"AITA for demanding my husband quit his job?"
A year ago my husband got a really great job. He loves it. It over doubled our income. The problem is he's never here. It requires a lot of travel and he's gone more of the month than he's home.
We have three kids. 8, 6, 3. We have two dogs. I am run ragged. I don't have any family to help me. I don't have time for friends. It's never ending. Cleaning, kids, cooking, kids, dogs, dogs, school, kids, cleaning cleaning kids CLEANING COOKING CLEANING. No time for me whatsoever.
Before my husband got this job we worked opposite schedules. I worked in a restaurant/bar in the evenings. Didn't pay great but a couple really good friends worked there with me.
It was how I socialized. Now that he's gone, I couldn't work that job since nobody watches kids at night. Now I work a part time retail job I hate with what are essentially children (in comparison to me). I don't get to socialize like I used to. I only work the hours my kids are in school.
But we have after school activities, homework, dogs, dinner, never ending chores, etc. THERE IS NO TIME FOR ME. I don't even get to sleep alone since my 6 year old has night terrors.
When my husband was here, things felt more divided. I still did a lot during the day, but it wasn't never ending. There would still be days I didn't have to worry about lunches or bath time or homework because my husband would pick up the slack. I could go out with friends from time to time.
Don't even get me started on what it's like when the kids get sick and then I inevitably get sick. It's absolute misery and he's not around to see it. I'm left drowning.
But he doesn't want to quit. He loves his job and that's fair. I can see he's way happier now, but what about me? Don't I matter? I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this. I demanded for the sake of my sanity he quit his job, but he exploded. He thinks we're doing better than ever.
We could get a bigger house soon (we live in 2 bedroom rancher but I like it). That the kids will have so many more opportunities, etc, and he's not wrong, but what about me?!?!?! AITA?
Verdict: No A-holes Here (per post flair, but most of the top comments are either NTA or outraged on OP's behalf). Someone suggested I add additional context OOP gives in the comments: [Re: the nanny/cleaner suggestions]
I personally don't have any extra money at the end of the month. I use it all on food, gas, pre school which is $40 a day etc. My husband pays the mortgage, hydro, etc, and also paying off our debts (almost done yay!).
After that he wants to look into getting a bigger house. He is saying we don't have enough extra for luxuries like that. He's never allowed me access to his money and he's never asked for access to mine. He likes things split. Thing have gotten weird.
They aren't my kids. They are his sisters kids (she's an addict and in my opinion a lost cause, always in and out of jail), but we've had the oldest since they were a little over a year. I am very attached to them. They call me mom.
Before we give you OP's three updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
newline75 writes:
NTA. This is going to be hard to hear but you need to hear and you need to start taking steps to separate yourself from the kids and husband. Those kids are not yours, regardless of whether or not you love them. They're not yours and not your responsibility.
sleepingtrough writes:
ESH - Your husband is an unimaginable AH. If you’re doing 100% of caring for the home and the children that you stepped up to provide for after HIS sister was unable to, he should be paying for daycare, food, and basically ALL the family expenses.
davegdg writes:
NTA. Scrolling through the comments all I can say is, this marriage you're in is fucked up. I work a job where I'm away from home a lot, we got 3 kids, but I couldn't even imagine being as selfish as your husband is.
Him not helping at all at home. Him keeping all his extra income for himself. You say he's paying off debts but let me guess...all those debts are only in his name. Him taking in three kids that the two of you couldn't realistically take adequate care of.
This marriage is not working. It's not even marriage. This is a fucked up business arrangement that only benefits him and him alone. You're not benefiting and those kids are definitely not benefiting.
This is the only picture they have on what a marriage should be. Imagine them in 20 years treating their wives/husbands like this. Find a way to get out this. It's not going to get better for you if you don't.
And now, OP's update:
Update 1: I sent this to my husband. A lot of people are saying he abuses me. I know in my heart this is NOT his intention.
He is NOT a bad man. I want him to read through everything and really think about it and how much I'm struggling and how desperately I need his help. So many of you agree with me that I can't do it all and I'm very thankful I'm not alone in those thoughts.
Update 2: I just got off the phone with my husband. We talked for awhile. Naturally he's quite upset and is feeling rather defensive, but he is very sorry. That is not an easy thing for him to say yet he said it very clearly multiple times.
He is going to try to catch a flight home tomorrow. He going to take a week or two off work to help me get some things set up in place for me. Hiring some housecleaning and some baby sitting.
He encouraged me to take time off work as well and to just stop thinking about finances for right now. He said he'll deal with it for awhile. He says whenever I go back to work it won't be like it was. He will help me. He'll make sure I have some extra money and extra time. I could cry with relief. I am crying with relief.
Update 3: Don’t know if anyone will read this, but he’s home. THANK GOD. He’s not angry. He’s not yelling. He’s been very affectionate and worried about me.
I’ve seen his bank account and it’s been going exactly where I’ve been saying debt (heloc and line of credit if it matters) and savings (for moving). He’s paid off over $40,000 of debt this past year. He’s not cheating.
There’s no other family or whatever. He’s just had tunnel vision. He wants to sell our place and have all our finances in order before our mortgage is up for renewal in 6 months since the rates have gone way up and our mortgage will be very high.
He never meant to hurt me or make me suffer. He just desperately wants out of our house and needs all the finances in order to make the transition smooth. He never realized how much I was struggling. He’s been hyper focused on what he thought was a family goal. He thought I was on the same page as him.
Before he got his new job I was not paying for everything for the kids. Somehow it just transitioned since I was with them and he wasn’t.
He was paying all the household bills while away and never really thought about how I was managing. In his mind he was paying all the bills and nothing was really left to me. Obviously that wasn’t the case. He is going to help me a lot more going forward.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's updates:
cicciii writes:
NTA. Your husband is definitely an AH. Other people have offered more than I could possibly, so I'll just pick up on one thing you said in your update which is that your husband is NOT a bad man. I get that you feel the need to defend him, so it's somewhat a response to what people are writing.
OP, based on your other comments regarding what you pay for out of your meager salary and how little he apparently has money for even with the increase, something really fishy is going on. Do you have access to see his accounts and his spending?
** ETA after OPs response(s) with super important info I’ve compiled here: She doesn’t have access to his account. She’s raising three kids who aren’t hers or his because he wanted to take in his sisters kids. She pays for preschool and groceries and any other household fees. She doesn’t have a washer/dryer and pays to do the laundry at a laundromat. She sleeps on a pull out couch so the kids can have rooms.
She skips lunch to afford to feed the kids. She works to support the kids the full time their schedule is occupied. She pays for her own gas/car insurance and receives absolutely no spending money from him in any capacity. OP loves these kids deeply and it would be hard to leave because she may have limited options to stay in their lives.
**OPs inheritance due to a family death is also they only reason the could afford their current house to begin with, which just makes the financial divide so much stranger.
When her husband is home a week a month, he doesn’t help. He goes to the gym (membership fee?,) fishes, spends time with friends, has a great time “resting” but hallelujah sometimes he has dinner ready /s.
OP, these kids need someone who can support them financially and emotionally. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow. That means both of you need to be able to work as a team. At least at this point, your husband is doing all four of you a disgusting disservice. He gets to flit away and enjoy the ego boost of doing a “good thing” with none of the sacrifice.
You’re living in abject poverty while his life, room/board, and meals are all covered. He returns with enough spare money for downtime, the gym, and I’m assuming meals out with friends. I don’t believe he’s being honest about the money. You need help badly, and if he can’t be there to provide it someone has to, there should be money there to hire help.
He is entrapping you, and not favoring those kids and much as he thinks. Something has to give. Edit: You have been conditioned to accept his behavior, you believe he “knows best” and that you’re “too stupid” to see that even in your abhorrent conditions (you aren’t stupid, you’re exploited.)
Per OPs update: If the husband cares for her and her children, if he is a man who lost sight of the comfort of his wife in his own solace and exciting new lifestyle, this should be a massive wake up call. The lack of planning and pure abandonment should have never happened.
She’s been drowning for an entire year as a single mother of three and when she asks him to step back in he “blows up” and tells her they don’t have enough money to hire help. Pushing aside her pain in such a callous way and ignoring her pleas for help dissolved the confidence of god knows how many people that he would do right by OP, whatever that means.
It’s unfair that OP and her husband don’t have the option to turn to familial support, I know personally that it sucks to not have a village. However, that means you have to supplement it, not just pretend scientific human limitations are nonexistent and force her to “push through.” Everyone would have thousands of kids if that were possible.
Also, the way finances are “shared” in your relationship are very similar to the way finances are shared in abusive relationships. Having such a clear divide when there are kids in the mix is just unsustainable. So much needs to be undone.