Woman shocked after parents give her secret wedding fund to brother for grad school. AITA?
"My parents are forcing me to pay for my brothers grad school using money they never told me about. AITA?"
I've (30F) been financially independent since graduating college. I worked practically full-time while studying, recently paid off my student loans on my own, and just started saving to buy a home. I didn’t apply to grad school because I couldn’t afford it, and my parents made it pretty clear growing up that we needed to stand on our own after high school.
My brother (22M) is honestly a genius. He worked really hard in school, got a full academic ride to a great state school, and graduated with honors. I'm so, so proud of him. The problem now is he recently got into an extremely prestigious grad program that would open a lot of doors for him.
He was hoping for scholarships or a paid internship to cover most of it, but it’s not enough. Now he’s facing tuition and housing costs in one of the most expensive cities in the country.
My parents asked if I could help out and suggested I contribute around $15,000 to get him through the first year. They’d match it, and he’d take loans for the rest. I said no. I’ve been working for over a decade on my own goals, and I’m just now starting to save for a house. I don't feel comfortable putting that on hold, especially when I had to turn down opportunities because there was no help available to me.
During the conversation, my mom got frustrated and said they’d be using my “other fund” to help him instead. I asked what she meant, and she said they had set aside about $25,000 for me back when I was in college, meant to be used for a future wedding. I was completely blindsided. I had no idea this fund existed.
I asked why I wasn’t told about it when I was considering grad school, or now while I’m saving for a home. She said it was always intended for a wedding, not school or property, and since I haven’t needed it (I’m not engaged or in a relationship), they decided to give it to my brother because he has a more immediate need.
I'm not going to lie, I was pissed. I never got a chance to make a case for how I could’ve used that money, and now it’s just being handed over to someone else. I told them I felt hurt and left out. My mom said I was being unfair, and that the money was never promised, and if I didn’t want it for a wedding, then it made sense to use it for something meaningful.
My brother told me he didn’t know about the wedding fund either, and he understands why I’d be upset, but said he didn’t ask for it. He just wants to go to school and thought we were all trying to support each other. I know my brother worked hard and isn’t trying to take anything from me. But I can’t help feeling like my parents are punishing me for being practical.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Those are really sexist expectations. If they wanted to financially support you they could give you the choice of using the funds for education, or travel, a home or a wedding (that's what I've done with my daughters, who I've been saving for since they were born).
But, despite it being an AH move, it is their choice how they spend their money. And it is presumably still their money, rather than an account in your name. So in practice the AH element was telling you that it was your money in the same move that they snatched it away from you again (though it was really the sexism that underpinned that decision, which has clearly been their all along).
Throwaway3568476985 (OP)
That's the part that really upset me. Assuming they set aside money for both of us, why is he worth paying for grad school for but I'm only worth paying for a wedding?
Not to pile on but it's worse than that: they expected you to pay for your own education AND his grad school. I'd be hurt too.
What they're doing is saying in a roundabout way, "Look we didn't pay for your graduate school but we're paying for his...but really it's your own fault somehow. We're giving you the blame for our obvious sexism."
NTA. Not surprised they saved it for a wedding since you are female and they won’t let you use it for school or something else. But they can’t let their precious golden child son go without. If I were you I would go no contact with your parents. I suspect this is a one off of your brother getting special treatment.
Throwaway3568476985 (OP)
They've never favored him like this before. I tried to point out that I paid off my student loans just fine and it wouldn't kill him to have to do the same.
NTA your parents are completely sexist. It was ok to save for your wedding but not your education. It is ok to give to your brother for his education but it seems he does not have a wedding fund. Mum and dad are AH.
Throwaway3568476985 (OP)
Allegedly they have money set aside for both of us. My mom said that I didn't want to go to grad school since I never applied, or else they might have had a discussion back then about the money. I think that's BS.
NTA. But your mom meant to hurt you with that statement. Probably to get you to feel bad and give what they want. Your parents are AHs for ever telling you about it.
NTA. But I don't believe there is a "hidden" fund. I think mom just wanted to hurt your feelings because you weren't acquiescing to her demands, and made it up.