'AITA for losing it with my parents for pushing me to forgive my cheating ex?' UPDATED
"AITA for losing it with my parents for pushing me to forgive my cheating ex?"
Lost my cool with my (27f) parents (57f, 59m) for pushing me to forgive my cheating ex. I was to be married in July. Two months ago I came home from a work trip to find my ex fiance in bed with my bff's sister.
I kicked him out, canceled the wedding, warned him I would get rid of his stuff if he didn't come get it all then weeks later dumped it all on the curbside with a FREE sign, sold or donated or dumped everything he gave me, and pawned the ring.
I blocked him everywhere. Called the cops on him when he showed up (after I gave his stuff away) banging on my door, called them again when he turned up at my workplace and made a scene, and called them on his family when they showed up in mass to plead his case.
I didn't go scorched earth on ex bff's sister. I did tell her husband I caught her in bed with my ex. Last I heard she'd been kicked out of the house and was back living with her parents.
Ex bff tried talking me into giving them both a chance to explain (what? No) then got angry at me for ruining her sister's relationship, called me petty and cold hearted. So I kicked her to the curb too.
I don't want dishonest people that are blasé about betrayal in my life. This encounter no doubt simmered under my skin until I unleashed on my parents. Maybe that’s the reason, because it lingered, I was so harsh with them.
Last week I met my parents for dinner. I took a date with me to the restaurant hoping his being there would waylay any discussion about my failed engagement. My parents have been pressuring me to work things out with the ex.
He's so, so sorry. I owe it to him to talk with him. Give him 5 minutes to explain himself. She meant nothing to him, he made a mistake. I'm cruel for shutting him out the way I have. How could I call the police on him? How could I do the same to his family? His parents?
They're good people, they didn't deserve to be humiliated in that manner. He's having a rough time. He's depressed. Everybody is worried about him. He loves me, really loves me. He's learned his lesson. It's time to grow up and forgive him.
No. My date's presence didn’t stop them from bringing it all up again. I lost my cool. Asked my father if he expected me to give my ex a pass every time he sticks his deeeeek into anything that moves? Like he does.
I asked my mother how turning a blind eye to her husband's infidelity works for her. How does she hold her head up while having lunch with women that have slept around with her husband for years? Is that the kind of men, the life she wants for me and my sister?
For her daughters? I asked if they had any idea of the impact that knowledge had on me and my siblings growing up. Knowing that dad was late home from work because he was screwing his secretary.
Knowing "work weekend" was code for dirty weekend with a woman not our mother. Did they not know why it was that of their four children, I am the only one that still talks to them?
Do they not question why they were not invited to my brothers weddings? Why they have never met either of my brothers wives and children? Do they think my sister's silence is because she's being dramatic and throwing a tantrum? Really?
I stood from the table, congratulated them on the loss of their last, remaining child, and told them I hoped their arrogance, willful blindness, and misery was a comfort them to their last breaths. Then I left.
My date, I should've saved him for a proper date rather than a f-you to my parents, took me to the nearest bar, let me cry on his shoulder while I proceeded to get hammered, then made sure I got home safely.
The next day he messaged me to see if I was alive and sent a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a large Sprite over with DoorDash. I didn't block my parents but I haven't heard from them. It's been a week and I've calmed down enough to feel regret. Not for what I said, but because I can see the looks on their faces when I made my final farewell.
I crushed them, hurt them, especially my mother. Despite their faults, and there are many, I love my parents. I don't like knowing I hurt them. I'm feeling a lot of guilt about it. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Englishbirdy
NTA. Well maybe to the date but he seemed to take it well. Good for you for not taking back a cheater, what's wrong with all these people who think you should have?
sissysindy109
Seems like she has had too much experience with cheaters. No wonder she doesn’t tolerate that bs.
I tried to read more comments, but no one said something as close to what I told you as this guy - again you took it and send it back with a bang. He is slightly wrong though, its not necessary you will alienate all people with this attitude or that you will loose the ones that care. Just the ones that matter including your character.
The attitude will define you, your problems will be different but have the same cause. It will take time, but when you do start questioning it and reading Gabor Mate, Jordan Peterson, ... , and do start to actually process it then remember someone did tell you there is a better way. All the best to you and good luck!
ThrowRA_CowLife OP responded:
I cut out people that tried to excuse his behaviour. That's a very small number from the total of people in my life. You are taking tiny tid bits and trying to put together the whole picture. You're wrong. So stop talking out your a@$ and worry about yourself.
In the very small number of people are your parents, I am wrong of course. Keep it up.
ThrowRA_CowLife OP responded:
Yeah, you are wrong. And an insufferable know-it-all. You might have had something worthwhile to say, but you ruined it by behaving as though what you say is the only thing that matters. Take your own advice and work on yourself. Maybe then the next person you try to talk down to will be more receptive to your bull%$#t.
After reading the comments OP came back with these edits:
EDIT - I have yet to read all the comments, but from what I have seen so far, I think some details need to be cleared up. My date knew we were going to have dinner with my parents.
He asked me out that morning. I told him my plans for the evening and jokingly asked if he wanted to come along. I didn’t expect him to say yes. I then informed him I wasn't serious, and anyway, it would probably be a little uncomfortable, and he said if needed, he could post bail. So, there you go. He did not enter that restaurant unaware of potential drama.
EDIT #2 - The people mentioned in my post are not the only people in my life. I have my siblings in my life. They didn't cut me off. My sister flew in to be with me just days after I discovered the cheating. And I have good friends.
Friends who helped me pack up ex's things. Helped me to move it all down to the curb. A friend that found me a guy that paid a fair price for the engagement ring. I only mentioned ex, ex bff, etc, because how they acted and what they were saying contributed to all those buried feelings that had been dormant for years coming out when they did, in the way they did.
Then, 6 months later OP came back with this big update:
It's been a minute since I was here last. Life has been busy, work has been busy, and updating wasn't on my mind. Apologies to all those that continue to send messages asking for an update. I figure better late than never.
A quick recap. Lost my temper with my parents when they tried to push me to forgive and reconcile with my cheating ex. Some really hurtful and harsh truths were shared by me to them in the moment. Afterwards I felt tremendous guilt. The regret started to eat at me.
Where to start? First a thank you to all who replied to my post. I tried to read every comment, and though I didn't post for the validation most of you gave, receiving it did lighten the load a little bit. It didn’t take away from the guilt I carried, but I was able to work through that to see that although my timing was off, what I said was absolutely necessary.
Thank you, too, to some of those that sent me private messages rather than posting on the main thread. Having read your own stories of a similar upbringing, conversing with you has helped me to understand that my childhood and teens were traumatic. That those years left wounds that I'd never addressed until this all came about.
One more shout out to those that sent harassing messages about my choices. Those people that preached about the sanctity of marriage, and how men are basic creatures with basic needs. Those that attempted to school me in how to be a woman that needs to lean to do my duty by allowing a man his vices, and that it was really all my fault for not supporting my ex in his time of need.
Special shout out to the men that offered to teach me how to be submissive, and learn my place in this world. And last but not least, the sweet little chicken nugget that told me my reaction was proof that I am a serial cheater and my ex should have used a cattle prod on my happy place. It must've been tough for all of you when your women left. Big props to those ladies for escaping a life of misery with you.
Now for what has happened since.
My mother left my father not long after my post. Maybe a couple of weeks after. She showed up at my apartment one night with her luggage. I can't explain how broken and pitiful she was. I brought her inside, held her, and my heart broke for her. I realized then that she had no one she could turn to, absolutely no one.
No family, no friends. I cannot help but wonder if she had been all alone for all the years of her marriage, and if me or one of my siblings had said something sooner, would she have had the courage to leave my father then? I'd never seen my mother, usually so dignified and unruffled, look so broken.
It shocked me to see her that way. It worried me so much that I made her sleep in my bed with me. I called my siblings and within days they all came to show support and love. Then it was me, my mother, and my sister sleeping in my bed. It was good for her to see that her children still cared. Because we did care, we did love her. It was the situation my siblings distanced themselves from.
At first my mother stayed with me. She was having a hard time of it. Years of humiliation, shame and guilt ate at her. I was worried about her state of mind and didn't like to leave her alone. I couldn't take time off work to be with her every second of the day, so I took her to the shelter and we got her a dog. My thinking was if she had something to take care of, it would distract her from dark thoughts.
I was hoping for a puppy because they're playful and would keep her busy, but she fell in love with a 5 year old mixed breed, and he fell right back. He's a goof. We don't know how it happened but we woke up one night to him howling because he had somehow wedged his head in between the spindles on the stairs. His whole head. We had to call the fire department to rescue him.
Of course my mother didn't think he was at fault and she now refers to him as her baby. He adores my mother though. My oldest brother moved some things around then moved her across the country to live with him and his family. He thought she would do better if there was no chance of her running into dad or one of his many women. He found her a therapist and that seems to be working.
She is loving being a grandmother and all reports are that she is an indulgent one. She has a separate in-law suite so she gets to see them every day. My brother tells me when the kids go missing, they can now be found at grandma's.
My dad... is my dad. He doesn't lack for company. I had a dinner with him not long after my mother moved across the country where he introduced me to the new woman in his life. I reminded them both that I knew exactly who she was considering she called my mother her best friend for all my life. Cue another awkward dinner.
My dad tried to make it as pleasant as he could but whenever she spoke to me I would bring up a memory from my childhood of her spending time with our family and ask if she was sleeping with my father all the way back then. The next day he called to tell me how disappointed he was with me.
I felt it only fair to share my own disappointments. We argued for a bit. He tried to downplay all he had done over the years, tried to play the victim of his own actions. I ended up cutting the conversation short and blocking him. It was just over a month ago when he showed up at my door. I wouldn't let him in and I'm sure that rattled him some. He told me he didn't want to lose me too.
Say what you want about him but he is my dad. I love him. I don't want to lose him either. He promised he wouldn't force me to interact with any of his women. So far we have had a couple of pleasant outings that have gone well so far. I am cautiously hopeful that we can continue to be in each other's lives.
As for me, well, I took that advice some of you gave me and I am in therapy. It is humbling to come to the realization that though you may think you're fine, you are, actually, not. It has been almost unbearable to face all that history, and excruciatingly painful to dig through it all.
At the end of some sessions all I want to do is head to the nearest bar and drink until I forget all about what I just went through to find out where it all started, and why I am the way I am. I think therapy is one of the most difficult things I have ever done.
I don't know how some of you have been doing it for as long as you have. I also don't know why you do it so willingly. I'm a crazy nutter for listening to all you nutters in the first place. But it is helping.
Now, for the update most of you want. I can not even tell you how many messages I continue to receive from people wanting to know about him. It was almost like you all were saying "Girl, we don't care about whatever life crisis you're going through, just tell us about the date."
Well, I haven't replied to any of those queries because my post wasn't about him. Now, i figure, in a roundabout way, I owe you something because you all played a part in where we are today. I won't give a rundown of everything that has happened between us but I will give you a few things.
He contacted me after seeing a podcast on YouTube. He sent me a link with the query "Is this you?" It would be an understatement to say I was mortified. My mortification kept me from replying to him. I was so deep in my embarrassment that I didn’t even bother to read the messages he sent me over the next couple of weeks.
When I finally did read them it was to find a whole heap of screenshots of people's comments. I'm going out on a limb by saying you don't need me to tell you the contents of the comments he was sending me. I eventually got back to him. It was difficult for us to make time to see each other.
As I stated earlier, my life, both personal and professional, has been busy busy. He also has a life and work. We were only able to meet up for coffee a couple of times. I didn’t think we were going to be able to grow a friendship let alone anything beyond that. I've since learned that he is tenacious and persistent. Like a dog with a bone. He kept at it until we found time to go on a second date.
That date went well and lead to another. Then another. Then he introduced me to the two most important people in his life. His grandparents. His grandfather carves little wooden figurines and I have since acquired a flock of wooden birds. His grandmother thinks I'm too skinny. She feeds me whenever I see her, and usually sends me home with food.
He gets along with my sister and brothers. He came with me to visit my mother on her birthday and met them all. He was very gracious with her.
I had him saved in my phone as Cheeseburger. He took issue with that because he bought me a double cheeseburger. So I started calling him double cheese, and then shortened that to DC. He is still saved in my phone as Cheeseburger.
He's an undercover Swiftie and I don't quite know what to do with that. I don't have anything against Taylor Swift but I sure didn't pick him to love her. He did use his little sister and niece as cover for his Taylor Swift love. Now he uses me. I am fine with being so used.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
This was a great update -- thank you for taking the time.
I'm happy for you all around, even though you're still doing some damn hard work. I'm glad your mother has found both freedom and happiness. I hope you can maintain the balance with your father, though a big part of me wishes he'd really GET what he's done. And DC. Adorable. Good luck!!
It would be a great update if the dad was miserable. But no. The only one stands to suffer if OP's mom. She now has to start her life from scratch. She has no friends, only shame and guilt of all those years. She might even go back to him.
OP's father remains shameless and unaffected. He will continue dating the mistress and live an unbothered life surrounded by friends and relatives. Even OP and her siblings. This man loses nothing while her mother lost almost everything.
She didn't lose her right to choose. My mother chose to stay all those years, and she chose to walk away. Do you want to take that from her? Shelve her choice to live without him in the same category as her choice to spend decades with him?
All you can see is what she lost; friends who weren't really friends, a marriage that was one-sided, and a husband that brought her low. You're blind to what she has gained. But then, from two posts, you believe my siblings are in contact with my dad when I've clearly stated that I am the only one, so you failing to understand the dead weight she is now freed from really does not surprise me.
Now this was an update....I wish you the best, ask for a duck to go with those birds....LOL....I wish you a good life.
I asked for an owl, and he gave me a goose, lol.