'AITA for not forgiving my parents for treating the kids they adopted better than me?'
"AITA for not forgiving my parents for treating the kids they adopted better than me?"
I'm (25M) my parents only biological child. When I was 9 they started fostering and within a coupe of months my younger siblings were brought into our family. They're bio siblings and my parents stopped fostering other kids after they moved in with us so they could focus on adopting Emma and Luke (fake names).
Emma and Luke had trauma and behavioral issues because of their trauma. My parents told me that and said we needed to be understanding. But that mindset of they need understanding and my parents not wanting to punish or give consequences remained throughout my childhood and adolescence.
Emma and Luke could break things without consequences, got to stay up late without being asked to try and sleep first, they got first priority at dinner for food and lots of other similar things.
A few weeks after they moved in with us Emma threw a tantrum because of the toys I had and she smashed five of them. My mom calmed her down and babied her after it and told me I needed to let it go.
She and dad told me they weren't worth replacing when we knew they'd be broken again. Another time Luke was bored so he started opening all the DVD boxes and throwing them at the wall.
Most of my movie collection was among them and anything he threw was beyond saving. My parents shrugged it off. There were times Emma and Luke were fighting and throwing their toys at each other and mine got caught in the fight too and were broken and it was like oh well.
But the time I fell and broke a toy I was holding and my parents were mad and told me they spent enough money replacing toys without me doing it. And mine was a total accident and I had two cut knees and was still being lectured without any comfort from them.
There was another time I broke a glass because mom got the floor wet and I didn't see in time. Dad was in the kitchen when it happened and he called me careless and told me he should make me replace it but Emma or Luke could slam them on the table and break them and nothing was said.
At dinner they got to fill their plates first. If they said they were starving and I didn't leave anything when I took my share my parents would scold me. The other thing was if we went out and after I got a job and paid for my stuff, if I got the last of something and Luke or Emma wanted it my parents would talk to me like a child who took it out of their hand.
My parents would lecture me for only buying treats for myself too. Or if I didn't share my food when Luke or Emma didn't get enough. There were other things and there's so much I could get into.
But this stuff happened all the time and I got so sick of it. I tried to communicate my feelings with my parents. I tried to involve other people to help me bring this to my parents attention and it did no good so I went very low contact. So low that we see each other at most twice a year and never talk over the phone.
My parents confronted me at the first (and maybe only) time we saw each other this year, which happened at a family member's house. They wanted to know why I'm so distant and why I didn't introduce them to my boyfriend and why they hear nothing from me. And why I don't even talk to Emma or Luke.
I told them I had explained why so many times before and briefly touched on my issues with them again. They told me it wasn't fair to hold a grudge and to refuse to forgive them. They said they want to be in my life. And they even asked why I never told them I was gay.
They told me we could never have a future if I don't forgive them and I said I don't forgive them and I moved on. This upset them enough to have them venting to other family members who warned me they were unhappy. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. And point out to them (if you ever bother speaking to them again) that you're showing them the same amount of love and concern for their feelings as they showed for you growing up. If that bothers them, it should.
NTA. Forgiveness actually requires somebody to be apologetic. They are basically telling you to get over it, same as when you were a kid without any actual remorse or self reflection. It sounds like they do not bring any value to your life so you have every right to cut them out of your life. They chose their kids and you were not included in that.
NTA. They wanted an explanation, you gave them one. Not your problem that they didn’t accept it.
NTA. Time to go from low contact to no contact. Also, let those meddling family members know they're next on the list to be cut out.
If they want to vent to family members you should tell the family members exactly why you cut contact. Your parents neglected you in favour of your siblings. They blatantly favoured your siblings to the detriment of your feelings of safety and security.
Honestly your parents should be grateful you give them 2 visits a year. Proud of you for taking your own trauma (because neglect is trauma) and not letting it define your life. Keep living your life and don’t let your parents get you down. NTA.
NTA... damn straight. Those parents sound like total narcissists, always putting their precious snowflakes first while you got shafted. I mean, the dude's a vegan now and has a boyfriend, he's owning his life despite all that trauma!
You go ahead and keep those boundaries firm, OP, you deserve to thrive without all that toxic baggage holding you back. Oh, and congrats on completing 10 marathons, that's some hardcore dedication right there!