed to stand on our own after high school.
My brother (22M) is honestly a genius. He worked really hard in school, got a full academic ride to a great state school, and graduated with honors. I'm so, so proud of him. The problem now is he recently got into an extremely prestigious grad program that would open a lot of doors for him.
He was hoping for scholarships or a paid internship to cover most of it, but it’s not enough. Now he’s facing tuition and housing costs in one of the most expensive cities in the country.
My parents asked if I could help out and suggested I contribute around $15,000 to get him through the first year. They’d match it, and he’d take loans for the rest. I said no. I’ve been working for over a decade on my own goals, and I’m just now starting to save for a house. I don't feel comfortable putting that on hold, especially when I had to turn down opportunities because there was no help available to me.
During the conversation, my mom got frustrated and said they’d be using my “other fund” to help him instead. I asked what she meant, and she said they had set aside about $25,000 for me back when I was in college, meant to be used for a future wedding. I was completely blindsided. I had no idea this fund existed.
I asked why I wasn’t told about it when I was considering grad school, or now while I’m saving for a home. She said it was always intended for a wedding, not school or property, and since I haven’t needed it (I’m not engaged or in a relationship), they decided to give it to my brother because he has a more immediate need.
I'm not going to lie, I was pi^%$d. I never got a chance to make a case for how I could’ve used that money, and now it’s just being handed over to someone else. I told them I felt hurt and left out. My mom said I was being unfair, and that the money was never promised, and if I didn’t want it for a wedding, then it made sense to use it for something meaningful.
My brother told me he didn’t know about the wedding fund either, and he understands why I’d be upset, but said he didn’t ask for it. He just wants to go to school and thought we were all trying to support each other. I know my brother worked hard and isn’t trying to take anything from me. But I can’t help feeling like my parents are punishing me for being practical.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Those are really sexist expectations. If they wanted to financially support you they could give you the choice of using the funds for education, or travel, a home or a wedding (that's what I've done with my daughters, who I've been saving for since they were born).
But, despite it being an AH move, it is their choice how they spend their money. And it is presumably still their money, rather than an account in your name. So in practice the AH element was telling you that it was your money in the same move that they snatched it away from you again (though it was really the sexism that underpinned that decision, which has clearly been their all along).
Throwaway3568476985 (OP)
That's the part that really upset me. Assuming they set aside money for both of us, why is he worth paying for grad school for but I'm only worth paying for a wedding?
Not to pile on but it's worse than that: they expected you to pay for your own education AND his grad school. I'd be hurt too.
What they're doing is saying in a roundabout way, "Look we didn't pay for your graduate school but we're paying for his...but really it's your own fault somehow. We're giving you the blame for our obvious sexism."
NTA. Not surprised they saved it for a wedding since you are female and they won’t let you use it for school or something else. But they can’t let their precious golden child son go without. If I were you I would go no contact with your parents. I suspect this is a one off of your brother getting special treatment.
Throwaway3568476985 (OP)
They've never favored him like this before. I tried to point out that I paid off my student loans just fine and it wouldn't kill him to have to do the same.
NTA your parents are completely sexist. It was ok to save for your wedding but not your education. It is ok to give to your brother for his education but it seems he does not have a wedding fund. Mum and dad are AH.
Throwaway3568476985 (OP)
Allegedly they have money set aside for both of us. My mom said that I didn't want to go to grad school since I never applied, or else they might have had a discussion back then about the money. I think that's BS.
NTA. But your mom meant to hurt you with that statement. Probably to get you to feel bad and give what they want. Your parents are AHs for ever telling you about it.
NTA. But I don't believe there is a "hidden" fund. I think mom just wanted to hurt your feelings because you weren't acquiescing to her demands, and made it up.
Almost a month later, the OP returned with an update.
Just to clarify, I have no intention of cutting my parents out over this. They let me live at home rent-free during college, gave me a lot of academic support growing up (I wasn’t a naturally strong student like my brother), and have always been loving in most other ways. This situation hurt, but it doesn’t erase everything they’ve done for me.
Mother’s Day was tense. As soon as I arrived, my mom said, “I don’t want another fight to ruin today,” when I tried to bring up the money again. I left after brunch. We finally talked this past weekend. My brother said he hadn’t known about the “wedding fund” until I brought it up and felt awful it was causing tension.
He’s rethinking grad school now, saying it might be smarter to get work experience first. He applied to MBA programs and jobs while finishing undergrad, graduated early in December, and got into the program he planned to attend. Now he’s planning to defer and focus on the job search instead.
He also told me our parents had said I might help with the cost. He’d planned to pay me back but realized he wouldn’t earn anything for a few years and would still set me back. That’s part of why he reconsidered.
My mom wasn’t happy. She said she didn’t want him giving up an amazing opportunity just because I was “being bitter.” That really stung. I told her I wasn’t bitter, I was blindsided.
I found out about the money during a conversation where I was being asked to hand over $15,000 for someone else’s future. That was painful, especially since I’d turned down opportunities because no help was available. I just wish I’d known.
That’s when my dad stepped in. After I was born, he started saving for what he imagined as my dream wedding. It was sentimental to him. When my brother was born, they saved a similar amount for his wedding or family expenses.
Neither of us knew these funds existed. They only considered using his for school when other aid fell short. After I said no, they decided to use both funds to help him and figured they’d replenish mine later.
I get why it made sense to them, but it still hurt. Many commenters pointed out the situation was sexist, even if unintentionally. It’s hard not to feel like I was expected to get married while my brother was expected to succeed.
I don’t think that’s what they meant, but that’s how it felt. To their credit, they listened. My dad apologized for not telling me sooner. My mom didn’t fully agree, but I think she heard me.
My brother asked if I’d help with his resume and interview prep, and I said yes. I told him I know this isn’t his fault. He’s worked hard and deserves what he’s earned. I just needed to feel like my path mattered too. We’re not back to 100%, but it feels better. I’m glad we talked.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
So glad to hear that you moved it forward and that your family members each made their own efforts. Sounds like a good family.
Throwaway3568476985 (OP)
My brother's a good kid. honestly the silence the past few weeks has been super weird since we usually send each other memes at least a few times a week.
Your mother has some deep seated issues. Be careful with that. Good luck to you all!
Yikes, poor OP. The parents could have used the funds without telling her anything about it and just go on their merry way, but the mom wanted to "punish" her for not immediately helping her favorite child.
Your brother seems like the only decent person in your family. Honestly, it is better to get some work experience before getting an MBA, but unless he makes bank during his years off, expect this issue to come up again.
Your mother has some deep seated issues. Be careful with that. Good luck to you all!